first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

Oh, J4J what you are telling doesn't bide well.

I agree with what the others have said.
His parents are giving you a hard time.
He is giving you a hard time.
And you were the victim.

Would you give a mugger the time of day?

I can only think of one reason to go to relate and that's to tell the counsellor what he did. Then let him go alone after that.

I know from experience that it's difficult to let go, particularly when you have invested so long and have children.
But for your sake and the children's (don't forget what they saw), you do need to let go of this man.

Please take a look at the advice and suggestions I made to you via waterlego on page 28.

Have you made contact with your useless CAB solicitor?

When will your application for an occupation order be made/heard?

Have you received feedback from your domestic violence counsellor following last week' MARAC meeting?

Have you approached your dcs' Headteachers or their GP with a view to obtaining appropriate therapy for them?

You should be aware that no reputable marriage guidance or other counsellors will engage in joint couples counselling where one party has inflicted violence on the other and I would suggest that you appraise Relate of the facts of the matter if you are still misguidedly giving consideraton to seeking assistance from that organisation.

The stark reality is that your h inflicted serious violence on you in front of your dc and he needs to attend a domestic violence perpetrators programme before any consideration can be given as to whether your marriage is worth the cost of the licence.

I am extremely concerned at what appears to be the failure of certain authorities and agencies' to put appropriate measures into place to support and protect you and your dc.

Unfortunately, IME this is not at all uncommon and, until you encounter a professional or experienced dv worker who knows their arse from their elbow is capable of doing the job they are paid to do in a responsive and sensitive manner, you are going to have dig deep into your inner resources and start taking certain inviduals to task to get the help you so urgently need.

As it would seem that waterlego does not have time to advocate for you, do you have anyone else in rl that you could entrust with the task of raising hell making calls on your behalf if you do not feel able to speak up and out for yourself at the moment?

J4J
You have tried so hard to set boundaries about the future relationships with all family.

Everyone is ignoring your boundaries. You need to enforce them and feel that you a) have the right to and b) can.

The evidence is that your H and his family will not back down and will not change their stance. Nothing will make them review their behaviour - they will persist in doing what they want until they have worn you down and you just accept it. Please don't.

Your marriage is over. It's obvious that he is expecting you to do all the running. This is a process of setting out the future status quo.... it goes like this;
His behaviour is unacceptable in the extreme.
He makes token gestures at acknowledging this but when you don't welcome him back with open arms he doesn't respond positively to show he means his gestures
You then try and offer a compromise or a way back
He cold shoulders you and gets family and GP on his side to isolate you
You try and oblige with his expectation of counselling
He doesn't attend
You set rules about MiL notcoming to your house
She does anyway and you feel bad for shutting the door in her face....but you get the vouchers anyway.

Can you see it's a power struggle? They intend to win. This would be ok (ish) if it resolved around a disagreement about who hosted Christmas this year... It doesn't. It involves a man punching you unconscious in front of the children.

Tolerate this and........ well you've accepted it? There is nothing to stop it in future.

I know you are looking for a way back but the only way back on offer is one where he has bullied you into accepting his behaviour.

You need to accept that there is no happy marriage to return to. Organise all the things you need to make yourself safe.

Don't skip the occupation order or the solicitor....your H and family will leap on any chink in your armour and force the situation. Imagine if he returned home and took no refusal. It's time for you to feel some control

j4j you are still talking about your "relationship" as tho it is is ongoing -this just isnt possible when he has knocked you unconscious. and everythin else that you normalised....

"Good to see where our relationship is in his list of priorites! I wonder whether I will ever see a softer man or is there no love left anymore. i think i should try and focus on other things and try and think of him as little as possible for the moment."

cut him out of your thoughts.
banish him to a small place as a tiny specimen up on a high mantlepiece.

he hurt you but he wont do so again if you cut him out. do not entertain the idea he can be fxed. if he decides to recognize his actions take repsonsibility an change - wll then ni six months or 12 you can review. but righ now he shows no signs of this.

yes dc may wish to see him - safe contact public places like parties is the way to go.

