Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

hello spring

For your ex to have accepted a caution he would have had to fully admit the charge - so he is wanting his day in court. Although stressful for you, if the police have enough evidence to charge him, i would hope that decision might come back and bite him on the arse, heres hoping.

As izzy has said, if he has been charged with a section 39 (or common assault) he will go to magistrates court.

One thing we can do as police, is submit a form that asks for 'special measures' to be put into place - this means that if you really do not want to face him, there are several things that can be done to make giving evidence easier for you, why dont you give the officer who is dealing with your case a call and ask him or her to go through what will happen next and ask about 'special measures'- just tell them that you really dont think you can face him in court. All the officer in the case would need to do is submit a form with the file when he is processed to court.

Again, like izzy, it would help to know exactly what he was charged with, the most common charge for the police is a section 47 assault.

If i were you i would do the following:

phone the officer in the case and get them to talk you through what happens next and ask regarding 'special measures'

phone womens aid for their advice/support

If you have not already, get in touch with Victim Support. The officer in the case should be able to put you in touch with them.

I understand that you feel abandoned, but like your police officer friend has told you, its just a waiting game. If the evidence is strong enough his solicitor may well tell him to just plead anyway. He has upted the ante

He is really quite an idiot to have not accepted the caution. Although an official police caution goes on record, it is not classed as a criminal conviction, although it would show on any CRB checks etc. It would also be his first step on the ladder to getting a conviction if he does anything again.

Try to get on with your life as best you can until you hear what is happening - once the file is submitted by the officer, they will not hear anything back until the process is finished, so try not to get frustrated if you dont hear what is happening from the police. This is where you really need someone from Victim Support or the Witness care team to help you.

hi, OP, I have no experience of the legal process, but I just wanted to sympathise with your feeling of powerlessness

you have done the right thing, which is so very often the hardest thing

I guess when the legal officials are dealing with this stuff on a daily basis, it becomes less about the personal, and more about the process

which is a shame, but just how it is I suppose (although I bet the majority of them would be very understanding if you voiced your distress and confusion)

are you getting any emotional support from elsewhere? Friends, family, work colleagues ?

You can get support from the most unlikely of places if you open up a bit

Thanks everyone. I will phone the police tomorrow and get exact details of the charge. I will also call Womens Aid. I think I would really benefit from a support group as well as their advice so thats all great information.

I agree AnyFucker about getting support from unlikely places. Its been a huge source of strength for me that people who I dont know that well or have just met have been amazing and really stepped up for me. I've had one friend totally fall by the way side but I understand that is to be expected.

A shitty email arrived this evening from stbx. I've just forward it to my solicitor and I am going to have a soak in the bath later and try and chill out a bit and forget it. I'm going to have to toughen up because we are only starting the financial part of the divorce process and I cant be having an adrenalin rush reaction every time this sort of thing happens. Not good for the health.

You are right. love

I have a feeling things are going to be very, very shitty for quite some time

It's what abusers do...make your life shit

There is an end to this somewhere though, whereas if you had stayed with him, the nightmare would never reach a conclusion (or a much, much worse one)

Given that you will be a witness for the prosecution should he plead not guilty to the charge, it would seem to me that he should have been told to refrain from making any contact whatsoever with you until such time as an outcome is known.

Instruct your solicitor to inform him that, under the circumstances, anything he wishes to impart to you should be communicated to her first - and then block him from your email account.

I decided to email to the police and got a response almost immediately "section 39 assault by beating".

I will ask my solicitor about the communication issue tomorrow.

The thing is AnyFucker he left me for OW but instead of being happy with his new life he seems to spend most of his energy trying to get one over on me. He cant bear the fact the he is not in control of the situation he finds himself in. He was emotionally and physically abusive before he left though. I thought he was ill or depressed or something. I thought at one point he might have a brain tumour. I even tried to end the relationship and asked him to leave and he wasnt having any of it. He could have gone before I found out about the affair and made life a lot easier for himself. I'm over all that now though. I really really really just want to move on with my life as I am in so many ways so much happier as is my DC who is still at home.

You sound like you will get there. You will go from strength to strength when you are able to put all this behind you.

Stay strong and get this over with. He needs to know you will not stand for him trying to keep the control ramped up.

The stronger you get...the more it takes his power away. Because he never had it in the first place, it was all an illusion.

Be prepared for him to really "fall apart" in the next few months.

But that is his problem, not yours.

Yes, I've anticipated that. I understand him too well and I also know exactly where its coming from. He has had every opportunity over the course our marriage to let me support him in dealing with it but he has not had the courage to face up to it . Now it is not my problem and never will be again.

As it's a Section 39 offence the case will be summarily tried in the Magistrates Courts.

Depending on the Magistrates' lists, it could be heard considerably earlier than 6 months time.

