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Original poster

who are these freaks whao have affairs with married men

250 replies

cod · 20/01/2006 12:04

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
MrsMiggins · 20/01/2006 19:34

and I have to say that although Im the only one my H married, he had 3 long term relationships b4 me including engagement and each time he started with someone else b4 leaving

so as I have said to this one "I wasnt the first he was unfaithful to, I wont be the last"

I believed that as he committed to me by marriage that he had finally grown up / taken responsibility....I was obviously wrong

Carmenere · 20/01/2006 19:38

Lemon Tart I appreciate your candidness. To be honest today I am feeling really bitter towards her as I have had to deal with her 17 yr old son crying because she won't let him into her house on his birthday fgs. Her bf doesn't like him.

As I think I said I'm not excusing my dp's behaviour and I agree with you about the flaw in his character, this is something that we are both aware of and he is working to try to be different and break lifelong habits of sticking his head in the sand. There are no certainties in life and he may well treat me badly in the future (I don't think he will) but at least I have entered this relationship with my eyes open.

LemonTart · 20/01/2006 19:46

Carmenere - good luck to you xx

Carmenere · 20/01/2006 19:48

Thankyou LemonTart I need it

Original poster
cod · 20/01/2006 19:54

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Frieda · 20/01/2006 20:05

Personally I didn't think the article was very good. It was very generalising, judgemental and actually more than a bit mysogenistic. Reading between the lines I reckon the author is full of self-hatred about his unfaithfulness and to let himself off the hook he's projecting his self-hatred on to the women he has affairs with. There's more than a little of the Maddonna/Whore complex in the feature.

Men and women are unfaithful / have affairs with people in a different relationship for any number of reasons. I'm not condoning it, and in an ideal world perhaps it shouldn't happen. But relationships are complex, people change, people are flawed, sometimes people in committed relationships are horrible to each other in countless different ways. I don't think it's particularly helpful to tar all "other women" with the same judgemental brush.

Lacrimosa · 20/01/2006 20:07

Well said!

jstbcs · 20/01/2006 20:55

Havent read whole thread... but am torn on subject... wouldnt want anyone after my Dp, but, i have to say if a man is married, HE is the one who has taken the vow, not the 'women' who are willing to slepp withh im, they should hav e morals, yes, but its him breaking his vows...

Caligula · 20/01/2006 21:00

Agree that it was mysogynistic Frieda but I thought his portrayal of the contempt many men in affairs may feel for the women they're with (both of them) and certainly treat them with, is quite accurate and hard-hitting.

Meanoldmummy · 20/01/2006 21:02

It gets up my nose a bit the way adulterous men always seem to wriggle off the hook. I think it's sad that women find it easier to attack each other...not really sure why that is. I do think if the "other woman" wants to do the decent thing and not be judged harshly, though, she should insist that the man divorce his wife and sort out the arrangements re. his kids before letting him build a relationship with her. But it's wonky that a man who has betrayed his wife (whether there's still love in the marriage or not isn't the issue - marriage is a contract) and let his children down should be forgiven more easily than the woman he has left them for.

motherinferior · 20/01/2006 21:06

Well, OK, my hand goes up too. The reason why I did? If I'm truthful, I actually didn't think I could get the whole helping of a bloke who wanted me and nobody else. So I got myself into various entanglements with blokes who were clearly not going to be in a position to commit to me, as they were committed elsewhere. One stayed with his wife, one split up with her but not for me.

I am not in any way trying to make myself out a victim. I am trying to explain my own, particular - and possibly not unique - f*cked up reasons.

soapbox · 20/01/2006 21:17

This is a difficult one

My ExH left me for a French tart many years ago.

His ability to rewrite the last years of our marriage was rather amazing really! He had, he claimed, been unhappy for a long time - long before his affair had started (he was having an affair for 2 years before I found out). Now in that time we'd done all the usual things that married people do, holidays, fun weekends, time with friends etc etc.

I do believe though, that at least in his own mind, he really believed that what he was saying was 'true'. That being the case, I can see why the French Tart might have believed it too.

I think it is the case, that often the leaving partner has actually started to leave the relationship long before the left behind one is aware of their intentions. This does result in two very different perspectives of the last months/years.

I don't really have terribly strong feelings for the French Tart now - although I did at the time. They split up a couple of years later, as he moved onto the new conquest!

I don't think I would ever trust a man who has had an affair! Ever! I would bet that those who are with men who played a part in the breakup of their previous relationship will find that in time, they too are on the receiving end!

Highly unpleasant little toads that they are!!!!

harpsichordcarrier · 20/01/2006 21:26

that's interesting MI
that's the impulse I see in one of my good friends
"not good enough" - it makes me very sad

motherinferior · 20/01/2006 21:34

Bloodyell, I've just read that article. What an @rse.

Turquoise · 20/01/2006 22:18

Most of the cheating men I know have an attitude that is summed up by Jimmy Goldsmith's line "When you marry the mistress, you create a vacancY".

Meanoldmummy · 20/01/2006 22:23

Bastard.

eidsvold · 21/01/2006 02:45

not all mistresses are single either. My exh and exbest friend had an affair for most of our short marriage. Exbest friend was also married. I was very angry at her -why - she had been my friend for years and years - even angier at him over the whole situation - very nasty divorce BUT all I wished is he had left and then started up with her NOT been having an affair.....

HARDEST PART - according to him ,her, their 'friends' and his family - it was all my fault they had an affair !?!?!?

