How to kick start my relationship with my wife?

[CptCaveman]

Help mumsneters I'm a married man of over 10 years with two young boys and my relationship with my wife has evapourated! I think I switched off after the 2nd child as we both put so much into our children.

I need to put more energy into our relationship and less so into the children.

My wife says that she needs to be cherished, loved and nurchured.

What are you top 5 ways of feeling cherished, loved and nurchured?

I think this thread is a great idea! Obviously all women are different and all will have different ways of feeling loved. Generally there 5 ways to show love:

1. Verbally - tell her you love her, tell her why you love her, give her compliments.

2. Quality Time - give her your undivided attention, no tv, no phone, just listen and respond to what she says.

3. Gifts - surprise her with little thoughtful gifts occasionally and big ones on her birthday, anniversary and valentine's day (14th Feb in case you didn't realise ).

4. Acts of Service - or 'doing her a favour'. Not just 'helping with housework' but other things like maybe de-icing her car for her (or something that she would really appreciate). General kindness.

5. Physical touch - (including non sexual) hugs, holding hands, kiss on the cheek, etc.

The best way to find out which of the five is most important to your wife, is to ask this question. 'How do you know that I love you?' If she answers, because you tell me, then you know that 1) Verbally is important to her. If she answers, because you listen to me, you know that 2) Quality Time is important, and so on.

Whichever it is, you should use all 5 all of the time but with special emphasis on the one(s) she needs.

HTH

Anniegetyourgun your dead right. I think I was too happy to take the back seat. My wife tended to organised our going out and baby sitters etc. But then it didn't help that when i did sugguest things she was say "don't want to go there " , "too tired to go out" , etc so i would feel my sugguestions would be rejected so would then be put off sugguesting things incase thay weren't up st scratch! a vicious circle. I think I 've had problems with rejection!

Make her laugh - works wonders for me, it can be very intimate sharing a good belly laugh

I'm not really sure how you think a group of strangers on the Internet will be able to tell you what your wife would like, the best person to ask would be your wife. I think most people appreciate a partner who talks to them and takes an interest in them as an individual.

is there sockpuppetry going on now too?

"Otherwise she will again feel that she is the one sorting the problem out not me."

what are the problems you need to sort?

oh my, just read the stroking bit. I am actually shuddering. That is soooo creepy.

I thought Mumsnet was built on asking strangers what to do about relationships?

Is posters just asked the people most qualified to answer, this site would be a bit quiet.

Fairenuff , I think your spot on with the questions we could ask ourselves of how do we know that we are loved. May be we just assume it without even saying it.
I assume everyone one loves and appriciates their husbands who work hard long hours in a difficult period but do you actually tell them??
May be we feel under appriciated and taken for granted. I know we get it easy going off to work etc but it isn't easy out there. It carries its own stress trying to keep small businesses running when everyone is tightening their belts.

Am I one of the only ones thinking how lovely it is that a man is asking for advice like this.

Wish my DH would then maybe our marriage wouldn't be the hideous craptastic mess it is.

Good luck with it OP.

Thank you for your posts. Can't belive its got to page 2 and I'm still alive and don't feel too bruised! LOL

Yesterday I posted 'Ask your wife!'

This morning I was thinking, actually no, you being spontaneous with nice gestures would be your best bet!

OP you may feel underappreciated and so may she. One of you needs to make the first move. If you start to appreciate all she does and what she means to you, you are more likely to receive appreciation back.

You may not be aware of this, so I'll just mention it. No matter how hard you work or how long your hours, this will not mean as much to your wife as you coming home and saying how was your day? You look tired, put your feet up, I'll make us a cup of tea and we can have a chat if you like. What would you like for dinner?

I see what you mean, CptCaveman, rejection is discouraging (don't take it too well myself). I can only say try not to take it personally, just let it be known that the offer is on the table when she is ready, that you are open to negotiation around the details eg different venue, shorter stay, and that you will be happy to do the donkey work involved. Being too tired to go out may actually mean being too tired to face organising it. After all if she's a SAHM she spends her life organising small children and it must be nice to take a bit of a break from it, not just do more of the same in different surroundings!

1. Tell her you love her lots

2.Compliment her lots

1. Make her tea/breakfast etc

4.cuddle without wanting a bit of in/out action

1. Support her in everything she does (within reason)

... and what Fairenuff said re tea and listening.

Do you feel loved OP?

If I wanted to feel more cherished here are some things I'd like DH to do:

Hand me a glass of wine and the iPad whilst he puts the children to bed.
Buy me my favourite bar of chocolate.
Run me a bath and have my pjs on a radiator waiting...a lush bubble bar never goes amiss
flowers (corny but effective)
Send me a text telling me he loves me/good mroning/have a nice day
Cook dinner (he does this a lot)

Personally, I like a good rogering

BeerTricksP0tter, i knew someone would pull me up on that one! It is not meant to annoy.All I 'm saying is that sometimes nothing is said and that the people seem to assume the other person knows without it being said. But if it isn't said they don't know!! My wife is starting to work 2 -3 days a week up in the big smoke and I really appriciate what she is doing. But No I haven't said it!!!!!!! Doh!!!

Hi..you say you've put all of your energy into the kids. Me and DH have done that too. Maybe she needs to be seen as 'wife' rather than 'mum' I know I do. Take her away and do things you can't do with the kids...a quiet meal, an uninterrupted chat, a walk somewhere other than the swings. Staying at home with the DCs is lovely but you can forget your a loved wife too. Let her know its NOT all about the kids maybe?