Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

looked at your post earlier and hoped someone with the relevant experience would be along...so I'm bumping, there is bound to be someone who can help.

For what it is worth I think you are brave and right but I can see it is a very difficult thing to do.

When is the next hearing?

Have you received any help from Victim Support www.victimsupport.org ?
If the case goes to trial you should be allocated a witness care officer who will support you throughout the proceedings.

However, I'm somewhat confused about the charge and your mention of a possible trial. Are you absolutely certain that he has only been charged with 'common assault' as opposed to, say, causing actual body harm?

I'm very sorry but, sadly, unsurprised to learn that the support you've received so far has been useless less than satisfactory and that you feel you've been 'thrown to the wolves'. It is lamentable that so many victims have to effectively source support for themselves at a time when they not be best placed to do so - hopefully others may come forward on this thread to provide the words you need to hear.

Was the DVS worker allocated to you by Women's Aid? Regardless, I would suggest that you search 'womens aid' followed by your county or nearest city/town and call your local branch with a view to attending support groups or being put in contact with other women who are/have been in your situation.

Do you have non-molestation and/or occupation Orders in place? How is his anger at being held to account for his actions being manifested to you? Is there any reason why you are required to have any face to face contact with him - eg his contact with dc, etc?

If you are unable to access the support you may feel that you need, you could ask your GP to refer you for counselling although, given the demand for these services, it mat be that the case will have been heard before you get plugged into the 'therapy system', so to speak.

Notwithstanding any support/counselling you are able to access, I would suggest that you try not to think ahead to being required to give evidence against him. Try to focus on the immediate future and what you intend to do after the case has been heard.

Needless to say, you chosen the only path that it is feasible for anyone to take after they have been subjected to an assault of any kind and where the CPS/police have determined that charges should be brought against the perpetrator.

You may feel that you will not benefit from him being brought to account but you can sleep well at night knowing that you have done your civic duty and, hopefully, spared the next unfortunate woman he takes up with the ordeal that you have endured.

Your courage is remarkable - I can only wish that more victims of dv and more police authorities were as equally determined to bring abusers to account in law.

BTW, have you enquired as to whether you have a claim to put before the CICA, or whether the criminal court may make an order of restitution in the event that he is found guilty? NB in respect of the latter the you will need to talk to the CPS barrister who has been assigned to prosecute the case.

He would rather make you suffer by putting you through the doubt and uncertainty of waiting for, and then going through, a court case. It is more of his abuse. I cannot offer any advice other than be strong and post here.

*a court case, than accept a caution.

That is exactly what I said to the police when they rang to say he had not accepted the caution so they had charged him - a further chance for him to make me suffer. I believe he thinks he can stand up in court and say I am a liar and he will be believed over me. Not only that, I know he thinks he had every justification for hitting me because I wasnt doing his bidding.

*Izzy" I am not absolutely certain now you have said it that the charge is common assault. I was told when I made my statement that if he was charged that would be the charge. It was explained that they always go for the lesser charge in order to make it stick. When I got the call to say it had happened the police just said "charged" because he refused to accept the caution. The hearing was explained to me as basically the opportunity to plead guilty or not guilty. They said with his attitude "I am afraid it will be not guilty". I wish I could find someone who knew more about the process because Victim Support certainly dont! The officer said Witness Support will be in touch if/when he pleads not guilty to explain the process but thats not for a few weeks.

I have tried ringing Womens Aid a few times but havent been able to get through and if they are that busy I am sure there must be women who are in immediate danger also trying to call. I'm not in danger any more.

I already have a counsellor who I have been going to for some time, and have now found a very sympathetic GP. The Victim Support charity have been hopeless. Its all very disjointed and the woman who is assigned to me sounds so inexperienced its almost laughable.

I do feel safe in my own home now and I dont have to see him - only one DC at home who does not want contact and is old enough not to be forced into it. I do have to communicate with over the divorce and I am doing that by email.

I am trying to live for today and telling myself that it will all be over one day but it is so hard.

There must be someone on MN who has either been through similar or knows of someone who has. Pop a note on the abuse thread?

Please keep trying to ring Women's Aid, also do a google search to see if your county has a domestic abuse service (not the police's) that you can contact. Please don't be complacent about your safety because your risk may have increased. He is very angry, that may be directed at you as he will see you as the source of his problems. Do you have children? Does he see them? Are there times when you will have to have contact with him. Has he been given conditional bail, ie not to contact you? Did the police assess your risk? Have they done a safety survey on your home? Does stbx have keys to the house? Sorry for the barrage of questions but I'm a bit worried about your safety tbh. A lot of assaults against women happen when the relationship is breaking down so now could be a bit of a risky period for you.

