Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

To clarify: 21 days to give notice of appeal if convicted/sentenced in a Magistrates' Court, 28 days if convicted/sentenced in a Crown Court.

Given that application to appeal would most probably have been made to the Magistrates' Court where you gave evidence/he was convicted, it would seem somewhat remiss that Witness Care did not inform you earlier of this development.

As I've made my feelings known about the lamentable shortcomings in support of victims of dv and other violent crimes upthread, I shall await the outcome of your next conversation with witness care/victim support with interest.

It's a crying bloody shame, is what it is, Springy

If you have the energy and the time and the arsedness, I'd try to light a fire under some people, with a few well-placed written complaints.

But I dunno if I would have the energy or the time or the arsedness, to be honest. Why should it be your job to reform the entire rotten system?

I most certainly will try and find out if there is any way of complaining, how to to go about it etc. I have spent the last 4 months in counselling "putting it all behind me" when it was clearly no way behind me. I might try and find someone with more time and energy than me to complain on my behalf.

The major problem for me is the actual divorce. I have the 2nd and hopefully (but not hopeful given his Twuntness) final hearing in 2 months time. This is my goal and hoped it would put the f*ucker out of my life for ever. Until the finances are sorted once and for all with hopefully a "clean break" I am effectively paying for half of all his legal costs.

In a further mean twist yesterday I visited my Gp and told him I was well on the way to recovery, could now sleep properly and didnt need any more medication. He said it was lovely to see how I had got my confidence back.

My instinct to preserve myself is to try and forget about this retrial and forge on as though it doesnt exist. To get bogged down in legal facts and "the system" is not going to ultimately do me one ounce of good.

I am having an incredibly bad day today. I'm at home on my own and feel so alone with all this. I feel very sorry for myself but then I did choose to marry the twunt didnt I, so only myself to blame I suppose. Incredibly bad judgement on my part.

Hello, I'm supposed to be working but I've just read through your whole thread.

I am so sorry you have to face a retrial, and that you weren't kept up to speed about the appeal. But look, you did it once, you can do it again. You know what you're going to be asked. You know what you're going to say. It's horrible, emotionally, but it's doable.

The only thing that works with these abusive stalkery fuckers is resilience. Just keep on keeping on. Tape a picture of the Terminator (or Sarah Connor, the tough female character from that film-either works) to the 'fridge and channel it.

For inspiration I've always liked the old Civil rights slogan, 'Keep your eyes on the prize, keep on'. They used to chant it as they walked through the mobs, police dogs, water cannons, you name it.

And you aren't to blame. Being trusting, hopeful and loving is not equivalent to offering yourself up to be abused. He didn't abuse you because you're you, but because he's a shit.

Anyway, don't want to preach. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Please don't blame yourself, Spring. Unfortunately, twunts aren't branded on the forehead for all to see and many do a damn good job of disguising their twuntishness until rings are through noses on fingers or other lasting ties such as dc are made.

The possibility of a subsequent appeal is inherent in every conviction and although this does not mean that you should necessarily have made aware of this at the time he was sentenced, it is remiss of Witness Care to have informed you at such a late date after he applied for leave to appeal.

When you are speaking to Witness Care or the police or to any body/agency that can cast some light on why you've been asked to give dates on which you can be available, ask whether the proposed hearing will be in the appellate court or whether the appellate court, having heard his appeal, have directed that there should be a retrial as this will have some bearing on what you may expect.

As his sentence was derisory not unduly severe, I assume that he's appealing his conviction citing some procedure or process not having been followed or other point of law that wasn't taken into account at trial.

Try not to despair as, having done it once, you know what to expect if it goes to retrial and you can and you will get through it again albeit that prospect may seem daunting given how far you've come since you underwent your own trial by ordeal in the Magistrates Court.

See what you can find out from WC (how appropriate are those initials?) and come back with an update. And start getting angry, honey. What's happened is shameful and you have every right to feel outraged at the lengths the twunt has gone to in order to try clear his record name.

Ok, the lovely WC Officer assigned to me is not at her desk yet. Her direct number goes to an answer phone for someone else and their recorded message says I will be away until 18th October. Efficient arent they??

I finally got to speak to some who first told me he couldnt find any record of the case but once we got past that I have been phoned to say there is going to be an Appeal heard and they were informing me if I have to attend. They cannot tell me on what grounds this appeal is taking place as they dont know. They dont know if he is appealing the sentence or the verdict or both but seeing as it was only a conditional discharge I am presuming verdict.

I have tried to phone the Officer originally in charge of the case. I have a feeling she is now doing a different job so it remains to be seen if she rings me back. She certainly hasnt responded to my email from Friday and if she was away I used to get an automated email straight back saying when she would next be back at her desk.

Not sure whether I said it up thread but on the day of the assault my daughter phoned him and he admitted he had done it. This was of course before he was arrested. She says she is prepared to come and give evidence but would they take this as evidence? I do wish I knew what went on a the trial now. Back in 2008 he assaulted me and I had a huge bruise which I went to the Dr with and it was measured etc. I told the police about this but I am not sure if this was ever used in court. I also dont know what witnesses were called either.

