Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

Hi, just wanted to say hold steadfast, keep your chin up and try not to be intimidated.
I went through very similar a few years ago with XH.
Common assault charge, magistrates court. Again the court staff were very good at putting me at my ease. The trial itself was a bit shambolic on the prosecution side because they had changed the lawyer at the last minute and she hadn't had any time to prepare. He had a well prepared solicitor.
But justice prevailed and he was found guilty on the evidence. Sentencing was a few weeks later.
I wish you all the best and in a few years you will look back on it and it will be far from you. x

Thanks Patty the support really does help!

Citronella I cant believe I've finally found someone who has been through it! Could you tell me what it was like to be questioned by his solicitor? Did you have the screens?

I have been told I should be able to leave as soon as I have given evidence. Did you do that? Sorry to ask so many questions.

How are you doing, Spring? I have no constructive advice to offer, I'm afraid, but did want to say KEEP GOING! You're doing so well, it must be incredibly scary, but he needs to have consequences for what he's done.

Thinking of you xx

I've only just seen this Dharma but thanks. I'n doing well. It is so very tempting to not go to the court on the day but I know thats not an option really, just a fantasty. I'm trying to put it out of my mind for now. The keep going messages really help.

I dont want to say exactly when it is in case it outs me but this trial is very very close.
Things have been very busy for me recently and I have tried to keep extra busy so as to not dwell. The trouble is I am now very tired but when I stop it feels like everything is falling apart.
The divorce is no further on than it was weeks ago. Stbx is still controlling things there.
I've stopped today........and feel terrible. I dont know why I posting really but I could really really do with some words of support.

Thinking of you. Hope it goes okay at court.

Hi Spring. I've only just found your thread and I'd like to add my support; you're doing better than you think!

I went through a similar experience 21 years ago. The initial 3 charges were reduced to two by the CPS. I initially gave evidence in the magistrates court for them to decide what was going to happen. XP pleaded not guilty and opted to go to Crown court. One date was set that I wasn't told about. Everyone else turned up including my DV officer. His solicitor stood up and told the judge I wasn't there because I didn't wish to proceed and that we were getting back together! DV officer was behind solicitor waving frantically at judge and shaking her head. Luckily judge noticed and set a new date. 8 months from original arrest he was found guilty of section 39 assault and cleared of the other charge.
He got a £75 fine plus £50 costs

Would I do it again? Without question. You have to stand up to bullies.

I've left out some details (I would hate DD to know all the gory details if she looked on here) but you can PM me if you want to.

I've just read the whole of this thread and I wanted to wish you lots of love and best wishes for the coming few days/weeks.

Stay strong OP, good things come to those who wait!

You can do this spring

Soon, this too shall pass. You are brave, strong, good and deserve to have a happy life after this twunt. And you will.

Love and support from me too x

I suppose that would equate to a £750 fine in todays money marriednotdead. I Will PM you as totally understand re DC's feelings. I had to do a Victim Personal Statement last week and had to jump through hoops to get it done when DC not here and the police didnt see to understand that at all. I've also finally found myself a job and the last thing I want to do is tell them what is going on. I want a fresh start not be asking for time off to do something like that.

Thanks so much for the messages of support. It means a lot now and it will mean a lot when standing in the witness box I am certain.

Imagine all of MN standing behind you in the witness box, cheering you on.

Because we are.

Sending a hug.

Take time off for yourself and take stock. Then you'll feel stronger to face whatever is coming.
One day at a time also works for these things. :)

Still all on hold around here too. The last I heard from court was to ask me which days I had hospital treatment. It's in the bloody statements!
And what time is he likely to come to the country. I don't know! I let them know last time he was here. Even called the police on an incident. Did anyone bother?
The judicial system is a pain! :)

Fingers crossed for you on the witness stand.

Sending you strength,you can do this!

Lueji you have my sympathies. I can understand how that would happen - no one knows what anyone else is doing half the time. Its often felt like I am trying to do their job for them.

I've just read this thread and am so glad you have stuck with this. I can see why someone might cave in, especially because of the timescale.

One thing - you need to call him your ex. He's not your STBX. He is no longer your partner.

Can I just ask you something? You say he's denying this (and yes, from what you've said of his personality, then I can see he would.) In court will it be your word against his? Did you sustain injuries and did you call the police at the time? Please believe me - I'm entirely on your side. I just wonder how on earth he could say he was not guilty. Or is that just a default position?