BEST PART - I don't have to deal with horrid exmil and his family any longer. As far as I know they are still together - not sure if he has cheated on her.

Can't imagine what it is like to be the other woman and can't imagine knowingly getting involved with someone who was married....

expecting · 21/01/2006 11:34

My mum has had several affairs with married men. She is single and her attitude is that she is not the one being unfaithful. I told her I don't feel she is blameless as she is knowingly entering into these relationships. She is in her 50's so don't think you are safe when you get to this age! I asked her why she does it and she said she likes the fact that she can choose when to see them and doesn't have to live with them. The most recent one had had a serious affair before and wife was clueless. Mum said he adores the wife and that she respects that ......urm hello?!!! This man is priceless. Never met him but I was told that he would be v intimidated by me as I am tall and he isn't! Think I'd have given him a bit more than that to intimidate him! When my mum and dad were together they were both unfaithful (though mostly him - she was faithful for ten years).

maturer · 22/01/2006 12:17

"our" freak was a selfish -play the victim - to make men do what I want- type of woman. (my dh had an affair with a work colleague- she was married , no kids- we have 3)
Don't get me wrong- my dh is to blame for what happened too and he was the one who owed me respect and fidelity- not her but I did have this feeling of "how could one woman knowingkly do this to another - try to take a husband and a father away from a family?"
People in an affair are selfish through and trough- my dh turned into this self centred- stupid teenager, living a fantasy and ignoring the real world. She did the same- she wasn't happy with her dh and saw the life my dh had made with me and the kids and quite simlpy she wanted it!
What really got me is that she is one of these people who has chosen not to have kids- no problem with that- but - in her dh words "we don't want kids because we like our life style and she doesn't want to spoil her beautiful body" that just summed up for me what selfish people they were- especially her and it rubbed off on my dh for a time until he woke up to how stupid and naive he was being.
I even saw emails from her to my dh where she was talking about having children with him!!!!!!!!!! I could not believe the foolishness of them- they were in fantasy land and stayed there for a few months.
So in answer to your question these freakish women are self centred and pathetic- I consoul myself with the knowledge that I during all this was a better person, I never lied or treated any of them with disrespect (even though they deserved my contempt) and I know that even after 3 kids I'm lucky enough to have a good body too- and I've got the absolute joy and pleasure of my 3 fantastic children- which she in her selfish world will never experience!

Feel better after that!

bodger · 22/01/2006 14:33

"how could one woman knowingkly do this to another - try to take a husband and a father away from a family?" That's exactly how I feel. I take my share of responsibility for my marriage getting to the point where an affair became an option and obviously "D"H should have talked rather than gone out and shagged some tart with no morals but why on earth would someone knowingly have a relationship with a man who has 2 young children and a pregnant wife at home?

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 14:39

B/c there are a lot of immature, selfish 'adults' out there, bodger. Unfortunately.

'I take my share of responsibility for my marriage getting to the point where an affair became an option'

That's a telling statement. Cuz for some of us - myself included - doing that (having an affair) is NEVER a viable 'option' in a marriage.

I got to the point in my previous marriage where, when I contemplated it, I knew something was seriously wrong w/my marriage and neeeded to be brought up, out of simple common courtesy for my former spouse. Sure, we had our problems, the upshot of which he had major untreated clincial depression, inherited from his dad's side of the family, AND he never wanted kids. But that wasn't an excuse for me to hurt him like that. No way. I mean, you wouldn't do that to a good friend, so why would you do that to someone you're married to? I just don't get that, how someone would rather go shag someone else than have the courtesy to say to their spouse: 'Look, we've got some pretty big problems here and I'm attracted to the idea of sleeping w/someone else.'

expatinscotland · 22/01/2006 14:40

PS, after I brought it up, we went to counselling, but decided there was no real compromise to the kids question, so we divorced by mutual decision a year after we separated.

bodger · 22/01/2006 14:44

No, it would never be an option for me either. I do fully accept that I have to take some blame for the marriage deteriorating though. Everything from that point onwards is down to him though since I tried to correct all the things he gave as reasons that I thought valid. So far he has not seen fit to even try to work it out. Stupid w*nker.

maturer · 22/01/2006 18:17

bodger- are you ok? did you mange to stay together and try get over this?
We did- but 2 years on I still sometimes feel the pain of it all over again.Take care.

Redreadskinnypants · 22/01/2006 22:20

I do think that men are to blame for affairs, mostly, but women who have affairs, do have a share in that.
You don't go around in life acting without social responsibility in other situations, why should having affairs be any different. I think hte reason that many ofus blame the other woman alot is that we have been on the receiving end of it. Evenif there are problems in the marriage, it is the responsibility of both partners to sort them out.
My exh had affairs for years towards the end of our marriage, but begged me continuously to give him another chance. We had lotsof problems, the 'another chance' was not about the affiars. The problems I wanted to end the marriage over were lack of intimacy, respect, lack of time he was spending with me, the way Ifelt like a single parent, he treated me like a spare part and incumberance. He would beg me for another chance and change for a while. I wold try to make it work for years for the sake of our son, and because I felt marriage was about commitment. Eventually we split up, and then I found out about the afairs through a friend, who had found out from her boyfriend.
I don't know why he started having affairs, I think it was because he had the oppurtunity. I also did not spy on him, trusted him stupidly, gave him space and freedom, and though that if he wanted to be with me he would.
By the time the marriag had broken, we were leading seperate lives, I hardly noticed he was gone!

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