how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

What a total arse. You will manage OP and your children will be all the better for having less to do with the w*nker. What a horrible, horrible, man.

chocoraisin

You are the furthest thing from weak and pathetic ever. You are self-led, strong and won't be fcuked with.

There's nothing I can say to take your grief away for your relationship and the family that should have been. But I really must say you are a remarkable person.

I wish you strength and comfort through this.

Although this is an unspeakably sad situation for you to be in right now, I think in future years you will be glad of at least having found out early on, rather than go through a sham of a marriage.

It's going to be so hard for now but once you get through this phase you will be so strong and you can actually have a chance of making the best out of life, instead of wasting time with this incredible idiot, I feel so angry on your behalf I just couldn't not write anything.... How how how how could anyone behave like that? He is an ANIMAL!

You are very well rid.

thank you again everyone who has replied, it helps so much. I don't know why the kindness of strangers is so touching right now but maybe it's because I just can't articulate what is going on in RL to my family and friends. I also can't bear to see how upset others are about this situation, I've only seen my dad cry twice in my life - once when his mum died, and once when he realised how badly my H had let us down. It was completely shocking to see how much it wounded him that I was badly hurting, but then again, that's what I have always thought being a parent was - truly, deeply caring about your kids. Even when they aren't kids any more!

My friend came round tonight though and gave me a big hug, lots of chocolate and some pringles to raise my BP which has been in my boots lately :) (gotta love pringles!). She also treated us to Thai takeaway and we cleared out all the 'family' photos. I sobbed a lot taking down the wedding pictures from the walls, but I do feel relieved knowing that I can look around me without constant reminders.

She said the same thing as all of you have been saying... it's ok to be sad for the lost relationship and family life I thought I was going to share with my H and kids. But then again, I realise now that he really was never going to live up to that, so I agree, better to know now than later. DS is upset, but not nearly as much as he would be much later on. I will keep trying to do everything I can to protect him from the stress. Bump won't even know any different.

night all, and thanks again for the hand holding. Will be back on the morrow no doubt x

DS is very young and he won't remember. My DH was older when his parents split. the most damaging thing was the injured parties bitterness. It seeped into everything and it is still there 20 years later. It's taken DH a long time to reconcile his relationship with both his parents.

Get yourself through this - you're not going to have to tell the kids anything any time soon.

You're being really brave & strong & of course you're going to cry & feel like you'll never stop but you'll get through it & even be glad you're free of him one day. In the meantime everyone here will support you as much as they can. I wish I had found the MN forum when I had a similar experience. X

When you are feeling stronger, you could start to make yourself a list on the computer-
eg immediate next stops eg legal, money etc

eg things for you outside of the house- evenings are less lonelier after a fun day out eg at the park with friends, preceded by a good nights sleep, with little ones, I found

eg things just for you to make yourself feel better (when you are ready).

On the last issue, I found in my divorce many years ago, that I still treasure the feeling of lying in a clean and reorganised redecorated bedroom, with no socks and old jeans on the floor. A new sofa etc, if affordable and helpful. Reorganising the space around your needs, not his.

Also, try to plan over time a few nights out or breaks without kids at all, if you can, or weekends away with them to old friends.

Take care.

Yes I agree fiventhree after my ex finally left I bought a new bed, new curtains & matching bedding & made myself a girly pink boudoir which was always clean & smelt gorgeous. I loved having a personal space of my own - it really helped

Sorry OP I don't have anything helpful to say but wanted to add to the people saying you sound like an amazing mum and human being. You deserve far better than this revolting little man! Good luck with it all.

hey guys, just checking in :) my lovely neighbour has been helping me out with DS today and he is amazingly in bed, tucked up and my living room is clean all before 7pm! Thank you for all the good suggestions, we've made a date to go shopping next week to get bed linen and some proper toy storage and cardboard boxes to start slowly packing up my personal belongings from the house. She's offered to help with everything so that I can do it in my own time and make it as easy as possible.

It was really good to chat with my neighbour today about the whole thing. Her parents split up when she was v young and talking just confirmed to me that it's not the split that hurts - like you said snowyeyed - it's the bitterness afterwards. It just confirmed to me that it's not my job to show the kids he's a tit. He's likely to do a great job of showing them himself, my job is to love them and prepare them well for life so that they can cope if and when he does. I'm super grateful she was willing to talk about the whole thing from a kids POV.

I'm also taking the mantra to heart 'fake it til you make it'...thanks to everyone who has suggested it! I know I can't change what's happened but I am going to work bloody hard at choosing my reaction. When I look back on this I want to be proud of myself and know that I did the best I could.

