Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

Voldemort? Don't invest the twut with supernatural powers that he doesn't posess, honey.

File any correspondence from him under 'T' for tosser because that's all he is.

Will do.

I hate waking up so early every morning. At least if the mornings were lighter I could start my day. Roll on longer days and the energy that spring brings. I want to find the energy to start clearing out the house and preparing it for sale. DC doesnt want to move but I explained why we are going to last night and he understood. We are not going at all far so there will be very little disruption other than clearing out the debris of the family of 5 that once lived here.

Twunt does not know of my plans. I'm waiting to get a bit more down the financial road before I reveal them. Even having plans gives me some power back.

Don't have personal experience or legal knowledge to offer. What an utterly foul experience. You sound capable and forward-looking. Keep on posting - not because we want all the details (unless you want to give any) but so you can at least get support here. Hope today pans out OK.

Hi all. Just been having a very down morning crying and in a right mess when I got some sympathy etc but then just now I had some really good news about the court case. I cant share it - with anyone, not just here on a thread - but I just wanted to tell you all that things are looking very positive. I almost cant believe it but then I am going to keep telling myself that justice is often done and why wouldnt it work out for me for a change?

I am so pleased you have good news!
We are all routing for you.

Seconding what mummytime has said :)

Update
.
I am hoping that this thread might serve as help to someone else of these days so I'm going to try and keep up with how everything is progressing as it happens so I get the proper feelings down.

I finally heard from Witness Care today. Very nice and very competent woman on the phone. I felt very reassured by her attitude and she said that she would be my contact from now on and that I can speak to her anytime etc etc. She is going to update me after the first hearing (the one I dont have to attend) on the plea and then guide me through everything. I was also offered suggestions about giving evidence by video link etc. I said I would be ok to stand normally in court and not even have a screen. Does this sound bonkers? I just feel I want to see it through properly now and literally face up to it all. I said I would not look at stbx but was ok to be in the same room. The great news and what I didnt imagine is that once I have given my evidence I can leave. What a relief that is. I can also have a non molestation order put in place for afterwards. I need to look into that further but I have got plenty of time yet.

It almost feels like Witness Care dont get in touch for a while to let the whole thing sink in as I gave answers today that I would not have given when I started this thread and was in such a state. But equally perhaps the wheels just grind too slowly in the "system"?

I keep getting big wobbles about everything, but when I am feeling down something seems to come along and bring me back to a happier place. It has happened twice in the past 2 days. Well, when I say something, I really mean someone. Yesterday I was in my car about to drive away thinking "I need some help with this" (a practical matter) and literally round the corner came someone who I havent seen since stbx left and he stopped his car and offered any practical help he could give me. I burst into tears with relief and gratitude. I have even stopped feeling silly about crying now. I just do it.
Today, I forced myself to go out and bumped into someone who immediately took me off to a cafe for a coffee and I was able to talk about my morning solicitor emails about the financial settlement. She was also someone who could help and advise on that.

I think this is changing me. Im not sure yet whether it is getting the old me back or a new version of me but cant believe I dont care about crying in public anymore! I have learnt to dab my tears without smudging my mascara too!

He did of course plead not guilty and it is 4 months till the trial. It is taking place in a magistrates court miles away, in a big town I dont know at all. That has rather thrown me and I've decided to definitely go on the court visit and a friend is going to come with me. I can decide whether I want to give evidence behind a screen or not.

If I had know how long and drawn out this was going to be I would have have second thoughts I think. But equally I was very frightened after what he did and pehaps he wouldnt have stopped at that without police intervention?

There is on thing, it is making the divorce so much more expensive not being able to go for mediation but then who wants to mediate with a bully?

I havent told the dc's about the court date yet. Its so horrible for them. Do you think it might be something that makes the local paper or because the court is so far away maybe not? He is such an idiot. It would all have been over now if he had accepted the caution.

Help on how to cope between now and then would be greatly appreciated.

Spring - I'm a journalist and no, I don't think it will be reported. If your local paper has a court roundup (very unusual nowadays, have a look) the bare bones might be in there, but courts have an enormous churn of cases and there needs to be something... (sorry, searching for the right word because I'm not in any way denigrating the horribleness of what you've been through) ...unusual / notable about it.

So, for example, an average burglar probably wouldn't be written up - a particularly prolific burglar might. If your H is very rich, or has any role in public life (a councillor, a police officer) it might be of more interest. But assuming he has an unremarkable job I do doubt it.

Hi Spring. Glad things are progressing at least.

I think if it is a long way away then you may find that they don't report it if it's not very local but I wouldn't bank on it- a lot of papers have reporters who deal with villages and areas well out of town specifically. if you live in a very rural area and your case is heard in the nearest large town or city then they probably will have a reporter there. It depends more on the court list for that day ie if they have a busy heavy list the press might have other cases they are concentrating on.

It's horrible but there's not a lot you can do about that aspect of it. Maybe the local witness service would have more of an insight.

Has he been in contact at all?

Hi

In a somewhat similar situation. I have just read your past posts and wanted to say you are very brave and strong.

You did the right thing by reporting it, even though it can be hard now, but you are clearly doing well.

I'm sure you'll be fine. Is there is physical evidence of him beating you, there should be no excuses.

I hope all goes well in the trial.

Ooh I definitely bow to finallyfinally's greater knowledge!