It's good news, spring. He can't ask for trial by jury in the Crown Court and he may well find, as Vicar has intimated, that he has cause to rue not accepting a caution when he was given the option.

It's fair to say that some particularly arrogant men think they know best and can never be told even by their legal advisers

Make sure your solicitor makes it clear to him that all/any communications should be directed through her.

In the event that he 'falls apart' in the next few months, there's no reason why he should be able to tell you about it.

If you have any concern that ending direct communication may cause him to turn up on your doorstep, talk to your solicitor or Women's Aid about applying for a non-molestation Order.

If you haven't done so already, it would be politic to let your local police station know your situation and that you intend to give evidence for the prosecution if he pleads not guilty.

Oh yes, watch the "falling apart" from a very safe distance

Thank you everyone for your support today. This morning I felt worse than I have ever felt in my life and now I am off to bed feeling so much more positive, informed and supported. You're all great

you know where we are x

Brilliant OP. Have a good night's sleep.

Spring, get back in touch with the police and find out if any bail conditions were made, such as not to contact witnesses. If that condition was made then please inform the police that he had breached his bail and forward the emails to the officer in charge of your case.

ljgibbs I know the answer to this and he is allowed to contact me about matters relating to the divorce. He also allowed at two properties we own jointly. He has so far kept away since the first arrest. If this changes I am aware of the non molestation order possibilities.
The email last night was completely out of order though even though it was divorce related. it was aggressive in tone and demanding of immediate action. I cant say the contents on here as it definitely would out me but he was trying to get me to do something that I am certain is not in my best interests. It is already with my solicitor and I am very interested in what her response is going to be. If he carries on with this kind of shit it is only going to be to my advantage with courts regarding my settlement so one way of dealing with it is to say keep 'em coming! Much stronger this morning.

Glad to hear that you're feeling stronger today.

Don't worry about going to court, during a magistrates court trial usually in court there will be:
3 magistrates,
a court clerk who sits in front of the mags.
There used to be a stenographer, who took notes of what was said, but they may have done away with them depending on your court.
A CPS solicitor (nearest the witness box, where you will be).
A defence solicitor sits on the same bench as the prosecution but furthest way from you and near the dock.
The dock where your stbx will sit along with a guard.
The court usher, who will lead you through taking the oath.
There may also be someone in the press box and someone in the probation box (although they are normally only there for sentencing or at the end of a trial).
An of course there is the public gallery.

If you feel nervous go along to your magistrates court and sit in the public gallery to see what happens during a normal court sitting. Sometimes it can be very interesting others rather boring.

HTH

I may go along and take a friend and just get a feel for it. Thanks.
Still feeling stronger.

Aha... somewhat less straightforward as there is property (plural) and no doubt other monies to be divvied up.

At the time he was charged, the police would most probably have told him not to contact you and I'm guessing that he protested 'ongoing divorce proceedings necessitate communication blah blah' and the police caved in specified that he could continue to make contact with you as long as he makes no mention of the incident.

As he can't verbally direct the self-righteous indignation angst he feels at being charged to you, he'll transfer it to the matters he is allowed to communicate with you about.

Receiving a considerably delayed, or no response, to his emails will crank him up even more and the content of his missives will become increasingly vitriolic aggressive thus providing you with valuable fodder to submit to the divorce court.

I rescind my previous advice - don't ask your solicitor to tell him that his communications must be directed to her as, in this case, it's in your best interests to adopt a 'keep it coming' approach.

I suggest that you wait until you're in a particularly chilled mood before you open any of his emails or letters. I'm having to adopt this approach to my latest gas and electricity bills, which will remain unopened until I can't get into a frame of mind where my blood presssure will remain stable when I see the extortionate amount that a greedy grasping power company has had the audacity to charge for a basic necessity of life in a northern clime

until I can get into a frame of mind...etc.

Freudian slip? If it's going to be that difficult may I should consider having a few before I open the envelope.

Izzy, I have already done it re the solicitor unfortunately and that has made him very angry but I am sure he is going to ignore me and carry on writing. Wish I could show them to you - teeming with spite. I could feel his power diminishing as I repeated for a third time that I wasnt going to enter into any discussions with him. He wanted me to get into an email row with him which I so easily could have done but I just didnt go there and never will because that is exactly what he wants.

I'm going to look at my phone and see if there is a way of blocking emails and then can restrict reading his to when I am on my computer. I even file his straight away as cant stand to see his name listed in my read mail.

Might start calling him Voldemort not stbx. How many horcrux were there?

My scar is throbbing a bit so off to chill out a bit.

ps I do that with bills. Particularly easy with online ones needing passwords etc.

You sound great, spring, keep it up

Post here when you need a boost x

Will do. Thanks all, its Friday night so x

I will join you in a

Just a small one, for medicinal purposes