Free initial interview with solicitor? Ask a university law dept? (I have a friend in one, I'll try her)

Sorry, just saw your sentence about DC not having contact. Even so, please do keep trying with Women's Aid.

Believe it or not the assaults took place in early December and stbx was arrested then initially. Thats when I was the most frightened but the police said any contact at all just call and time has passed and I have not felt frightened of being physically attacked since. Since the charge I can feel the bile coming through in his emails about the divorce. It is certainly making the divorce a more difficult process and he is going to argue and fight like a rabied dog about every little thing. I am going to have to find a way to let it wash over me

Without going into detail which would really out me he has been very very nasty about a family matter recently that he could have used to his advantage to get back in contact with his children and come over as a decent and caring person. He made things worse by his bad handling of it. It was emotionally abusive to me but hell it strengthened me up because I knew the man I once loved was gone forever.

Sorry should have also said I think he will now be clever enough to try and come across as Mr Reasonable dealing with Mrs Passed Over For a Younger Woman and bitter about it.

I think mine is going for Deluded Madwoman with MH History attempts to screw money out of innocent husband (cocklodger, btw)

that's not quite right - DM w MH H attempts to take unfair share of marital assets.

Yes PinkPussycat they think of it as all their money dont they?

Can you point me in the way of the abuse thread? There must be someone who has got as far as a court case. I am beginning to feel I have been very unlucky indeed to end up in this position.

I will bump it, my last post seems to have temporarily killed it

bumped, you'd better post, or what I wrote will look silly :)

Oh, dear dont worry PP.This is totally par for the course as far as my situation is concerned.

I dont know how to say this without sounding bitter but in RL as well as here people/friends/agencies/charities have so much to say about in the beginning - leave him, tell the police, sign a statement, we will support you and then whoosh, everyone has gone to help the next poor woman who is yet to find the strength to report it.

A very kind former policeman told me that I am now stuck in a "process". It is something I have no control over and I need to accept it and go along with it, and try if it is possible to not take it too personally. He explained that I will come out of the other side and the outcome may be what I want or maybe not. WTF I want the outcome to be I have no idea, but all I wanted it to be was for me to be safe for the sake of my children. A stbx with a criminal conviction or me being discredited in court and him getting off scott free are the only two possible outcomes now and I dont want either of them.

So basically you become as proactive as possible in getting yourself and your children out of danger and then if the perpetrator so wishes he will turn you into a passive victim of the justice system.

Hi spring, reading this, and the questions you have-why don't you book an appointment with a solicitor specialising in this kind of crime, take a list of questions with you, having prepped the lawyer that answers are what you need, and get them to outline it step by step? It might not be a cheap exercise (though you might get a free half hour), but it might kick start you out of the feeling of being stuck in the process.

When you have your answers, it might help you decide what you want out of all this.

Incidentally, and forgive me if I missed this, have you got a really good divorce lawyer?

Yes, I do have a really good divorce lawyer. She comes highly recommended and she translates our discussions into firm but fair proposals. Whenever I speak to her I come out of it feeling better and reassured. She gives me total confidence that she will do the best for me, yet not enter into a big expensive battle. If it wasnt for this hanging over me I believe I would be well on my way to moving on now. I've been getting on really well at my counselling etc.

Unfortunately that solicitor is not local to me so I guess I would have to look myself for a criminal lawyer in my own area. I presume they would know the local courts too.

Hi spring, I don't have experience of this but just wanted to say don't feel you can't phone WA because you're not in immediate danger. They may well have experience of women who have gone through similar and hopefully will be able to support you through it. Have you tried your local one? They might have the details of solicitors who specialise in this area too.

Otherwise I've seen people recommending Respect a charity aimed at DV perpetrators - apparently you are more likely to get through to them than WA (as the abusers don't think they need help!) and they might be able to offer you some help.

Have you kept all your emails he's been sending about the divorce? If there's anything inflammatory in there you might be able to do something legal with those?

Good luck.

As you are not the one that has been charged with a criminal offence, there's absolutely no need for you to waste your money or time consulting a criminal or any lawyer in this matter.

A call to the relevant police station should enable you to establish what he has been charged with.

If he has been charged with common assault, regardless of whether he pleads guilty or not guity, the matter will be dealt with in the Magistrates Court. If he pleads or is found guilty the maximum sentence is 6 months imprisonment which may be suspended or a fine (a maximum of £5000 comes to mind but don't quote me).

