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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 02/02/2012 14:26

Bloke sounds like a tosser.

oldwomaninashoe · 02/02/2012 14:53

You are doing amazingly well, just keep telling yourself that it will get better, and that they deserve each other.
Save your vitriol for him for when you can intelligently deliver it to him with the maximum amount of impact.

DreamingofSummer · 02/02/2012 15:14

No advice but plently of cyber hugs. Keep strong it will get better

Ahhhtetley · 02/02/2012 15:24

I think you have absolutely the best of attitudes right now and are doing amazingly well. Keep strong and keep angry.

What that bloke is, is beyond words, and I know you know this, but you truely are better off without him. As for her... Well, it's disgusing but at least they both deserve each other!!

Go and watch some rubbish telly, eat chocolate and get some rest if you can whilst you DC is away... Even if you have to go to a friends house to sleep on a bed that's not yours.

jen127 · 02/02/2012 16:21

You are doing so well! Keep your chin up and be the bigger person in front of him. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset.
Words can not describe what he is !

Try and rest when he has DS.

Take care of yourself and make sure that you are eating well. Both your little ones need you ! You will get through this, don't be afraid to ask for help from Friends in RL. And you always have here to vent in ways that possibly you don't want to share in RL.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/02/2012 16:28

Happened to me - the worst moment of my life was cleaning the brass top of the bed of her finger prints after he fucked her in the bed we bought for our wedding. He had told me he'd put the house on the market and left a message on the answerphone that the agent would be coming round.

So I started cleaning - found the fingerprints, lots of her long brown hair, and a pair of black size 4 boots at the bottom of the stairs.

Just a really horrible time - but you will get through it, it will get better.

Have as little to do with him as possible, safeguard your financial interests, and don't feel you have to talk to him if.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 02/02/2012 17:00

thank you. So sorry to hear you have been here too Laurie :(

Just collected DS half an hour early (H's request, DS was getting tired) and informed him as cheerfully as possible that he wouldn't be welcome in the house when he has contact time on Saturday because I know all about the bedroom antics. If he needs DS dropping off somewhere neutral I'm happy to oblige, but he's not to set foot in the house in the meantime.

He tried to worm his way out of it (are you sure it wasn't my mum they heard/saw? UM no, unless you fuck her too?) but I kept a big smile on and said 'don't even bother' and told him to bring his excuses to Relate.

Feel quite cheerful that I managed to say I know without crying. Stupid really, but I definitely won't show him I'm upset unless I absolutely can't help it. I'd rather show him how utterly pathetic I find him instead, and make him work bloody hard for anything he gets from me now.

OP posts:
sasslejaney84 · 02/02/2012 17:17

Well done choco!!! Sounds like he is back peddalling and trying to worm out of it! He knows what he has done and he now needs to face up to that fact!

You ARE strong, you need to believe that hun! You WILL get through this! I know when my ex left me I was devastated but I got through it, my daughter is happy and so am I!! That's the main thing!

It seems like a hard slog but trust me, its worth it!!

DaydreamDolly · 02/02/2012 17:20

You're a great mum for doing what you are doing for your DS's sake. He is lucky to have you and it sounds like his life will always be full and happy with you looking out for him.
Take care OP, my heart really goes out to you.
He is a scumbag and she is disgusting too. You are the one with dignity, and are acting as such. I take my hat off to you.

Rosmarin · 02/02/2012 17:34

Oh OP Sad that's just awful. I know it must feel like a very long and lonely night ahead. Can you cuddle your DS and get and give comfort that way? How about a nice bath (if he's able to get to sleep in cot) with some essential oils, or a bit of chocolate or a distracting dvd? Do you have any friends nearby who can come over and just be with you?

Time will take the pain away, but that of course means getting through now. Keep cosy and warm, have cuddles with DS, keep posting if you have things to say, remember to eat and try to find a show or documentary to distract you for tonight. You'll need your strength for tomorrow when you see H and give him the most crippling kick to the bollocks you can muster, the twat.

What a wicked pair. Angry

GeekLove · 02/02/2012 17:41

I am in awe of your delivery o that news! Well done for keeping it up! Is there still anything there that reminds you of him that you could get rid of? Looks like you really need some quality time to yourself.

Can't believe he tried to work out of it and say it was his mum!

