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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

who are these freaks whao have affairs with married men

250 replies

cod · 20/01/2006 12:04

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Cristina7 · 20/01/2006 17:30

Have you seen "Match point"? Some men are just cowards, some women pretend not to know.

Original poster
cod · 20/01/2006 17:30

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
prettybird · 20/01/2006 17:30

I have a friend who had a child by a married man (she worked with him - although work never who the father was).

He semi-left his wife - but never propelry - was always having to see her because there were problems with the kids etc, etc, etc......

After over 10 years she finally had enough and finished it. She's now met someoen else and by all accounts is very happy 9I've not been in a touch for a while).

Carmenere · 20/01/2006 18:12

I was going to change my name but have decided not to bother, mainly because I am not ashamed of how I have reached this point in my life. My dp, the father of my dd, was married when I first got together with him. I did know but I also knew that he was genuinely miserable in his marriage.

He had had a serious affair before (he has a 6 year old daughter in Paris)and his wife knew about it but she chose to ignore it. They remained together, her because she was very concerned about what people thought about her, him because he was worried about his children 14, 12 and 9 at the time.

From the start, I was cynical and very aware that the words he was saying to me were the same words that married men have said to their mistress's forever. All my friends and family warned me away from him and I really did try to forget about him. I was in no way a sad and lonely woman, I had a full life and no real shortage of boyfriends. However, I had met my soulmate and that was impossible for me to ignore, I loved him and I felt a deep and genuine love from him and I could not walk away.

As soon as I relented we planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I diddn't have children at that time and I found it difficult to understand why he could not just move out when we had decided to make a go of it. I now know exactly why.

He moved out and for a whole year she diddn't tell anyone that he had moved, I took a back seat not meeting the kids etc until I became pregnant and then we moved in together.

And I am sorry to say that all his fears came true, his wife has emotionally tortured his lovely children to punish him. She has rejected his son who I am happy to have living with us and has turned his daughter totally against him (she told her that he would stop loving her when our dd was born and other such things). His eldest daughter is away at university fortunately and spends most of her holiday time with us so she can see her brother.

Even though his ex is a young attractive woman with 3 lovely children, a new boyfriend, a house and a job, she is eaten up with bitterness. The callous way she has treated her kids is inexcuseable imo.

I have inherited a huge amount of baggage with my dp and have had a horrendously difficult past 5 years, some days I think I am crazy and I want to run away. However more and more I think there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to a happy, calm and settled future with a man whom I love and who loves me. My aim is to have my dp and all his children happily around a dinner table occasionally and I am confident that this will happen.

I have never posted a post this long before but I thought that some of you may want to hear it from the other side.

Original poster
cod · 20/01/2006 18:14

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OP posts:
bodger · 20/01/2006 18:15

"she is eaten up with bitterness"

And who can blame her.

Lacrimosa · 20/01/2006 18:28

carmenere are we the same person? it has now beentwo years since we have seen dsd because of dps exI hope thing s get better for you all x

Caligula · 20/01/2006 18:30

Oh FGS. She cared what people thought of her, while he cared about the children.

I rather think she might have a different version of why they stayed together.

Lacrimosa · 20/01/2006 18:42

I dont always think the wife is innocent I think some men do have affairs for more than just sex

Carmenere · 20/01/2006 18:45

I wrote what I wrote knowing that people on here would be judgemental, I don't feel apologetic about my situation. I'm sorry if that's what you want.

Of course she would have a different account, she needs to be the injured party to justify her behaviour. Her marriage was over long before I arrived on the scene and thats all I will say to justify my behaviour at the beginning of our relationship.

My dp is a very fine man who has made quite a few mistakes and debateably handled things badly, but he is a decent person who would never intentionally hurt his children.

Caligula · 20/01/2006 18:47

Well of course different people have affairs for different reasons. But my point is, the perspective you see it from depends on where you're standing and may not be the whole story.

Anymore than the idea that all older single women are single because they've been waiting for a married man. Some of them may have been busy living. Others may have been left by the man they married.

harpsichordcarrier · 20/01/2006 18:48

well Carmenere I think that his wife is the injured party isn't she? I mean he had two affairs and fathered another child while he was still married. In all honesty that is intentional behaviour which would have hurt his children, surely?
interesting to hear it from this perspective though. have you ever considered that she might have stayed with him through two affairs, another child and all the lies and deceit because she loved him?

Blandmum · 20/01/2006 18:49

I think that if you are married you should be falithful to each other. If you are so unhappy that you are looking for love/ sex/ whatever with someone else you should try to sort out your probelms and if that is not possible end the marriage. then you are free to do what yuo wish.