NB: maximum sentences are rarely applied to first offenders and barristers earn their fees as much from mounting defences as entering pleas in mitigation in the event of a guilty verdict. Even if found guilty of common assault he is likely to receive the proverbial slap on the wrist unless one of the magistrates is suffering from indigestion

As it seems he was charged in December, I would hazard a guess that justice will be seen to be done at the forthcoming Hearing.

Do you have a friend/relative who can accompany you on the day to help steady your nerves and provide a comforting presence? Either the Court or witness support officers can ensure that you do not have be in the same room as the defendent until you are called to give evidence.

If, as I have surmised, the case will be dealt with at the forthcoming Hearing, the CPS barrister should be in touch with you prior to the date to discuss your statement and explain the proceedings.

Your experience is not uncommon, spring, and it cannot be stated too often that support for victims of dv can be a lottery particulary as, on reading this board, I'm often led to believe that there must be a parallel universe overflowing with helpful police officers who haul abusers off and dispense immediate justice, dv support workers who virtually move in with victims and dispense accurate advice and comfort 24/7, Mary Poppins-type social workers who are tirelessly dedicated to ensuring that no dc come to harm, and therapists/counsellors who are little short of miracle workers.

The reality is starkly different as it can seem to many victims that, after an initial brief flurry of interest, there is marked indifference to their plight by those who are employed to operate 'the system'. It should also be noted that 'the system' itself can be subject to regional variation.

But don't despair, honey. You'll get through this and if you care to pm me with the name of your nearest city/town (or borough council if you live in London), I'll send you the number of your nearest Women's Aid offices.

Hi Izzy. He wasnt charged until about a week ago. He was arrested in December, released on bail pending enquiries ie. Drs report, consultation with CPS etc and then charged after being offered a caution which he declined. I do know he consulted the duty solicitor. The police told me when they rang with this information about the charge that there would be an initial hearing which I wouldnt have to attend. I know the date of that. At that it will be just a "do you plead guilty or not guilty". They said it would most certainly be not guilty given his attitude, and then a date would be set for court when I will have to attend and give evidence. I understand this could be as long ahead as 6 months!

That is all the facts I have. Thank you so much for your information, I am relieved to hear all of it. It doesnt sound half so daunting the way you describe it. I will PM you for the information.

It so helps just knowing, doesn't it, Spring?

If you can establish exactly - i.e the precise wording- what he's been charged with, I can hopefully provide you with more information as to 'due legal process', honey.

However, from your above response, a few weeks' ago he was formally charged with an offence or offences (to be determined) and released on police bail to appear at x Magistrates Court on x date at which time he will be required to enter a plea.

If he pleads guilty the case will be dealt with on that date. If he pleads not guilty and has kept his nose clean in the interim by not committing any additional/other offence, he will be remanded on bail until such time as the matter is set down for hearing. As you have said, there is no need or requirement for you to attend the Court on this occasion.

In the meantime, please rest assured that giving evidence is by no means as daunting as it may sound. If you have not visited a Court of Law before, arrangements can be made for you to view an empty Court prior to the Hearing so that you see where the various parties to the proceedings will sit and won't be unduly overwhelmed by your surroundings.

If justice is meted out in appropriate measure you may, in time, even come to regard it as something of a 'grand day out' and may find yourself joining one of the dedicated bands of spectators who regularly travel to the public galleries of criminal courts up and down the country - the Old Bailey frequently puts on a good show

I really don't know how I can add to this thread, but I really wanted you to know that I am here and will offer any support to you that you feel you need.

Have you had much contact with the Woman's Aid Outreach worker? They can come to you and chat with you if you need it, and they will know sympathetic police officers too I think.

You can't let him off the hook for this, we all understand that you are scared, and that you feel you are not being taken seriously, but there ARE people who understand what you are going through and they DO have the fight to push this through. WA is a great place to start to get your arsenal of RL support going.

As Izzy said, don't despair. You get through this, and in fact you ARE getting through it. I know you feel like you are alone in this, but you are not, there are many of us who have lived as you have lived and we are out and free.

Those of us that have had directly relevant experience with courts etc (not me) no longer live in the all-enveloping fog of an abusive relationship, we can see more clearly than before, so can help guide you through this maze.

Stay strong, refuse to cave in and you too can be free and safe. We'll hold your hand every single step of the way. This thread fills up, we'll make more, OK?