how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Choco, please don't expect him to behave decently. It isn't in him. He is projecting his disgraceful behaviour on to you. One day, you will feel pity for him and eventually nothing at all. There is a time that will come when he cannot affect you any more. He has to live with himself. Be grateful that you have escaped that fate.

I'm so sorry you feel so awful. I've been there and there is no easy way out. But that's not to say you will be stuck like this forever. You are already making progress without realising it. Cut yourself some slack and know that one day you will look back at this time knowing that you did your absolute best while he behaved like a low-life fucking arsehole. Karma.

Just read this thread for the first time and I'm speechless with disgust at your H's treatment of you and his son. What a absolute thoughtless, cretinous, lying, cheating bastard.

Your composure (at least in public), is to your credit. You will be proud of yourself one day, if you aren't already, that you've managed to keep it together and not scream and spit in his face, as I'm sure you must feel like doing. You rock! You really do.

Sending you hugs and strength xx

Good advice from dp, unfortunaltey it comes from experience

Not really a surprising response from him, is it?

He appears to believe that you can end a marriage with a toddler and a baby on the way as easily as dumping a girl you've snogged a few times at school disco and starting to go out with her friend.

That he doesn't think he should have any consideration for your understandable upset at him moving a new woman into your bed, into your shared marital home, so soon after you left is just an indication of what a self-serving, selfish prick he is.

That it didn't occur to him that other people (your neighbours) would see how dishonourable he was and judge him as a reprehensible shit shows how deluded he is about how the world at large is going to respond to what he believes to be his entirely reasonable behaviour.

Not that his feelings matter at all, although they must be bewildering.

Hope you are having a restful afternoon. I'm about as pregnant as you are - I know I'm quite tired.

I just don't know if I can do it, staying here. I don't know if it would be better for me, the baby and DS just to forget about the money from work and go home. At least then I would have my mum, my MIL and SIL to help me cope. He just texted me again, so say he's been too emotional to talk but if it's coming across as not caring about his son then 'this will have to change'. I don't want to talk. I don't want to listen to how emotional he has been. I don't feel safe living in a house he can walk into at any time, where he's violated everything that our little family meant to me. I just feel broken and alone. Here, I have friends, but no-one who can do hand overs for me - and the OW is free to be there whenever he sees DS. I just don't know if I can cope with this right now :( I don't feel like I have anything like the resilience to do it any more.

Sweetheart.

Ask a friend to come round tonight. Get through the weekend. Call in sick at work on Monday, and book a GP appointment.

Tell your GP everything that has happened and that you feel too poorly for work. He will sign you off for a couple of weeks.

Then go home to your support. See how you feel after that.

Another couple of weeks off sick isn't going to mess up your mat leave (presuming you get sick pay)

You are not ready for this, you need your family around you x

Go home then. If it is too raw for you to deal with right now, and that is SO understandable! do what is best for the three of you. Go where you will be taken care of and get the help you need at the moment.

Remember, it's about the three of you now. Put yourself and your son and baby at the top of the list.

You don't owe him ANYTHING!
(And the fact he is pulling the "emotional" card now says it all about what an utterly selfish man he is).

And no, don't "talk" to him if you don't want to

like you said, it's likely to be more emotional blackmail about how upset he is

fuck that

Agree with AF. It gets desperate and miserable at the weekends. And you are still so raw.

You need to get some company around you. A good dinner and some wine inside you. If you really can't get home to yr parents, can you get a friend to come and be with you for a few hours tonight? Run you a bath?

Human contact from someone who cares for you and your little family is what you need right now. [holds yr hand and gives it a squeeze]

keep posting if none of the above is possible. There will be help and support for you here.

Another suggestion - is there any way your mum could come to you?

Fuck him and his "emotions" - if he had any worth feeling you wouldn't be where you are now.

Are you finding the weekend lonelier and harder than the week?

If you need to go back to your Mum and Dad for a few more weeks, I'm sure a doctor will sign you off.

Don't make any drastic decisions you can't take back while you feel so down - you might be very glad of your job in the future.

Remember when we were all saying how strong you were? Well that still stands. Knowing when you need more support, and asking for it, takes a lot of strength.

Either way, we'll still be here to hold your hand, OK :)

thank you everyone :( I've sobbed my guts out for the last 2 hours, talked to my SIL (who has experienced similar, unfortunately) and let it out. I know that I can't leave for at least a few days. My mum works away so won't be around at home, and this time if I leave I have to protect our belongings and make more sensible arrangements to take what we need anyway. I am going to try and take it one day at a time. I have people I can call, it's just so hard to pick up the phone and explain. Sunday is meant to be a family day too - but I know if I'm going to make it I have to swallow my pride and ask to be with people tomorrow. I can't do a whole day alone, full of cold, exhausted and so upset. It's not fair on DS anyway to be cooped up with me like that.

H just asked me to collect him half an hour early, again. I don't have to see him until next contact on thursday so that's a little respite at least.

My tummy hurts and I know I can't keep bouncing back and forth with this kind of stress, my poor wee bean needs a more balanced and calm mummy. I can hide a lot from DS but the baby gets everything I get.

I can't tell you how much i need and appreciate the hand holding today :( thank you so, so much.

I have just been reading through this and have so much admiration for you. Your H's behaviour I just cannot get my head around, and it sounds as though your friends feel the same as me on both counts.

