Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

Goldierocks that is an extraordinary tale and great to hear that you got justice in the end. There are so many stories so much worse than mine. I am going to remember that when walking into the court. If others can do it then so can I.

I agree about the control. It is what these men are all about. I cant say it will be over after the trial as I still am nowhere with the financial side of the divorce. However, that too will happen in the end.

Thank you so much for the support.

Spring, you say his bile is coming through in his emails. You also say your DC doesn't see him. Instruct your lawyer to instruct him that all communications with you can be done through her from now on. You really do not need to be dealing with him at all. And not dealing with him is the only way to show him that he cannot control you anymore, even if he wants to drag his game out in court. He will get bored dealing with a legal team instead of with you directly.

Damsel that is more or less what I have been doing since the end of January. I have had the odd occasion when I have had no alternative but to communicate with him. It is only to make myself look reasonable when the financial hearing takes place.

He tries to rile me still but I just dont react. It was hard a first but now I actually enjoy not reacting. I feel a little bit more control coming back every time. The latest episode was last week. For the first time it came from the OW. She is obviously having a go for him now. Totally pathetic.

Our solicitors just communicate with each other. His never responds to any letters from until the second or third attempt from my solicitor and then it is just with a blocking comment so I guess that is on instruction from Ex. Unless of course they are both misogynistic bullies which is possible! I have suggested something that would be of great benefit to him, but thats being ignored too. I want to put the marital home on the market which I am living in with DC but still no response. So, he's still paying the mortgage. Mental.

I did it. I was in the witness box for 1.5 hours. Gruelling. I came out thinking I had done the best I could. I left straight away to congratulations that I had been a good witness. So for me it was over at that point.

But I got my reward - he was found guilty, given a conditional discharge, bound over to keep away from for 18 months and made to pay £300 costs.

I am totally exausted now and have emailed and texted and spoken to so many people but wanted to post now as you are all just as important. Thank you so much for the support and anyone who wants to know anything please ask away.

The most important thing is that I feel safe to carry on my life and I am truely thankful to the judge for believing me.

Brilliant news

I think I might have to name change to Springissprung

sooo happy for you. it's been playing on my mind all week. sorry if i scared you

No you didnt scare me Someday. All comments have been most gratefully received.

There was one point when I was being cross examined when I thought briefly that I couldnt carry on. I wanted to shout shut up and leave me alone. I just stopped and breathed and thought of all the Mn'ers virtually carrying me through. It almost felt my RL friends wouldnt cope if that makes sense. My brilliant friend who came with me said there was a point - and it was this same point, all about the position of a piece of bloody furniture for god's sake - when she wanted to stand up and shout leave her alone!! From the depths of the vast collective experiences on this board, maybe I got a second wind.

Thank you all. x

love a good and well deserved happy outcome.

well done you are a strong and wonderful woman....go grab hold of that life!

Oh that is brilliant!

I've been following this thread and willing you on and wondering when the trial was happening. Hooray for you!
I'm sure you will be hugely relieved it is over, then flat when the adrenaline runs out, then ready to start moving forward again completing the financial arrangements. Keep posting if it helps. You have support here!

Lemon that is so true about the aftermath. I am still so full of adrenaline that I cant sleep. Luckily I have some sleeping tablets and I cant imagine not needing to take one again tonight.

I have a counselling session next week and cant wait for a professional "debriefing".

Luckily I will be going on holiday fairly soon so that will be nice moving on moment.

Also the year anniversary of Ex leaving is coming up. It will be a significant moment - the next year will be all mine. Has anyone else felt this a significant moment in the healing process after separation?

I have only just read it and wanted to say congratulations.
:)

Glad that the court case went so well.

I hope he does stay away.

Well, famous last words on the above post. By the time that had been written Ex had bee round intimidating me again. You would think he hadnt been to court and found guilty.

