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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 09:47

thank you guys.

Had a really bad night sleep wise with DS last night, he was in my bed 1am - 3.30 but doesn't often co-sleep so basically wouldn't sleep (lots of fingers in my nose, prodding, kicking and eventually slapping my face while i dozed until I got up and properly resettled him in his cot).

I have picked up my mums bronchitis and am barking like an old hound with my cough this morning.

Still have had no reply from H about where to drop off DS for contact today, he's not been in touch since I picked up DS on thursday and asked him to make plans to have him in a neutral place. He told me he wants to take him to the park and collect him from our flat - which I said was unacceptable.

Moreover, it's fecking FREEZING outside today. Poor DS can't be expected to be out in the buggy in the park for 3 hours in this kind of weather. He needs to be indoors and warm. I'm not sure how to handle this, if H shows up and expects to take him out in the cold all afternoon. I really don't think it's fair on DS :(

H still has no car/car seat (I have my own and he's not insured to drive it) so unless I take DS somewhere to meet him, the park is their only option.

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lifechanger · 04/02/2012 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 10:12

Maybe just text him and tell him to be at the soft play place at whatever the arranged time was.

When you see him tell him he needs to arrange proper transport for his son.

It's not your job to be driving around town so he can see his child.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 10:19

I have had a reply asking me to drop him off with swimming stuff to the local pool. Apparently they will go to soft play afterwards, where I will collect him from. H sounds rather peeved that he doesn't have more 'options' FFS.

:( I'm keeping a contact diary so that at least I will have a record of everything offered, everything taken up, early/late collections or drop offs and reasons why. That way if he gets funny about it at a later date I can explain with absolute clarity why things have been as they currently are.

He's getting a car seat delivered on Monday, then I won't know where they are/who they are with. I know I have zero control over that but god that makes me feel even more upset and betrayed.

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AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 11:32

Surely he has the sense, and cares for your son enough, not to introduce him to Daddy and a new woman after such a short time?

This whole situation must be so confusing for him :(

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 11:52

if he thought it was ok to see her in our home, in the weeks me and DS were away with my parents. IN OUR BED, by his COT, then no. I don't think he has the sense. He is operating entirely from a selfish POV. The fact that DS is too young to 'tell' on him will probably be a good enough excuse for him to feel fine about it. He hasn't apologised or even acknowledged that I know about them having sex in our bed.

He left the sheets they slept on in the laundry for me to wash which I discovered this morning.

I haven't spoken to him about it, because I don't have any opportunity to, but DS runs up and down the house shouting Daddy Daddy looking for him all the time. Every person who walks past the house, he shouts Daddy. Everyone who knocks on the door he rushes to see if it's him. He thinks it won't affect DS but I know full well how much it's affecting him :(

I just don't know this man.

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scarletforya · 04/02/2012 12:17

Throw that set of sheets out choco. Angry

Very good idea about the diary. Let him be 'peeved' all he likes about his 'lack of opions' -it's his own fault.

Sorry you're not well btw, I'm pregnant and smothering sick too atm so sympathies! x

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 12:21

they're already in the bin scarlet. I just feel like I'm swimming through shit all on my own here. I don't know if I should have come back from my parents at all, I don't know how long I can keep it up. Its just so fucking hard dealing with this but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me give up :(

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AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 12:35

Could you go back to your parents for a while, choco ?

is it practical ?

If you do, change the locks on the flat and "forget" to give him a key. That flat is not a shagpad for him and his floozy.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 12:52

I really want to cut and run today, really and truly I do :( I don't know if I can take this any more.

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AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 12:53

can you not just go back to your parents ?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 12:59

it means giving up my job. Which means giving up my only source of income for the few months before the baby comes, and generally screwing myself over for money when we're already screwed royally :(

OP posts:
justonemorethread · 04/02/2012 13:01

Would it be possible for your mum or dad to come and stay with you and help you out for a bit?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 13:02

Yes, that is what I was asking...is it practical

and it isn't Sad

I am sorry you are feeling so low

Weekends can be a very lonely time. Keep pusing on with your paractical plans on Monday. Curl up with a hot drink and a nice film with DS and wait it out. It is all you can do for now. Do you have snow yet ?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 13:09

not yet but it's on its way. Thanks for the support, DS just woke up - back to mummy duties! hugs x

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gettingeasier · 04/02/2012 13:11

I have just read your thread Choco and am full of admiration for the way you are handling all this.

My xh had an OW and left us but I wasnt pregnant with a toddler and he did try and be as kind as you can be about it

Your h is unspeakable and the fact that nevertheless you are remaining civil to him and not being obstructive about his contact with your DS speaks volumes about your strength of character.

Recovering from this will be a long and uneven process but as others have said you will come through . I am 2 years on and the happiest I have been since I can remember , you will be able to bring your DC up as you see fit and carve out a new bright future . Reading all your posts I am certain you have the strength and emotional intelligence to do so.