You say "Sunday is meant to be a family day" - but in my "family" we use that term in the broadest sense - we invite those we are close to and those we love - whether they are related to us or not: believe me I am sure your friends would be devastated if they thought you felt you couldn't ask to be with them when you need company because you aren't technically "family".

Look after yourself.

Choco yes one day at a time is the best approach just take baby steps to survive these awful raw first weeks

Dont even think about it being sunday and so you cant ask for support. In the first couple of months on a couple of desperate occasions I just texted certain friends and said can I come over or vice versa. What is happening to you at the moment is hideous and overwhelming and nobody is going to think any the worse of you for asking for help. My friends were key to me keeping my dignity, keeping strong in front of the DC and just generally surviving but often I did ask for help and didnt wait for it to be offered iyswim

Keep going , keep posting

Drastic do I know you...?

Sounds like a great plan to get signed off for a few weeks, and this is a time when your friends and family will want to rally round and support you. Take as much of that as you can because it will all help. That will give you some breathing space and allow you to start through the practicalities of the situation. I'd agree that you're coming across as a fantastic mum who's first thought is always of your children, they are lucky to have you.

It is quite unbelievable just how selfish your ex is being, so your plan of shutting him out apart from DS contact is correct. He needs to grow a pair and face his responsibilities like a man. Despite his betrayal, my Dad tried very hard to be a good father to me and my brother. I love him dearly but will never forgive what he did.

Please don't worry about 'imposing' on people on a Sunday. They will understand and will really really want to help you in any way possible. Could you call or text someone now to arrange to spend time with them tomorrow? Maybe ask them if there is room for a couple more for Sunday lunch? It might feel nice to know that you have something arranged.

if you were my friend, I would be happy to have you round for sunday lunch/just to hang out

sometimes people don't realiise you need to just "hang out" though, if they are under the impression you are "coping"

tell them

thanks everyone. Just had a lovely message from my mum saying I can come home any time I want to at all, and just to let myself in if she's not there :)

I've got a 24 hour plan... church in the morning. I'm not a regular but they have a creche and have been so lovely when I've taken DS I think it's a good bet, then at 2pm I have a friend coming for the afternoon which means the only time I'll be on my own is his nap time between church and my friend visiting. I'll make another 24 hour plan this time tomorrow...

I managed to collect DS without any drama. H was busy texting and didnt even notice me arrive. DS was already in his coat waiting for me :( he looked very small and H looked totally bored by him. Prob me being a bit oversensitive but I just wanted to sweep him up and cover him in kisses. We've had a lovely evening with bath, cuddles, tickles, story and bed. He is just the most delicious thing ever! I keep telling him how much I love him and I hope he understands.

Thank you everyone for being so lovely :) and you're right AF I need to tell RL friends how shit I'm feeling. Owlelf I do feel better now I have a plan. Barnmummy thank you, I actually used to feel the same way about open house sunday's I don't know why I feel so funny inviting myself out now! Prob just cos I'm feeling vulnerable. Gettingeasier and Inabeautifulplace, I hope not to have to be signed off but I am resigned to it being a sensible option. I've got SPD and my latest physio assessment (last tues) wasn't great. The next stage of treatment is to ramp up the painkillers and order me some crutches. If that kicks in soon it's game over for me and DS being here on our own, I'll be signed off for the duration. I guess knowing that makes me almost more determined to be here for the next week or so just so I know I absolutely gave it my best shot. I didn't just fall on the first (albeit decent) excuse to flake out. But after today, I don't know, I just don't know if that determination is actually a good thing or if it's just pride. Baby steps... good advice.

Much love and thanks to you all x

xx

You are doing really well.

He's one lousey excuse for a human being :(

My 2p's worth is that you should only go to your Mum's if you get signed off of work. At this stage you shouldn't do anything that will affect you long term - such as giving up your job/maternity leave. Give yourself time & options. You can't have too many options.

If you do go, make sure you change the locks - put bloody good ones on & take as many of your important papers etc as you reasonably can - just in case he gets a locksmith around.

Frankly, I'd hunker down in the house and not leave it - but that's just me.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves :)

Could your mum come and stay with you? That way you've got permanent emotional support, more help around the house and yet things you might need (paperwork etc.) and the friend network are still close at hand.

Ive just read this whole thread and I think you are being amazing. Please be kind to yourself, ask your friends for help, they want to. xx

Keep posting OP. You're doing a great job, and we are your cheerleaders.

mum isn't able to stay all the time, but is coming on Thursday - so yes, I've got the cavalry arriving if I can make it through the week. I've had an ok evening, one of my SILs called to invite me and DS to sunday lunch which was lovely of her :) I've spoken to a couple of RL friends too. I'm over the intense hurt of this afternoon, it's just another 'world according to...' that I can rack up.

H text to complain that he never meant me to find out through a third party about what he's been doing in the flat. As if the knowing is the problem, rather than what he did. It's so stupid, I can't be bothered to worry about it. I just don't think he deserves the space in my head. He clearly cannot see how much shit he's spouting, probably because his head has travelled so far up his own arse!

I've done a quick sort out, off to have a shower and get some sleep. DS has been sleeping beautifully for the last few hours which means I should get in there and get some kip too before another midnight waking. Thanks for all the good advice x

he doesn't

deserve the space in your head

you are absolutely right

have a good kip x