How to kick start my relationship with my wife?

[CptCaveman]

Help mumsneters I'm a married man of over 10 years with two young boys and my relationship with my wife has evapourated! I think I switched off after the 2nd child as we both put so much into our children.

I need to put more energy into our relationship and less so into the children.

My wife says that she needs to be cherished, loved and nurchured.

What are you top 5 ways of feeling cherished, loved and nurchured?

Don't come onto the internet and take a poll, ask your wife!!!!

How did you love, cherish and nurture her when you first met?

Why is it so hard to know how to go about doing this with the woman you loved enough to marry?

If you still can't answer this, then you need to have a very long conversation with your wife so that she can spell it out for you.

But do you really have to ask? Can you not work it out for yourself?

is this about sex?

Well, I always feel more loved when I feel more appreciated, so it's little things for me rather than grand gestures. Today DH brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning and I had a lie in and read my book while he saw to DS. When I came downstairs DS was all ready and the breakfast dishes were done. He helps around the house so that in the evenings we can sit down together and spend time together. I feel cherished, loved and nurtured because he is always thinking of ways to make my life easier even though he is the one who goes out to work :)

Ask your wife

I hate the expression 'he helps round the house'! He is not doing you a favour. Housework is something you take joint responsibility for - if you are at home because you have children, your job is full-time childcare. You haven't suddenly become a housekeeper just because you have had children.

Oh FGS BIWI it's just a turn of phrase no need to be so nasty. Anyway, I don't see it like that FWIW. I choose to be the one who looks after the house as I don't work outside of the home and that's a personal thing to us. At the weekend we both do it together. That's how our relationship works. And it does :)

I feel loved and cherished when my husband texts me just to tell me he loves me. Or, he shows thought about something important like what to cook for dinner...and then he cooks it. I feel loved when he arranges a babysitter so that we can go out on the rare occasion we can afford it.

I hate it and feel completely disregarded when he messes on his phone while we're supposed to be having 'quality-time'. Hope that helps. X

Listen to you all.

We bitch and moan about how men don't show feelings, and here is a man asking for help to be a better husband, [IF HE KNEW HE WOULDN'T ASK] -

and you SHAME HIM? You SHAME a man who is showing what we ask for (vulnerability)?

You absolute bunch of bitches. Look at yourselves. IN THIS, we show that men can't win.
(This was pointed out to me by a psychotherapist over 20 years ago, that we demand men feel, but when they do we reject their vulnerability because it isn't 'strong' enough. Men are put into an impossible bind and THEY CANT WIN.)

So: Captain Caveman.

This is what you do.

Do you love your wife? I think the answer is 'yes', otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Now: take a pen, and write down all the things about your wife that you love.

Here are some examples:

You love her smile.
You love how when you get into bed, she snuggles up to you. That moment, when you have your arms around her and you are together, makes you more happy and content than your manly one words can ever tell her.
You love it when she cooks for you. That when she makes you your favourite meal, you hear 'I love you and care about you' and it makes everything worthwhile. That might be a stupid manly thing, but its true.
You love her hair (or whatever).
You love her laugh/sense of humour/whatever.
You miss her and your times together, just the two of you. That although you love your kids to death, they wouldn't die if you and her went out once a week AND THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN! (a film, bowling, walk to a pub, doesn't have to break the bank) In fact, their lives would be better for it.
That you hate it when she is cross with you, you feel you are letting her down, and it is like your heart is going to break.
etc
etc
etc

Now for the romance and sex!

Remember when you first met. How did you see her, what did you see? Tell her how that felt.
Tell her what being in love with her meant for you.
Remember how you asked her to marry you.
How that felt.

Make speeches. Talk to her, say just listen to what I say. Then tell her for that day what you love her for.

That is the talking over.

When you are in bed:

just touch her. Touch her WITHOUT expecting anything. Only touching women when they want sex is THE BIGGEST mistake men make.

1. stroke her head, hair and face, whilst you tell her about something that happened at work. Think 'oh I must tell my wife that' when it is happening.
2. give her long strokes like you would a beloved animal, down her sides to her thighs, again and again, whilst you ask her how her day was. And stroke her whilst she tells you. You know how long women's stories are, use the time well! Just stroking her.
3. stroke her eyebrows, and her eyes and her nose, gently and softly, when you ask her how you can both tighten up the budget/change the weekly shop. Or whatever.
4. Stroke her belly and tell her you love it/the puckers/the stretchmarks and MEAN IT. She stretched her body to hideous proportions out of love for you, to give you the children that you both love. So HONOUR those marks and love them for what they mean for the two of you together. Women feel really bad about their bellies, you can really give her a gift of reassurance here.

You will find, that doing this for the simple pleasure of doing this, after a couple of days when her surprise and suspicion wear off, that she will shift her body so that you are stroking her boobs/bum. She will come to YOU.