I would know how to make a quite a big story about it but hopefully no one will make the connection especially with it being so far away. He does have a significant job. Would his profession be revealed in court?

Lueji sorry to hear you are going through this too. How are you coping?

Hi spring, sorry to hear what you're going through.

A year or two ago, I went along to a local magistrates' court to watch a trial (I'm a law student), and it was a DV case. The woman was supported by Women's Aid, and used a screen all the way down the court room so she did not see her ex at all, but the magistrate could see both her and her ex.

Talking to the barristers and WA worker, they said the biggest problem in DV cases is often that the victim/woman does not turn up on the day, because it's so traumatic/difficult for them, and it's hard to convict without their evidence. They were all very sympathetic to her, and even on the day it was very hard for her to compose herself long enough to testify. But the message I got was that if you can possibly manage it, you must do it.

Her ex called her a liar. And that allowed the prosecution to bring up his previous convictions.... silver lining to every cloud. Does your ex have any other convictions?

The case I watched ended with a conviction. It wasn't reported at all at that time, that I know of, but after sentencing occurred (weeks later) it was reported in the town where the court was, rather than the smaller town where I live and where it occurred. iyswim.

Am glad you've now got Witness Care helping you, relieved to hear there is such a system. I know the woman I saw testifying was kept in a side room before testifying so there was no chance of seeing him, and left before him too. The whole court service seemed to be going out of their way to make it easier for her.

I hope that helps?

Hi doing well.
I have good support from family and friends.
Not in the UK and it's taking a long time.
During this time his case got worse.
Last met at divorce hearing, we both in the waiting area and that was scary.
I'm sure I'll have the same issues when/if it goes to court.

Sorry I missed this last month ... but PM me. It is horribly stressful. I've been there.

Snap that is fantastically helpful, thanks. I will definitely go for the screen now I have read your comments. I had no idea sentencing was so long after the trial. It is all painfully long and drawn out isnt it? Do you know what sort of sentence someone with no previous convictions will get?

There are things about the case which I would dearly love to post on here but I just darent in case this thread is spotted by someone who knows me/him. It is to do with the evidence and that I have further information that I can pass on to the CPS. I have told the officer in charge of the case and she said the file was with the CPS so she couldnt add it it at the moment. Witness Care have said the CPS will be in touch much nearer the time so I will just have to be patient. Meanwhile it is easy for me to gather the information they will require. I wish I had more understanding of how a trial works with evidence.

I think it varies about sentencing - depends on what reports need to be done. Someone involved should be able to give you a better idea on that, as with sentencing - I have no idea, but I do know (as I'm having to learn it for an exam!) that they can take all sorts of factors into account in sentencing, not just previous convictions. Pleading guilty at earliest opportunity, for example, would have reduced his sentence....

Hi again. I've got the court visit coming up in a couple of weeks. I've managed to get through this very well in the last few months but since this visit was arranged this week, I've gone into a serious downward spiral. I am dreading having to re live it.

I suppose this happens to all witnesses in any form of traumatic incident. I am hoping it is possible to just go back to it for the day and then get back to a better place again.

I have to keep reminding myself that my last few months would not have been so good if I hadnt gone to the police. God knows what would have happened to me, but I feel a lot of resentment for the fact that the case has taken so long to come to court.

Spring you are doing so well, you are very brave. Try and hold on to 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'? You will be able to cope you have done so far.

I hope all goes well.

Hold on to the thought that you have to tell what happened to ensure he can't do the same to you again.
Or other women, at least any time soon.

Thanks. I have a feeling I'll be back here for support a lot over the coming weeks. Its great to know you are all around.

Hi again. I went for the court visit last week.

People were very kind but I am in deep shock over it. I am lucky in that I have a really good counsellor who is helping me through it but the actual experience of being in the environment was quite overwhelming. They go to huge lengths to segregate the witnesses from everyone else. Two very hot rooms with tea and coffee making facilities, their own loos and even own outside space if you smoke. You can be in there for hours and hours. One young woman spoke to me - she had been there waiting for 4 hours. The tension in the air is so strong....

I was taken into a court and encouraged to stand in a witness box and look around. It was lunch break but everyone apart from the judge/magistrates were still in there - even the defendant sitting behind a glass screen in the dock. . I was told what I must do. Keep looking at the judge (could be a judge or magistrates, they wont know till the day!), dont look at the lawyers when they ask the questions, dont answer anything you arent 100% sure, just say I dont know etc etc etc. I could be in there for 20 mins to 1 hour. I actually felt faint standing there. God knows how I am going to manage.

The best part was that a neighbour came with me. She was great and gave me the best of support. She asked great questions, and just, well, seemed so un phased by it all. She is going to put herself out massively to come on the day. I feel bad about that but she wants to and I cant think that anyone could be better. Even my closest friends.

I'm not sure why I am posting other than to ask you to say keep going! I can so understand why women pull out of this. It is totally daunting. I thought I might faint. I f*cking hate my stbx for putting me through this and if he gets off I dont know how I will cope. The financial settlement fight will now be taking place after this trial. How can I find the strength to stand up to this man who is trying so hard to destroy me?

I haven't anything practically useful I can say, but just wanted to say keep going. Just imagine all the thoughts coming your way on the day from Mumsnetters, surrounding you like a cloud.