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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

who are these freaks whao have affairs with married men

250 replies

cod · 20/01/2006 12:04

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 20/01/2006 13:33

It is. I think it means, "flirt with"

lou33 · 20/01/2006 13:33

i think the main responsibility should fall on the shoulders of the person who is attached, regardless of their gender

NotQuiteCockney · 20/01/2006 13:33

Ah, it means, put your hat at a stupid angle.

Original poster
cod · 20/01/2006 13:35

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
myshoes · 20/01/2006 13:38

prettyfly1 it did follow on after the kiss yes.Beleive me it would have been eaiser to cope with a drunken shag. I do blame him 100% and we have been through hell and back. He was the one that made our wedding vows with me and he broke them.
Just saying that it wasn't some young girl that didn't evn know me it was a friend and even if i split up now with H i will find it hard to be so trusting with other women and i think that is sad.It has made me look for motives in people being nice to me i.y.k.w.i.m. and that really hurts

bodger · 20/01/2006 13:39

I don't think the responsibility is always entirely that of the attached male - in some circumstances there are reasons which have made the affair a likelihood. I completely fail to see why a woman would enter into a relationship with a man she knows has a pregnant wife and 2 small children at home and be happy and guilt free. If I could get my hands on her I would like to make her understand precisely what it is she is doing because clearly she does not have a clue.

prettyfly1 · 20/01/2006 13:47

ahhh. mate i dont think you should not trust all women. you only have to read the posts from most of the women on here to know that women who behave like that are rare and a friendship with another female can be really rewarding. it would be incredibly sad if, after already being hurt by what happened with your husband, it ocntinued to hurt you in your relationships with other people too. big hugs and i hope wtih time you can rebuild your trust.

re the other posts, why is it so often assumed that women feel no guilt about it.i suspect that most probably do but admitting to someone else that it is wrong (and i do think it is wrong) means to admit it to yourself.

Rhubarb · 20/01/2006 13:50

Batters, I'm talking about own experience here with brother where all the women he goes out with knows about his wife and family, they are not ignorant in any way. They even phone him at the family home ffs!

prettyfly1 · 20/01/2006 13:52

who thinks men cant be manipulative.

. my wife doesnt understand me.
. were only together for the kids
. there is no real relationship between us anymore
. i will leave her but she is fragile and i cant do it too her right now
. she is so cruel and we do nothing but argue bu8t if i leave her i will lose my children
etc etc etc.

no, i cant possibly see why on occasion some young girls who have gotten involved with married men find it hard to see that what they are doing isnt right. the reason that women DO blame each other is because as someone already mentioned we are the more emotional species, we constantly in many many ways believe what we want to about those we love and dont want to lose. i dont know about you lot but i think i very young girl dragged into a situation like that is just as much of a victim of a sefish predatory male as his wife is.

prettyfly1 · 20/01/2006 13:54

rhubarb, i can understand why you feel the way you do, but do you mind if i ask why she does stay with him??? surely by staying she is sending ou tthe message that its ok really for him to behave like that because she wont really do anything about it. i am not trying to be horrible i just dont understand why a woman would tolerate that over and over.

bodger · 20/01/2006 13:55

And the women who aren't young girls?

prettyfly1 · 20/01/2006 13:57

my point exactly. its never black and white and evry single case is different so the attitude thta all mistresses are freaks is rubbish.

FrayedKnot · 20/01/2006 13:58

Can I comment about
i c ant see whya ll thses women are out htere wasting time with men who have so much baggage

When I met DH he was married. I was also in a relationship. DH marriage was - had already - gone down the pan. He stayed - because of the kids I think. The reason it had gone down the pan was his wife's adultery. To begin with I was wary, thinking maybe he was spinning me a line, but as time went on found out he was telling the truth. The things that had gone on were not pretty.

Anyway, we worked together and became friends. My relationship ended. We got friendlier, and then started seeing each other. He was still married at this point but putting things in motion for divorce. ExW was also seeing someone else (had been for some time as it happened). After 6 months we moved in together.

Having a relationship with someone with all that baggage is bl*dy awful sometimes. But things just aren;t black and white.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/01/2006 13:59

I married mine, but there were no children involved, best days work I ever did.

