Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

I did, didnt I? You would not believe the shite I had to put up with from his brief and everything she gave me I knocked back till she came out with some crap about how angry I was because the OW was younger than me. I knew I'd won then. She hadnt got anything else. I said I couldnt care less but obviously it was very embarrassing for our children especially DD who is of similar age. She regretted asking it then. . After that I just acted bored with her questions and she gave up. My friend said to me I should have said she wont look as good as me at my age and neither will you, love! . When I start getting flashbacks about her relentless questions I think of that and it makes me smile and I feel better.

I know I will recover soon. I just have to get some rest.

I might have said that I felt sorry for the poor woman, because abusers don't really change.
And that I was very happy he could concentrate on another victim woman. But seeing that he was so happy why couldn't he leave me alone?

My case hasn't been to court yet, but I think he must have been called to give a statement a while ago and he didn't come.

My guess is he is scared and I have told him that the next time he comes anywhere near my sight without previous warning that I will call the police immediately.

We can only be tough on this scum.
No benefit of doubt, and no sorry, because they don't for you.

Another well done! So glad you kept going and got the result! Don't let the dickwad get to you now - you got to him in the only way that matters, the legal way.

Rest up and recover, you can hold your head high.

Thanks Dharma. .

Good luck Lueji, I hope you get some news soon about the case.

You have reminded me - a minute or so after Ex assaulted me OW accused me of kicking her dog. I said to her "Dont be ridiculous you stupid bint". Not exactly the biggest put down in the circumstances - her having witness the assault and just smirked. I put this in my statement. His barrister asked me if that is what I thought of her - a stupid bint. I said" I suppose I did at the time but I think a lot worse of her now I have absorbed the fact that as a woman she witnessed the assault of another woman and didnt even say for god sake stop." I had forgotten that bit.

I am finding work very hard this week.

Spring around the corner? I think you should change your name to spring has SPRUNG girlie!!!

The OW sounds like she deserves your piece of shit ex. No, I take that back. No matter how crap she is at being a human being, no one deserves an abusive partner.

You gotta find a way to laugh that she accused you of kicking her dog when obviously kicking the shit out of a human being s a-okay in her book?

What aspects of work are you finding hard?

Yes, must change my name.

I can't stand dog obsessed people. Ex cant either so he's going to find it quite irritating now he is living with them.

I'm finding it really hard to concentrate at work. I just feel like I am running on empty mentally, if that makes sense. I also dont want people telling me what to do in bossy way or being condescending. I can normally deal with that sort of thing very well. It is a feeliing of being weakened emotionally may be? I expect it is post traumatic stress?

Yep, definitely PTSD (I have it very badly myself from my father.) Have you considered getting a counsellor? If you can't, trash tv (think Jerry Springer) usually reminds me my life could be worse. seriously though, are you sure you're ready to be back at work? If you don't want to take a break I really do think you need to see someone. You've been through a massive trauma, even though you've come through the other end doesn't mean you don't need a bit of support and a shoulder to let it all out on!

I still baulk at men telling me what to do in a commanding voice. You may find that little things like that never go away, but get better with time and some help.

Ohh you'd HATE my DP doxies! I do as well Hopefully you'd love my little Chihuahua. I don't allow her to be 'a Chihuahua' if that makes sense. She is currently in the middle of a torrid love affair with my brain damaged cat who is also in love with the turtle..Who does not reciprocate.

You know what? Spend a week at my place, then you'll feel better about work!

I do have a counsellor. I am going on Thursday for the first time since court. She was brilliant at helping me to cope with being in the court and PTSD is one of her specialities so hopefully I will feel better then. Looking back in hindsight I think I should have tried to arrange an earlier appointment but as I always go on Thursdays... Cant wait really. Luckily I have tomorrow off so that should help. I am just going to potter and meet a friend for coffee.

Sorry posted without finishing! I dont object to dogs or people who love their dogs - just people who treat the dogs like human beings.