It's quite a long story but to make it shorter he wanted to take something we still jointly own from outside the house yesterday. He said this by text. I said ok and I would leave it elsewhere for him that he could leave it back there when he had finished. For starters, I didnt want to be helping him break his bind over. (whatever that actually is). Well, he returned this item right to the house. He came into the drive and started revving wildly so I would know he was there. I was upstairs on my own and wondered what on earth the noise was, and was astonished and frightened when i looked out of the window. He then left and I phone 101. The police were lovely and called round today as I said I was ok - friend on her way to stay the night with me.

So - forward to this afternoon. On discussion with police officer who called round we decided between us that this item would be delivered to Ex , to be left outside his premises. I dont want the hassle of him forever keeping turning it for it. Giving it him for good will mean he cant find an excuse to call round. The officer drove behind me. I thought he would not be there and he was. The pc told me to get in the police car and he delt with it. I didnt hear and didnt want to hear the conversation. OW all involved too. . How bloody glad I was that pc with me!!

The message I was getting was, you might of "won" in court but I am still able to frighten and control you. I am hoping the action I have taken has given him a message.

Meanwhile NO-ONE seems to know what the terms of the binding over are. Ex claims no one told him, police dont know and I certainly dont! What a bloody shambles. No wonder women end up getting killed eh? I would have thought the most dangerous time is immediately after the conviction when they are sooo angry at being brought to book.

Oh and as an aside, OW apparently arguing that the binding over is 12 months not 18 {hmm} Well, sorry love but what difference does that make when it only started on last week.

Supportive words will be very gratefully received especially as I am on my own again tonight.

Come on girl...look how far you've come. Don't allow him the satisfaction of intimidating you. You've got too many friends for him to upset you.

Your going to be fine .
His attempts failed.
You called the police - its recorded - and the evidence of what he did is there.
He tried again - and came face to face with a policeman.
He knows you will not hesitate to contact them if anything else happens.
If he did - closer to a jail sentence he will go.
But the reality is - he knows he's not getting away with it!
So he didn't achieve what he thought he did! And screw the OW.
You going to be just fine - you have come all this way - if anything else happens, contact the police, but maybe invite a friend over for company if that makes you feel better :)

Your right I know. Keep saying it girls!

He's just got me when I was hoping for a quiet, healing weekend after last weeks stress. How does the song go "I got knocked down, I got up again".............I can get myself up another time cant I?

Sending hugs.

I have to say I'm not surprised. From what I read, that is typical behaviour.
You just need to keep calling the police and keep safe.

Have you considered installing CCTV? Or at least filming him outside your home reviing the car, or whatever if it happens again?
And call the police immediately. He's breaking a court order and could see himself straight in jail.

What about the Helen Reddy song 'I am Woman'?

It has the lines... 'and I know too much to go back and pretend' 'and no one's ever gonna keep me down again.'

Listen to that for inspiration, perhaps.

I wondered if you knew the script Lueji. The police advised me not to hesitate in dialing 999 rather than 101. They do a very good job in these parts at least.

They are very let down by what services come next. My supposed Witness "Care" Officer is positively hostile. When I complained that she hadnt let me know the outcome of the trial she said they werent legal obliged to until 24 hours had elapsed. It actually had!

I shall look that song up. I must know it but my brain has gone to mush. Is it in Briget Jones Diary?

bloody brilliant news spring! i knew his decision not to accept the caution would bite him on the arse.....fucker!

you must dial 999 if you are in fear at any time.

im pleased you got a good result, another one bites the dust! i love my job when this happens.....

Thanks Vicar. I'm still reeling from the shock. I got a lovely email from the female pc who came to see me initially and took my statement. Job well done by her and me.

You are such a heroine to me spring.

Thats very kind of you Lurking. I shall try and hold on to that today.

I dont feel like one this morning. . I have to get up and go to work soon and I am so exhausted I dont know how I am going to get through the day. I want to stay under the duvet and lick my wounds. I cant take time off as no-one to cover for me and its a brand new job anyway.

You ARE a heroine hun! You didn't let him win. He bullied you into court. You held your head high and fought him and WON. It's perfectly normal (trust me) to want to stay in bed and cry. You're human. But you still won. Don't ever forget that. xx