I just have to say as well god bless my friends cos I've not really had to spend more than a few hours alone in the flat, and have had loads of hugs/chocolates/company. One of my oldest friends travelled an hour and a half today with her 5mo to spend lunch time with us. It's funny, I started out feeling worthless and disposable thanks to XH, and now I'm starting to feel really loved and cared for by everyone else. Trying really hard to focus on the positives and all the people who are bending over backwards to make sure me and DS and bump are ok. So what if one person doesn't appreciate us? Just because he thinks we are disposable doesn't make it true. One day he'll realise what a mistake he's made.

I have something in my eye < ahem >

It says a lot about you that so many people are there for you in your hour of need :)

Glad you had a good day.

Hello
I just want to say he has done you a huge favour by showing his true colours so clearly. You won't have to grapple with any doubts because he has made your decision for you by being so truly appalling.

You are a lovely, energetic and positive person with a true understanding of what matters in life.

He on the other hand is a total loser. You will ( deservedly) have the better life and it sounds as if you are making very good choices for your future.
The very best of luck to you and yours.

thank you everyone :) honestly, some of the nicest people ever reside on mumsnet.

I was thinking the same thing today emdelafield, it's kind of a relief that it is so clear cut. There is very little more he could have done to make it clear to me there is no hope of a reconciliation. I'm incredibly hurt but it's a bit like ripping off a plaster... only on a bigger scale!! MASSIVE pain right now but at least it's done. I'm not going to be drip fed almost unforgivable stuff. It's totally over, over, over. No doubt in my mind at all. I'm sad but it has made it easier to take back control for myself. I owe him nothing, so I don't even begin to question that, which helps. I would find it much harder if I was feeling guilty about moving away with the DCs or not inviting him to the birth etc. At least I feel utterly certain that he is out of my life completely - the rest is simply details. And if I can't face talking, a solicitor can do it for me. Although strangely, I feel much more confident now I know that I literally don't give a monkey's fart how he feels now. Much less to worry about all round.

You are brilliant in how you are handling this. And I'm so glad everyone is rallying around to help you out.

You know, my (ex) husband moved out when my son was 6 months old. And being so young he never missed him. (as in a two-parent "happy family").

He's now 20 and a well-balanced young lad who is happy doing what he wants in life.

Hugs to you!

choco you are doing brilliantly, I take my hat off to you.

I agree with you that despite ex bring an utter tit, you don't need to explain this to your DC. My parents split up when I was 3. They never slagged each other off and I got great comfort from that (hard to explain why, I guess even though I knew Dad had been a prat it would have hurt to hear him slagged off by mum). I think though, that you can take your time in forming your strategy regarding ex's relationship with DC- you have more immediate stuff to deal with at the moment and you are doing so well.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

"When I look back on this I want to be proud of myself and know that I did the best I could."

Be proud of yourself already for all that you've done and are doing. We all think you're great, and sounds like lots of people in RL do too.

On a practical note, if you haven't already, get stuck into the finances rightaway, eg seek advice, think about what to do re joint savings, deal with joint account etc. just a bit worried that this man won't do right by you financially given how he's behaved.

good advice dozer, I'm starting to tackle the practical stuff now... at the moment it's not hard because he basically has no income as he's at university, so it's much of a muchness until I leave the home. I've sorted WTC and moved my salary to a separate account, but other than that I'm not really sure what to do WRT legal stuff. I guess I need more advice but it feels a bit overwhelming and I'm so tired I have to admit I've been a bit head in the sand on that front... maybe it should be top of the to do list this week.

ps thank you superbophobe and owlelf, it helps a lot to hear from people (on all sides) who have come out relatively unscathed from a relationship breakdown and managed to raise happy children/be happy adults themselves. It gives me a lot of hope and strength x

Sounds like you had a productive day - take things easy this weekend and on Monday you need to find a solicitor re the legal stuff so that you know where you stand etc.

I am so glad you have people in RL who will help you through this x

choco - You are an inspiration.
Wishing you all the very best for your new life.

What a heartbreaking thread, then I got to the end.... what an amazing woman you are. Sending you loads of positive thoughts.

It's a given that you learn a lot from your parents as you grow up. It seems to me that a diminishing influence from this man on your kids is a good thing. From the ages of 10-14 my mum was a lone parent and I've never felt impoverished by that. Indeed I'd say the opposite is true and those years when she was a singular influence shaped many positive aspects of my character.

Glad you're feeling stronger today!!!

chocoraisin - I have only just seen this thread. I've just read all of your posts (but only a few replies). You have been amazing from the beginning.

Your DC will be just fine because you have a good attitude and are prepared to put them first.

I'm really pleased you have lots of people IRL who are 'being there' for you and showing you what a FAB person you are - and what a complete twat he is. It's a shame you have to move away from your neighbour!

It's beyond horrible to have your life torn apart :( However, at least you know conclusively that it's over and you can plan your future without wondering if he will come to his senses and come back and what you will do if he does... you are wise enough not to even give that a passing thought.

You will be fine because before long you will be 'the old you' and feel full of life & enthusiasm for the future.

PS: Your Dad sounds lovely x