And you said he could be seen by magistrates or by a judge? Is it going to be in the Crown Court or the Magistrates' Court?

I wish we could all be there to stand behind you and cheer you on. And to set dogs on your ex, too.

I'm sure you'll do fine.

Don't get your hopes up, though.

A few years ago I was in an attempted murder jury and felt that the crown did a terrible job. I think they were either too confident, or not at all, in the evidence and it ended in not guilty.

The victim and her friends were there and were in shock.

But I hope the outcome is good enough to get him off your back for good.

Imperial when I went on the court visit the Witness Service person said it is sometimes 3 Magistrates and sometimes one District Judge but it is in the Magistrates Court. I wont know till the day which I get. Its a random allocation but I dont imagine it makes much difference other than they said the Magistrates can be slower as they have to be given advice on the law. This makes me not get my hopes up.

With regard to the stbx thing, I have my Decree Nisi but not Absolute so I am regarding it as stb. I have been told off twice for calling him my Ex husband. "You do realise you are not divorced yet" ." Of course I f*ckng do", I feel like replying, "suggestions for name that can be said in front of children and those of a delicate disposition gratefully received."

Sorry I cant tell you the background just in case someone reads this who knows but afterwards I will tell you why the CPS are prosecuting other than they believe they have a chance of a conviction. I expect yo dou know how it works but none of this is up to me. I made a statement of what happened back late last year and after that it has been completely out of my hands/control. I am just a witness for the Police.

Who told you off for calling him your ex husband and why did you take any notice of them?

I hope it all goes well for you. He sounds awful and I'm so glad he'll have to face up to what he's done.

I dont know Blether, its been annoying me ever since I wrote it, trying to remember! I would be interested in their motivation for being so parental with me!
I try not to say his name as it helps with the distancing but I am not silly about it. I found myself recalling a family holiday from when the children were small yesterday and I just spoke completely naturally about it. That seemed easy. He was a different person then.
It is bit awkward with strangers. Do you say nearly divorced and face questioning or lie?

No, just say "We're divorcing" and leave it at that. Otherwise, if you don't want to go into detail, say Ex.

I find my children like me telling them stories about the past. All children like hearing how their parents met etc. Just don't temper any stories with "If only I'd known what a bastard he'd turn out to be..." etc! Just tell the story and leave it at that, changing the subject if necessary.

Spring another who has been through the exact same and here for support. i have to see my ex twunt tomorrow at seperate proceeding for child contact. am 3 years down the line, and i would do it again even though my ex was found not guilty. i needed to do it, i have a son and daughter and 6&4 and i want them to get the message that it ISNT acceptable and i'd done everything in my power to show them not to be afraid to stand up for what is right. i am happy to talk to you off-board/privately as i've probably already said more than enough to be outed if one of his spies were about

I will PM you Someday. Thanks. The very best of luck tomorrow.

Thats a good tip Blether thanks.

Hell, I cant sleep and I have a new job. Poor combination of events but getting the job did give me a huge boost to my self confidence so I will just have to accept running on adrenaline only for the next while.

Today Witness Care sent me a text to remind me to go to Court. . Speechless myself but everyone I have told has laughed which has cheered me up a bit.

Hi Spring....just found your thread.

I went through a very similar although not identical experience. Emotionally abusive/alcohol dependant husband was charged with an offence against me (I don't want to say exactly what he did). The police didn't offer him a caution though.

There was so much evidence that he initially pleaded guilty. That being the case, I didn't have to go to court (my police and victim impact statements were enough) because it was supposed to be for sentencing.

He tried to change his plea (at the sentencing) to not guilty, so the whole thing was adjourned for six weeks. The court had never had that happen before. They neither allowed or rejected the change in plea, it had to be referred to a higher court for a decision. In the intervening time he had been speaking to my witnesses (allowed), which meant I would no longer be allowed to call them in court if I needed to - it would be my word against his.

His solicitor refused to represent him anymore for pulling the stunt with his plea. It was an incredibly stressful time. On the day it went back to court, they refused his request to change his plea and sentenced him on the spot. 3 months suspended for 18 months + a restraining order.

I found the Domestic Abuse Unit (attached to the police force who dealt with my case) to be amazingly supportive.

I think the exs do this to try and keep some kind of 'control'. You sound like an incredibly strong and brave person - I hope it goes well for you....:-)