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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to kick start my relationship with my wife?

153 replies

CptCaveman · 05/02/2012 22:48

Help mumsneters I'm a married man of over 10 years with two young boys and my relationship with my wife has evapourated! I think I switched off after the 2nd child as we both put so much into our children.

I need to put more energy into our relationship and less so into the children.

My wife says that she needs to be cherished, loved and nurchured.

What are you top 5 ways of feeling cherished, loved and nurchured?

OP posts:
SonOfAradia · 06/02/2012 14:51

Hi Caveman

I think it's a really good idea you asking this question - as you say, nice to get opinions from strangers sometimes. I'd say take heed of some of the suggestions already made here and also talk to your wife, but in a way that doesn't, as you said, make her feel like she's having to do the work.

For what it's worth, these are the sorts of things I tend to do. It looks like a job list written this way, but it's not like that really, it's just part of being in love with someone and wanting them to feel happy and appreciated.

Share the housework - it's a job for both people in a couple, as someone else mentioned, it's not just 'helping around the house', it's a partnership!

Plan, buy for and cook meals. Not just for special occasions, but all the time

Tell you you love her.

Play a full role as a dad. Some men are stupid enough to refer to time spent looking after the kids when their partner is out as 'babysitting'. Completely wrong - they're your kids. I'm sure you're not like that, though.

Support her in everything she does.

Flowers! Cliched but important. Randomly, whenever you feel the urge, not just occasions like birthdays or anniversaries. Out shopping by yourself? Drop by the florist sometimes while you're at it and surprise her when you get home.

Take her out and about whenever you get the chance to be alone.

Massages without expecting sex or even a massage in return.

Get up in the morning with our son so she can have a lie in.

Bath and put our son to bed to give her time for herself in the evening.

Someone upthread mentioned physical affection and stroking - some people aren't really into that, so it depends what she likes.

Oh there are lots of things you can do. Make sure she's always in your thoughts and all the ways you can make her smile will be right there.

PosiePumblechook · 06/02/2012 16:08

And tidy yourself up, OP. nice clothes, good hair, trim physique. Let your wife see you in a new light.

Fairenuff · 06/02/2012 16:12

Dance with her Grin

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/02/2012 16:14

OP, I am a hard faced cynical man-hater but...

DH made me the 2012 equivalent of a mixed tape last night.

Full of songs he knows I love.

I had a tiny snottery bubble in the car on the way to work listening to it this morning, he was spot on.

I love him.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 16:20

katie, quick, go and start a thread about it ! < evil >

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/02/2012 16:35

That would be a "hell no" AF

BeerTricksP0tter · 06/02/2012 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Truckulentagain · 06/02/2012 18:36

I hope posters do all these for their partners.

I'm trying to imagine the response of my ex if I'd stroked her like a beloved animal.

'what you thinking'
'I'm just imagining you're the dog'

OriginalJamie · 06/02/2012 18:46

No to stroking

Yes to asking her how she's feeling every day

Yes to arranging babysitters

Yes to cleaning the toilet too

Yes to being a good dad and presenting a united front and being a good role model

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 18:47

I give my husband a damn good rogering all the time

I am a woman of my word

OriginalJamie · 06/02/2012 18:48

Yes to cunnilingus

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/02/2012 18:51

What AF is not telling you is in addition to the good luvvin she also knits her DH socks, embroidered with the logo "LTB".

He thinks it means, "Love, Trust, Benevolence"

We know differently

Wink
AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 18:54

< thinks >

< thinks harder >

< brain explodes >

< gives up and skips off to eat a HobNob >

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/02/2012 19:00

Leave The Bastard

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 06/02/2012 19:25

Just asking means you're at least half way there. Well done.
I don't agree with " ask her"; then when you do what she's suggested it'll be too planned.
I think trying, tentatively, any suggestions here that resonate with you, and then "listening" to her response would be more productive.
If you try stroking or rogering, tentatively, you will "hear" very quickly whether or not it's working. If it is, carry on, if it's not, that may be the time to talk. - would you like me to stop? do it harder, softer, upside down, more lube? Bugger off and make tea?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 19:48

oh

yeah

dohhhh

Malificence · 06/02/2012 20:14

What's wrong with being stroked? Confused
Op should know after 10 years if she likes it or not.
DH strokes me all the time if he's in close proximity, as long as he doesn't try and stroke my feet it's fine.
Run her a bath, get in behind her and scrub her back.
Make her a cuppa and let her lie in on your days off.
Buy her her favourite choccy/wine/flowers .
Say "thank you" whenever she does something for you, DH always thanks me for everything, a cup of tea , a meal etc.

Do you really need telling these simple things?

dollymixtures · 06/02/2012 20:31

I'm really sorry and I'm not trying to be provocative at all....but I don't see anyone slating men or the OP on here, just lots of good suggestions to think about who your wife actually is, what your history together is and what she might need to feel cherished and loved.

Gotta say I thought the stroking thing was pretty creepy too, 'like a beloved " WTAF?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 20:38

no

no feathery stroking

for all that is holy ....no

ohmygosh123 · 06/02/2012 20:51

Cpt Caveman - I think you are brilliant for actually taking the time to think about this and asking. I hope it improves your marriage.

So turning this around, and taking the sneaky opportunity to get a male perspective - how do we encourage a man to have the confidence to take us somewhere, do something off his own initiative etc? I am worn out by having to make all the decisions, and it makes me tired and irritable. I've tried the "I (would) love / like it when ....." routine without success. Equally any successful wives - please tell me what I'm doing wrong - I really don't want 3 kids instead of 2.

Malificence · 06/02/2012 20:57

I'll have your share of feathery stroking then AF Wink , especially if it's on my inner forearms, it's orgasmic, as is hip stroking.
Hard sex + feathery stroking, my idea of heaven, it takes a particularly skilled man to manage both at the same time Grin.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 21:00

< covers eyes >

< crosses legs >

< crosses legs the other way >

< finds something to distract myself with >

Malificence · 06/02/2012 21:01

Now I'm picturing that Canestan advert! Are you clawing the sofa aswell?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 21:03

no, but my eyes are looking in different directions Grin

Stay123 · 06/02/2012 21:17

You sound a very lovely man indeed. Me and my husband are so knackered we have more or less put our relationship on hold til they go to school! When we do remember our relationship he makes me a cup of tea, offers to cook dinner at the weekend, stays the night with the baby who wakes a lot at night, plays Star Wars with our little boy. Romance wise I'd say book a baby sitter and get out of the house and go for a nice meal.

Well done Abitwobblynow for telling the men haters where to go...

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