I can understand about men with commanding voices Lurking. One of my friends husbands gave her a really nasty put down in my presence recently and I felt quite sick.

Have you thought about going twice a week for the first month? I used to do that for the first three years

That is a good idea. I should have thought of this. Optimistic ol' me thought that once the trial was over I would be able to move to once a fortnight as its so expensive. Worth it, obviously but still a massive drain on my income.

Ops. My grammer and punctuation are going. My friend only has one husband. [embarassed]

It is the support that has made me strong, Stuffit. The day I started this thread was my lowest day. I didnt feel lonely but alone. I was truly desperate and I felt no-one could help me. It was complete isolation. When I think about it now, I know how far I have come. It was finding people who knew and had experienced these things that was the turning point for me.

I have just read this whole thread as it popped up on 'most active'.

I just wanted to say a massive well done to you Spring. I hope anyone who is looking for strength to stop an abusive situation reads this and gains confidence from what you have done.

On a side note, I am also quite heartened to hear that the service you received from the police was ok.

Good luck for your much brighter future!

Loving the guilty verdict! Well done!

Noel, the police have been fantastic and continue to be so. They are acutely aware that a seemingly minor altercation can escalate into tragedy. The have been extremely kind, and endlessly patient. When I originally reported it the female PC was here for 4 hours. I had a wobble before I signed the statement and she was very understanding but gently persuasive that it had to be done for my safety. I felt I couldnt get my children's father arrested and she told me quite rightly that my children would want me to be safe from him.

I have her mobile number, her email and whilst she is now doing something that keeps her office bound she keeps up with the situation and I can contact her any time.

Hi, only just caught up with that man's latest shenanigans- words cannot describe how disgusting his behaviour has been

You instinctively did the right thing again and I hope he understands that this is not the old Spring he's dealing with. Well done!

Your adrenalin spikes are probably not helping but it's not long until Thursday. I'm sure your counsellor will be very proud of how well you have managed thus far- as I, and probably everyone else who's read this thread am.

Hold your head high; you've earned the right

Well further shenanigans today - a friend told me that someone told her that he had it on good authority from two different people that Ex had NOT in fact been found guilty and that she was wrong. . I was so fucking furious I cant tell you how bad it was. I know exactly who it would have been -his fucking lying twunt of a business partner for one.

Back miles in this thread I was all worried about the press getting to know and know I am praying it gets in the local paper. To have to go through all that and then a load of twunts lie about the verdict is beyond fucking belief.

Despite what I am writing I have actually calmed down now and I havent done anything about it other than put the letter from the CPS in my handbag to keep on my person at all times. I had lunch with a friend and we talked it through. I really am tempted to send partner twunt a photo copy though. He had a go at me for not telling him about Ex's affair. . How the fuck did I know that he didnt know about it seeing as they both employ her to run their office??? On that basis I could send a copy saying as you didnt know about the affair I am wondering whether you know about the verdict so here is a copy of my letter from the CPS. .

The advice is to do and say nothing though I guess?

Hi, I couldnt have Springhassprung so here I am with the less punchy Springhasarrived.
love
the former Springaroundthecorner x

Ooh, I'd be soooo tempted!

I am Married, I really am. I am thinking of sending it to his home address and addressing it to him and his wife.

Anyone else have any thoughts on that?

Don't start contacting his business partner. Remember, YOU are reasonable.

He will do his best to goad you over the next while, because he is angry. Don't play into his hands.

And well done for the court result. You do need to clarify exactly what they mean by being bound over and the conditional discharge.

I am still waiting on that one Beryl re the binding over but otherwise the letter makes the rest quite clear.

I would think I would come over as reasonable to be letting his partner know. I did call him to let him know that Ex had been arrested and said then that I thought I had better let you know seeing as you took me to task for not telling you about the affair.

I probably wont though as I think any non reaction to events winds Ex up more than anything.