Feeling better today especially as a result of the two lovely posts I read above this morning. Thanks. Oh and I am getting angry Izzy as I have now wasted quite a lot of the morning trying to phone these people instead of getting on with my plans for my day off.

Great quote about fight on. I will do it, if not for me personally than for all the women who are going to come after me along this torturous path.

[rushes in and gives huge hugs]

[rushes back to work]

Keep on, Spring - Keep on!

Thanks Eldritch for my new slogan, and thanks for the hugs Blackcurrants.

I've finally spoken to "my" WC Officer. She is going to "try" and find out what are the grounds for the appeal.

I've also spoken at length to two people who give me great support including a relative who has professional experience very relevant to making a complaint so I am going to leave that up to them to do on my behalf so I dont have to put my energy into it.

As a result of this latest blow I've been able to see how far I have come in the past year just talking about the situation today. Battle hardened you might say.

I have no interest in understanding Twunt. It is part of the continued abuse process isnt it to try and keep having a dig at the wounds you've caused? I'm not giving him this power over me. I bet I said this up thread but every incident brings the sinking feeling on but it takes me less time to recover. One thing I know is that every day brings us closer to financial settlement however much he delays and then I will be free forever.

Thanks again for being there with your posts. Its so different from RL friends. A very different type of support and it does wonders for my confidence to move forward with strength.

I have no interest in understanding Twunt.

Oh, goody. I'm glad you've said that. Ultimately, it doesn't matter why he's a twat, only that he is one. Deny him headspace. It's OW's problem now, the lucky old thing.

And he can delay your freedom (to an ever decreasing extent) but he can't prevent it.

Damn right!

Just let you know that I have had some really good professional advice recently and it has helped enormously. I've been told that most Appeals of this type that suceed because the witnesses fail to turn up because no one has informed them that the Appeal is taking place and they find out afterwards. Dear god. What a system and what a waste of tax payers money. I'v been advised to keep in touch with WC just in case they fail to inform me and that it is likely to be soon.

I'm only going to counselling fortnightly now - didnt need it anymore regularly! - so cant wait for me session in the next few days.

I am busy the next few weekends so that is nicely distracting.

Dear god! Well done you for finding this out and I hope counselling is fantastic!

When this is all over I do hope that I can find some way of making things better for those that come after me. Surely there should be at least some kind of booklet that could be handed out by the police once statements have been made that brings you from what happens next to what happens nearly a year down the line when an appeal is made! I have been told I should have requested the CPS solicitor at the original trial to request a restraining order. Its almost impossible to know this sort of stuff, although it shouldnt be up to the witness to know and ask for that should it?

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that everyone is being so crap.

Also bear in mind that if WC are not being helpful you can always ring the relevant court directly to find out when a case is listed for. The court staff won't know very far in advance, but they should know within a few days that it is imminent. If anyone gives you hassle, ask for a copy of the Court Users Charter (or find it online and quote it). They don't like to get complaints under that, they get aggro from above.

Thanks Eldritch, thats good to know. I put my phone on silent when I go for my counselling session. When I came out and looked at it I had a missed call from WC. It was too late to ring so its going to be a stressed night for me wondering what they have to say.

Just reviving this as this Appeal takes place next week just after everyone goes back to work after the holidays. I dont feel I can talk about this in RL at the moment. Who wants to know about abusive twunts at Christmas?

The week before Christmas I had to go to Court to face him for a divorce hearing - 2nd hearing/FDR. As you can imagine it wasnt settled. This was due to him introducing new " information" supposedly gleaned because of a letter sent to his office by a "before" 9am recorded delivery letter that morning which was meant to be a co-incidence. Yeah right! This all means that we are now due to have a repeat FDR in 6 months time!!

Any supportive words would be hugely helpful. Its like a bad dream. I have tried to put it out of my head but having been away for Christmas and now home its hit me hard this morning. Someone sarcastically said is he a frustrated lawyer as he seems to be getting a kick out of these Court occasions? I am fed up of it and tempted not to go next week to not feed this behaviour.

Hugs.

I have a court date next month and I expect theatricals too, if he shows up.

The "reconciliation" attempt last year (!) was a bit like that, with him playing the saint, me listening calmly, then telling in the end how the very day before he had knocked me to the floor twice because I refused to get back together.
And guess what, there was an independent witness. Ah! Him saying nothing happened and me just saying there was a witness.

Quite funny, really.

Anyway, wishing you luck for next time. And strength.

Oh, Lueji sorry you are going to have to go through this Court farce too.

Thanks for the hugs. Thought I was pretty much in control but with the two dates within a couple of weeks of each other its strength sapping stuff. Do you think there is any upside to any of this?

Something happened recently that made me wonder if Twunt is on the verge of a breakdown. I live in hope!

I've just re read what Eldrich said above. Think I am going to keep reading those words...........inspiring stuff.