Twiglett · 20/01/2006 14:00

am not reading this thread because I don't want to knowingly offend anyone

I don't think there is ever a reason to have an affair with a married person

it is downright selfish and disgusting

if someone is married then wait till they are single before doing anything about it

and I think the onus is more on the married person

eemie · 20/01/2006 14:00

But she might just be after his moey

FrayedKnot · 20/01/2006 14:07

And while we're at it lets have bets on how many more of us can use the expression "life's not all black and white" in one thread!

I just mean sometimes things happen..that you think you would never do / get involved in..and once you are there, you have to deal with it.

Lasvegas · 20/01/2006 14:07

This is a very bizare true story about mistress who moved into my spare room when I was pg.

I was married to XH for 7 years and pg with first long tried for DD. When I was 7 months pg XH told me that his female work colleague was having difficulties with her b'friend, she had no friends and no money and could she stay with us for the night. The one night became 6 weeks. She only moved out when nursery furniture arrived for spare room, then she moved into XH brothers house whose wife was also pregnant.

I liked this 'work colleague' she was no trouble as a house guest and I felt sorry for her as she had no friends. She told me that she had had an abortion a few months earlier.

Anyway just after birth XH (no surprises he is X)! told me that work colleague was his mistress and he was leaving me and DD. I asked why move mistress into our home he said he couldn't make up his mind between us.

Others have suggested that maybe the got off sexually doing it in our bed, who knows. others said she reminds them of movie single whie female.

Why do U think the mistress wanted to meet me and move in? She met my friends family etc. I have met 2 other mistresses who said that normally mistresses don't want to meet wife and see home as they like to pretend to themselves that wife doesn't really exist.

I am so interested in your views. It happened 3 years ago and this thread has reminded be about how bizare it all was, never thought about her motivation at the time too busy bf on demand etc.

Rhubarb · 20/01/2006 14:08

Prettyfly1, it's just a sad sad story. She was one of his many girlfriends, but she was the one who got pregnant. For her he was her first. They bought a house but he refused to marry her because he didn't love her. When she fell pregnant again he succumbed to pressure from her, her family and his own family to marry her. The marriage has not been easy, he's had several nervous breakdowns (served in N.Ireland when younger, saw his mates get blown up, etc, etc) and they have both been through a lot of shit. She has no support from her family, she is very quiet and very dependant on him. She also relies a lot on our family.

Him going to Uni was him making a fresh go of his life. Then these girls started taking an interest in him. He made it very clear that he was married with kids, but this seemed to encourage them. Now he is finding his new life but it is without her, and she does not know how to live without him, he is all she has known. So he won't move out of the house as he wants to support her still, she won't throw him out as she's still hoping he'll go back to her. In the meantime she has to put up with these tarts on the phone to him, they even speak to his children! What they are thinking I have no idea! Do they think it is a game?

Prufrock · 20/01/2006 14:09

I'm another who is deeply ashamed of the affair I had with a married (but childless) man when I was 17. In my case it was because he was a man - not a schoolboy. and interested in me. I was young, naive and he took advantage of that.

But I can sometimes see why a married man might not be the worst offender. Not all wives are perfect, and whilst we all know that you should either work to solve an imperfect marriage or leave it, rather than having an affair, it's sometimes not that simple. And in cases like those the married party can possibly have some justification for straying, wheras teh unmarried party is simply being selfish.

mummytosteven · 20/01/2006 14:10

Lasvegas. Can't get my head round that one. Agree with Lou's recent post that the married partner, whatever gender bears most of the responsibility.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/01/2006 14:12

Misread the thread, MR LGJ was in a long term relationship,.......... he was NOT married.

beejay · 20/01/2006 14:14

Has anyone met a man or a woman who has no baggage whatsoever?

Rhubarb · 20/01/2006 14:15

I had no baggage when dh met me!

I'd had a couple of others before him but I'd never been in love before, never been dumped, never had a cause to be bitter about relationships at all! And my previous ones where just single fun flings!

boobyprize · 20/01/2006 14:16

beejay now thats a whole different thread. interesting but everyone has baggage i reckon. except kids and wife are baggage you can see i suppose

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