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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

who are these freaks whao have affairs with married men

250 replies

cod · 20/01/2006 12:04

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/01/2006 12:22

i agree with rhubarb.

hadanaffair · 20/01/2006 12:23

Changed my name to spare any blushes - and in the context you'll understand!

I had an affair nearly 20 years ago, I was c.25+ at the time. It was a classic case of getting too close to the boss. We did really love each other (probably my only other "true love" apart from dh) but jointly made the decision to stop when they were offered a baby (they had been on the waiting list for adoption).

He was 13 years older than me.

The irony is I am still close friends with them: and probably closer to his wife than to him. I don't think she ever knew - although she did the best possible thing to make sure it was over betwen us - she befriended me.

Dh knows about it.

Marina · 20/01/2006 12:23

I know one. They are not always just wicked husband-stealers. There are occasionally times when a marriage break-up is for the best for all parties, even the children.
I found it extremely hard to support the person when it all first came to light, as I believe very strongly in the sanctity of marriage, and in keeping your vows even when times are tough. I had to do a lot of tongue-biting at the time and was very angry with her and her boyfriend. We all were (friends, families etc)
But three years down the line it is now clear that the husband and the wife were in some kind of irretrievable hell, and that all three adults and the children now accept the situation very positively. The children especially are far happier.
But I think for every "good-outcome" situation like the one I've described there are 1000s of selfish, thoughtless affairs going on, no question

boobyprize · 20/01/2006 12:23

loads of women do it because they either need a boost theirselves and a trill of copping off with someone elses bloke.

Loads a jealous of what the wife has got and want it.

Sad sad bitches who should try being a great person thereselves and not a poor imation of someone else

hadanaffair · 20/01/2006 12:24

PS - it was well before dh.

Rhubarb · 20/01/2006 12:25

My bro wants out, she doesn't. She is devoted to him. She tried really hard at Christmas, got all dressed up, did her hair and make-up, bought him great gifts etc, but he left on Boxing Day to go and see his latest tart.

I wish he would move out and let her get on with the rest of her life!

podkin · 20/01/2006 12:27

what if the marriage was on the verge of break up anyway ?

Rhubarb · 20/01/2006 12:27

There are nicer ways to end your marriage.

Piffle · 20/01/2006 12:27

I did when I was 17
He was 37 he had wife and 5 kids.
His wife was pregnant with the 6th child,
shock you all say until it became knowledge that the 5th child and 6th had been fathered by the local fire chief.
And she had the affront to be pissed off at me
He was my boss, we all lived on the same farm.
We were together for 3 yrs until he cheated on me with a 17 yr old
ahhhhhhh
He has remarried and we exchange xmas cards now
I am still on good terms with his ex wife and his kids. She married the fire chief and had two more kids!
I loved him a lot.
loking back I am horrified I was not old enough to deal with it, heaven knows how we got through it.

misdee · 20/01/2006 12:28

rhubarb thats awful.

WideWebWitch · 20/01/2006 12:28

I am honestly disgusted with myself when I look back (I don't think about it much). In one case the wife found out and we had long, long conversations, she and I. As this was after he and I had split up (and he'd left her, not because of me, well, I don't think so, I made it perfectly clear I wasn't interested even if he were to leave) I agreed that I would call her if he ever contacted me again because lo and behold he was dangling her on a string. So when he called me claiming love and begging for a relationship, I told him to eff off and my next call was to the wife to tell her about it. God, it's so sordid isn't it? Sorry. It was a long time ago, like I said, I was awful. I'm going to regret admitting this aren't I?

Rhubarb · 20/01/2006 12:29

WWW, I wish my bros tarts had one ounce of your common sense!

misdee · 20/01/2006 12:31

now do i give out peters woman name.....

no better not, tho she works at tesco in hatfield.

Marina · 20/01/2006 12:31

Well, quite, podkin. Some married people (men and women) eventually succumb after years of putting up loyally and silently with no affection, no sex, and no companionship. Attempts to try counselling together or separately are rebuffed...the people I knew who ended up starting a relationship were both practising Christians and had stoically endured years of emotional neglect - and been met with many refusals to try and improve things. They both nearly had nervous breakdowns because of the guilt, too
Very different from bagging an old perv at a nightclub

podkin · 20/01/2006 12:32

Can't think of a nice way to end a marriage to be honest. Would it matter if the affair started weeks before the marriage ended or weeks after...? There is going to be pain and heartache whether a 3rd person is involved or not.

youngandstupid · 20/01/2006 12:32

sorry for the name change, but I don't want to be ripped apart!

When I was 19/20 I had a relationship with a married man in his late thirties. His family lived in the Channel Islands and he came over to the UK on business a lot. He'd take me with him to fancy hotels etc, in his super-flash cars, was absolutely fabulous in bed (OMG! He was just a god in the sack! ) and obviously liked me rather a lot.
I was very flattered by this rich, handsome, older guy's attention and didn't really think about his far-away family. He said that he and his wife hated each other and TBH she sounded like a total bitch. I still think that he didn't make that part up.
He had two small kids and said he's lose the kids if he divorced her and that's why he was still with her.
He said he'd leave her for me and move to the UK to be with me, but this was not something I wanted to be responsible for so I said no. Eventually I found someone more my age and on my level, and we stopped seeing each other.
Really, I was still such a kid and this whole family business was just beyond my horizon. Does this make sense?

Marina · 20/01/2006 12:32

WWW, I doubt there is a person on Mumsnet who looks back on their romantic career with unalloyed pride. We all make mistakes or handle people's feelings badly at some point in our lives

batters · 20/01/2006 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

podkin · 20/01/2006 12:34

agreed Marina - non of us are infallible sadly...

Marina · 20/01/2006 12:37

quite batters. I started out crosser with the man than the woman as she was my friend and I felt very ambiguous, knowing what I did about her own wretched situation. Knowing him better now I am amazed he put up with what IMO was emotional abuse for so long. This is a very specific situation I guess.

prettyfly1 · 20/01/2006 12:37

how about a new thread title. its called "who are the freak men who ruin their families lives and quite often the other womans too by having affairs" or, how about another one. "why in the 21st century when a man has an affair is it still the sole fault of the other woman". Just so you know my sons father is married. despite him being the "great love" of my life i said no to him for years. in the end he waited till i was drunk at a party, spiked my drink to make sure i was more drunk then told my friend he would take me home. if it ever came out who he was it would undoubtedly be MY fault in the eyes of his family, our friends, etc etc etc, and yet strangely enough i dont considere myself either a vicious predator or a man eater.And having met a couple of mistresses i think its very bloody rare that the other woman is. My point is that life is not that black and white and threads like this are just quite frankly one sided and nonsense and women should realise that the only person EVER really to blame in this situation is the man who put his family at risk, showed no respect for his wife and everything else!!! rant over

ggglimpopo · 20/01/2006 12:40

Message withdrawn

boobyprize · 20/01/2006 12:41

don't think men always think of the concequences.
don't think younger unmarried girls would either.
When you get a married woman who is unhappy with her lot so she decides to steal someone elses bloke that pisses me off.
Men don't think like women do they. Men can be drawn into affairs by being manipulated even if they are happy at home.Women are very powerful.women have affairs for a reason men have affairs

MrsMiggins · 20/01/2006 12:41

I cant understand women who know there are children - if it were me Id tell the man to come back when hed left his wife
otherwise regardless of whether the affair turns into love for life, surely the woman would still be tarnished in the eyes of the family?

WideWebWitch · 20/01/2006 12:42