When you marry you make promices to someone, you should do your best to keep them.

If you have had an affaire with a married man, how sanguine would you be if your dh now played the field, told his bit on the side that he was only sticking with the wife because of the kids etc etc?

mummytosteven · 20/01/2006 18:50

How many of us wouldn't feel bitter if our husband had an affair, and fathered a child?

Meanoldmummy · 20/01/2006 18:51

I don't want to judge anyone personally or hurt them. But since you posted your experience I'll offer my opinion on it. I do think it was completely wrong of you to get involved with your dp while he was still married to his wife. To me that is a black and white issue - that's the whole point of marriage. If your love for each other was so strong and genuine, the decent thing would have been for him to divorce his wife and make proper arrangements regarding the children BEFORE setting up another life with another woman. He is equally to blame, of course. And I agree with Caligula that your version of events sounds rather subjective. I doubt the children's mother would agree that he cared about them more than she did.

Lacrimosa · 20/01/2006 18:53

I agree with the previous comments though only through hindsight! Myself anddp and dp ex would all have been a lot less hurt angry frustrated and confused if hee had separated and divorced first.

bodger · 20/01/2006 18:53

"he is a decent person who would never intentionally hurt his children" This is something that I find confusing. They always say "I never meant to hurt you" but exactly what did they think the result of their actions was going to be? They knew it would hurt the other party but they went ahead and did it anyway.

boobyprize · 20/01/2006 19:10

Carmenere does it not worry you that if things were to go wrong in your realationship that he will find someone else and do it to you too?
I am just wondering

Carmenere · 20/01/2006 19:11

I actually agree that if we had waited until he was divorced that that would have been better for all concerned but we diddn't. I also believe that he has caused hurt and betrayed his wife by breaking his marriage vows and that he shouldn't have done that. That was before I met him, when I met him they just shared the house.

Obviously I only have his word for it but it does seem (particularly in hindsight) to have been an empty and loveless marriage.

His fears for the children sadly have been founded, the reason he stayed with her was he was worried for them, he had an inkling of how she would behave. She has been unbelieveabley cruel to her own children, she has withdrawn love from them, she has casually used them to hurt dp and she takes no responsibility for the breakdown of her marriage or her subsequent behaviour. She is not a good person or a heartbroken injured party. Dp is guilty of many things but he loves his children equally and unconditionally.

MrsMiggins · 20/01/2006 19:13

I knew of a man who had 3 women at the same time AND they all worked in same place including him....he wasnt married BUT he managed to keep them all going
1 was with him from 18 for 10 yrs
2 was with him from 30's for 10 yrs
3 was with him from 20's for 20 yrs

then he met someone else, ditched all mistresses and married her

3rd one died from being an alcoholic

Meanoldmummy · 20/01/2006 19:13

Mrs Miggins - [disgust and revulsion emoticon]

Carmenere · 20/01/2006 19:16

No boobyprize, I don't because what we have been through together has been traumatic, he is well aware of the hurt that has been caused. When I met him he was deeply submerged in a tangled mess and we are just coming out of it now. One of the byproducts of having been through this kind of mess is that there is a fair bit of transperency between us. If he has an affair, I won't stop him, I just won't have him back and I will never ever try to stop him seeing dd.

Lacrimosa · 20/01/2006 19:20

I can undestand that , I think if you have ever been a 'mistress' you can understand loveless relationships and I hope it will never happen but if it did I know how he would be feeling about me because i was with him when he was feeling it about her and I dont think I could live with someone who thought that about me. ?

Lacrimosa · 20/01/2006 19:21

ok sorry I dont know how to explain this properly sorry

LemonTart · 20/01/2006 19:28

For someone to be so unfaithful to his wife and children rather than deal with his home life first shows such a basic flaw and deceitfulness in their character, how on earth can you trust them not to do it to you in a few years down the line? What makes the new partner so different from the last? It isn?t love - he must have loved the first at some stage, just like he loves the newer model.
I hate it when the new partner justifies an affair by running the ex wife down. It is so unnecessary. How on earth does one woman?s parenting skills and copign strategies after a traumatic split with a husband (esp with chidlren involved) justify anything? So he was miserable - then deal with it first, don?t jump ship and forget to tell your wife you are off sailing new waters. TBH carmenere, I got quite annoyed reading your post and found myself guilty of judging you on the basis of about 20 words - I am sorry. I am sure that you found the whole business of having an affair very difficult at the time and I am sure that you have some compassion for what you and your partner have put his ex wife through. Please be careful not to sound like you are finding flaws with her as a means to justify what you both have done as I am sure you are a lot nicer than that in rl