Keep posting and allowing your family and friends to support you through this x

PurtyDarnFine · 04/02/2012 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 13:21

He left their dirty linen in the laundry basket for you to wash? Shock

Jesus, what a wanker :(

He has been living in blissful denial that he has done anything wrong. He's all full of his (incredibly tawdry) love story, that probably includes a happy ever after with you and he being great friends and nobody thinking that you have to be a special kind of selfish cunt to walk out on your pregnant wife and toddler.

You going away probably made that fantasy easier for him to continue living.

Maybe you need to point out to him (or someone does, if you can't manage it) that he has torn his little boy's world asunder (not to mention yours) and that what happens with his son forseeable future needs to be sensible of that.

His cosy reality is about to start coming down around his ears as he comes to terms with the fact that walking out on your family isn't remotely like a teenage break up (as he is treating it).

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 13:24

thank you gettingeasier and purty and AF

I think one of the hardest things is that he seems to think he is being as sensitive and accommodating as possible, and that I just won't find out about his other activities. I just text him to let him know DS can't swim a) because I don't have his kit (accidentally left it at my parents) and b) he's not very well, which H knew about. He has been really shirty about it, and I lost my cool and told him to stop acting in his own interests and think about what DS needs instead. Just had a reply: "Im being as much of a parent as you are allowing me to be".

The victim crap makes me just despair, it's all about him isn't it? There's just no concept of thinking of a little toddlers needs before his own. As if this situation is about what I will allow... for gods sake, I wish he realised how much me and DS are going through.

Would it help if I actually told him? I don't know. I just feel so helpless and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 13:26

sorry x-post - thanks AThingInYourLife. Teenage is exactly how he is acting, like I am HIS mum and he is sneaking around with a girlfriend behind a parents back and the whole star crossed lovers Romeo role is what he's playing. It just makes me so bewildered and hurt... I can't really get my head around it at all.

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squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 13:30

Of course he bloody has options! It is his duty now to ensure that his side of the family get to see their grandson/nephew.. so he can go visit them. That is what my stepson did when he split with his partner.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 13:35

"Im being as much of a parent as you are allowing me to be".

Shock Angry

Response: You're being as much of a parent as a man who walks out on his pregnant wife and child can manage, I suppose, i.e. not a very good one. All of this is YOUR fault. You did this, to us. That you see yourself as a victim, while we are hurting by your actions, is pathetic.

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 14:01

"Im being as much of a parent as you are allowing me to be".

And my response to that comment would be "yep.. you chose to fuck this family up... tough shit"

drasticpark · 04/02/2012 14:18

Hello Choco. You are an absolute star. My ex shit on me and our ds from a great height too. The list of his bad behaviour is endless and still being added to but the worst things were using our ds and OW's dd as a front for their sordid liason; inviting OW, her H and her dd on a family holiday (and they came); asking me to marry him after the affair started (she asked if she could be my bridesmaid) but worst of all, fucking her while I nursed my beloved Dad through cancer for several months. As I watched him die in intensive care he was texting her with updates as it meant no more 300 mile round trips and nights away for for me so they would be back to using cheap hotels. The sense of betrayal is immense and I'm still trying to get to grips with it 18 months down the line. I still cry for my father and feel his death was stolen from me.

BUT I am a million times happier without him. I do not miss him one iota. I am content and proud of myself. He, on the other hand, is living alone in a rented flat and looks desolate. He is full of self pity. But there is a very good reason for that; he cannot admit to himself the enormity of his appalling behaviour because that would mean the self pity would become self loathing. His anger and hatred is so intense that in order to deal with it he has to project it onto me. That is what your ex is doing too. Expect absolutely nothing from him and waste no time trying to appeal to his better nature. He hasn't got one.

You will be the one to come out of this with happiness and your head held high. All the devastation and heartache that you feel now will be his too at some point. But by then you will realise that his feelings and thoughts are completely irrelevant to you.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 14:43

hi all... just got back from dropping of DS. Asked to have a word with him before getting DS out of the car. Let him know that DS is badly affected by his absence, and that I was doing him a favour running around facilitating contact for them for DS's benefit while he was too disorganised to have transport and activities organised. Also suggested that he might have considered apologising for screwing OW in our house, as it demonstrated such a reprehensible disregard for his family it left me with no shred of trust in his ability to consider the welfare of others.

His response? "I didn't think you deserved an apology because you had left and it was none of your business"

I left, because I was in shock and experiencing stomach cramps so was rushed to see a midwife to make sure the unborn baby was ok.

He isn't even human anymore. I didn't think he could make it any worse, but he has.

drasticpark I'm so sorry, so so sorry to hear you went through such an awful time. The heartbreak just isn't possible to describe. I'm glad you feel better now, I hope time is a healer. Its just too awful.

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