Women want to be talked to, to have their involved stories about who said what to be listened to, and to be touched. Bottom line.

You sound like a lovely bloke Captain, I hope this helps.

Also: bringing her a cup of tea in bed with a kiss x

Sorry, one more thing: when you are together, watching telly etc: who sits where? Insist on being next to your wife: 'I want to sit next to Mum'.

Take her hand, hold it. Idly stroke her fingers/wrist whilst you are watching. That's all. It is that small a thing.
Hold her hand out shopping.

Make SURE you hug and kiss her first before the kids. ALWAYS.
Don't let the boys ever disrespect her. Back her up when she is telling them off.

'The biggest gift you can give your children, is to love their mother'.

If my husband started stroking like he would a beloved animal whenever we were having a chat i would think he had taken leave of his senses.

1. Spontaneous tea and snacks
2. Pro-active undertaking of chores/taking turn with school run and homework
3. A romantic gesture - flowers, postcard, post-its, bubble bath, meal
4. Organising a family trip or an evening out together
5. Full body massage unreciprocated/not leading to sex

HTH x

If my dh actually listened to me when i was having a moan it would be great, i dont need solutions just someone to listen and say 'mm' 'yes' 'oh dear' 'yes i bet that felt rubbish/great' etc etc
if dh did something i had been moaning about that would feel fab! ie housework or something similar.
chocs always put a smile on my face. suggesting watching my fav film.
the opertunity to do my own hobby, or my dh showing an interest in my hobby,

good on you for asking.

A bit wobbly. Just what I was thinking. Brave of him
Coming on here and admirable of him to want to save his marriage and make their life better. Good luck caveman!

Thank you Abitwobblynow for your help and support. I did expect the initial slating from some of the members who have nothing positive so say about men.There are some of us who want to listen and get help but what kind of advice do we get from our male friends. A males point of view! All I wanted was a few quick points which can easily be put into place and make a world of difference. Some of the things you have sugguested are so true and to the point. So thank you mumsneters I hope this will help other men out there who read this thread. Look at it this way . If it helps men in general direction it can only be good for you lovely women out there and so much on this discussion board may never happen! (i wish).
thanks again Abitwobblynow.

So are you going to talk to your wife?

Which was meant as sincere advice, actually, and in no way an attempt to be bitchy.

Different things work for different people, but you need to explore why things aren't as you would like in your relationship, not just suddenly adopt a whole load of artificial and probably temporary behaviours.

And jenrendo - sorry you thought I was being nasty. But I was pointing out something I hate. Not saying anything about you.

And CaptCaveman - your wife has told you what she wants, you need to ask her what would make her feel cherished, loved and nurtured.

I think you have fallen into the trap of "Men are this and women are that".

It doesn't work like that. Talk to your wife. Ask her. Not a load of disparate people on here. Can you see that just by asking you might well make her feel like you care?

Actually StewieGriffinsMom I sometimes think it is better to ask a bunch of strangers, as the bunch on strangers can give you a varied, unbiased answers with no preconcieved thoughts on the person asking. (Actually seems alot of people have preconcieved ideas about men). Sometimes I feel that I want to help myself with out asking her.Otherwise she will again feel that she is the one sorting the problem out not me. I think it will cause more spontinaety ( sorry the spelling is ther a spell check) and fun but trying and doing new and different things that may amke her feel loved cherished and nurchured.

are you my husband? .. I wish!

well, good on you to ask. You've been married a while and sound like you've tried other things so no harm at all in canvassing opinion. Going to be none of the bias/divided loyalties your friends would have.

"Sometimes I feel that I want to help myself with out asking her.Otherwise she will again feel that she is the one sorting the problem out not me."

That's pretty profound actually, and I'm sure it's right. Quite often I've seen women complain on here that their DH/DP doesn't do anything for her off his own bat, she has to issue instructions like some sort of robot manual. That you are taking the initiative to research things she might like - and, I trust, putting your own thought into it - is very much in your favour. However I do echo those who say talk to her to find out what she likes (not ask for instructions!) because everyone is different. Take the stroking thing suggested above; some may find that the most romantic thing ever, others may hate it, some may think it's insincere or even creepy. XH couldn't have done it to me because I am mortal ticklish and he had very scratchy fingers! (He was a miserable bugger anyway, though, hence the "X".)

One thing that I've seen women annoyed about is how they always have to take the lead on any evenings out, day trips or holidays. Were you to suggest one, and if she likes the idea, undertake to be the one who organises it - and then actually do it! - that might be quite popular.

If dh stroked me while I was talking or doing something, it would make me hugely, irrationally angry, I hate it. This is why some posters are suggesting you tAlk to her, find out what she likes and wants.