Original poster
chocoraisin · 02/02/2012 17:46

I definitely need to get rid of all the wedding photos and family portraits from the walls. I'm a bit upset that H said he has apparently cleared out all his belongings, but he's left behind the handmade photo frame from DS with his 20 week old footprints on it, and 'I love Daddy' written on it, with a lovely pic of just the two of them. Seems it wasn't important enough to be taken with him :(

I just feel so, so sad for my little family. What did the kids ever do that made them so disposable to him? I realise relationships break down but it's like being a parent, to him, is just nothing. Inconsequential. Totally unimportant in the grand scheme of things. My heart breaks that my lovely, lovely son isn't treasured as much by his dad as he is by me :(

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 02/02/2012 17:52

I am planning on just changing the photos and keeping the frames up - rather than leaving bare walls - I'm sure there's loads of lovely pics of the DC that you could put in there instead ..

Sending you a big hug xx

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 18:01

Bloody hell choc I am in awe of you. You are amazing.

Ritual burning of the wedding photos - may be theraputic.

You love your DC, you always will and they will always know it. When things seem impossible remember that. And nothing makes a blue mood dissolve quicker than a big sloppy toddler hug.

Remember how amazing you are OP. remember how strong you are. Remember what a great parent you are.

Forget the dickhead.

fiventhree · 02/02/2012 18:05

Choco

You are doing so well. Concentrate on sleep- that is the worst thing, exhaustion, in your situation.. and pregnant.

You are running on adrenaline now. Other are right too, try to eat, and relax a little if at all possible, and keep talking to your mum and RL friends if you are able, as well.

And Laurie, how awful for you. I will remember such a sad detail for a long time, so glad it has got better for you now.

StealthPolarBear · 02/02/2012 18:18

Well done OP for staying so calm and even managing to keep the moral high ground. You're not the one who will be stuck wondering who their OH is shagging, where he or she is staying that night, never trusting. They are.

StealthPolarBear · 02/02/2012 18:19

choco I would imagine it's a painful reminder of the "family man" image he has betrayed, rather than rejection of your DS as such.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 18:25

choco, you sound like a great person

like someone said, keep faking and you will make it

shout and scream to us, we are here for you x

MissBetsyTrotwood · 02/02/2012 18:26

Hats off to you choco. It's all about you and the kids now; especially you. Eat three proper meals a day, rest up as much as you need and accept help from those you trust. I agree about making him feel as pathetic as possible because that's what he is - a sad little scumbag.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 02/02/2012 18:31

I think I'll start a memory box for the DCs with things like wedding pics and family photos, their first drawings etc. Just because I don't want to see the photos doesn't mean they never will I suppose. It was a friends idea when I first found out, and I wasn't able to think about it then, but I've got enough distance now (sort of) to realise that one day they will want to know that we did get married, and there was love there. God even typing that makes me feel angry and sick. What is he thinking? DC2 isn't even BORN yet and I'm trying to find ways to explain in the future that they weren't conceived (for me at least) as an accident/mistake/afterthought.

I have a RL friend coming over at 8 tonight to have something to eat with me. I've got an hour to do all the 'jobs' - washing up, laundry, toys away etc. I just want to put the telly on and veg out but nobody is going to help me out so I suppose I'd better get on with it! Sorry that sounds like a real pity-party I'm having, I don't mean to be so wet and pathetic. It's not like a bit of washing up will kill me. It just feels so final and lonely when you know that from now on, it's just you - mind you, just me is better than me plus lying cheating childish bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoraisin · 02/02/2012 18:33

thank you all for being so encouraging, its helping enormously to know I can vent on here and people care enough to listen and reply x

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 02/02/2012 18:34

You have my admiration choco. You are behaving with class and style. Which is more than he and his bint are doing!

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 02/02/2012 19:44

I am astounded that a man that was himself abandoned by his father in similar circumstances could be stupid enough to repeat his fathers mistake. it almost makes it worse as he must fully understand the fallout. What a loser.

You sound very strong and your DC will be in a loving home with you. If you have the energy (maybe your friend can help) - give the flat a rejig and get rid of everything that reminds you of him

I think the memory box is a really good idea. Remember that it is not your job to explain your DH's thinking to your DC, you can only explain yours.

AttillaTheMum · 02/02/2012 19:53

choco you are an AMAZING woman I am so in awe of you.

You also sound like a great mum and when my XH cheated I found that the moto that got me through was 'fake it till you make it' I also kept in mind that he had, in fact, done me a huge favour because I was free to move on with my life and meet someone that was able to give me the love an respect that I needed.

You don't have to put up with any of his crap anymore. Take some time in a bubble bath with a glass of wine and think about how crap he is and how he left his clothes on the floor

bigbird80 · 02/02/2012 20:11

I have nothing to say other than you sound like a strong, wonderful woman and that he is a complete wankfest. What a pity both your lives have now changed irreversibly because of his wandering cock.
You will make it and live a happy life. As for him- what goes around comes around. DICKHEAD.