I could be wrong but I think the Occupational order is now in place. Despite this, J's H and his mother went into the house on the day of the party, without J's permission and when she wasn't there

J, As I think I mentioned, I am on a training course this week, leaving the house at 7am and back in the evenings but I am around on Saturday and next week. xxxx

Please ask J to confirm on this thread that she is in possession of an occupation order and whether she also has a non-molestation order against her h.

If either of these orders are in place, please advise J to change her all/any entry doorlocks as a matter of urgency.

I well remember wanting to keep things 'sweet' and not provoke 'trouble'. I discussed how we did this and we reached agreement to lots of things. But then he did what he wanted anyway.

The only thing which stopped the behaviour was to call the police when he turned up unannounced and refused to leave. It was horrific and my youngest cried and cried as they arrived and he was persuaded to leave.

I know it was the right thing to do despite being such an awful experience. It gave him the clearest message that I was not going to be bullied.

J and his stupid interfering mother need a short sharp shock tbh

waterlego that is absolutely shocking - can anyone on this thread confirm what action J4J can take against her H and his mum for coming into the home if she does have the occuptation order in place?

I feel SO ANGRY on J4J's behalf that her H and his family literally think they can get away with absolutely anything and no-one will hold them to account. I'm absolutely raging for her.

J can do nothing after the event which is why I have advised her to change her entry door locks asap.

A Occupation Order will give J the right to determine who is allowed to live in her home; if other keyholders enter the premises when she is absent she will need a specific Order such as non-molestation order which will prohibit those named thereon from coming within a proscribed distance of her home - but that won't necessarily prevent a determined keyholder from entering her home in her absence and/or without her knowledge.

Then I totally second your idea to change the locs as soon as humanly possible, izzy.

J needs to be able to feel that the home she and her children live in is a private and safe space. How can she possibly move forward knowing that he can just stroll on in whenever he wants?

The whole thought chills me to the bone.

locks even!

The extreme violence that J's h inflicted on her in front of her dc and the subsequent failure of the police and other agencies to protect and support her, have chilled me to the bone too, NoWay.

I can only hope that J confirms that she is in, at very long last, in possession of both an occupation and a non-molestation Order later today.

my exdp carried on treating me this way after i left him too. he wouldnt leave the house after he dropped dd off and threatened to smash my windows. after years of violence and no consquences, i had, had enough and called the police. he never did it again.

Hey J4J

Been thinking about you a lot recently, especially over Mother's Day. How are you? How are things going?

I'm not sure whether J is still reading. There's lots I could say about the situation but I can't say any of it because someone involved has been reading this thread. Maybe one of them, maybe all of them and I have been personally threatened, through the grapevine. Someone's apparently 'got it in for waterlego', for supporting my friend, I guess. (If you're reading this, you don't scare me, btw). Suffice to say, neither J nor I can safely post about the situation here any longer.

keep all texts emails etc and inform solicitor/police

I think he's a rat.
I think he has manipulated your parents and his own family, into seeing him as a victim, thus ensuring he cuts off your support and benefits from it himself.
I think the way he has conducted himself since he attacked you, is every bit as abusive as the punch to the face.
I do not believe this man will change. He has all but lost you owing to his highly unreasonable behaviour, but he continues to behave badly. He isn't sorry. He doesn't think it's him. He has convinced your parents that he's not really a bad guy, and now he feels confident enough to ignore you, as though you are the perpetrator.
Couples counselling is a bad idea - this is not a mutual problem...and that's what couples counselling deals with.
This is his problem. I don't think he'll ever truly own it. He might say the words...but as I say, his conduct since the punch to the face clearly demonstrates what he really thinks.

Judge people not by what they say, but by what they do.

I think to return to the marriage would be a big mistake for you OP. I really do.
The very best of luck to you anyway. You are being very strong and one day you'll be really proud of asserting yourself the way you have, and not putting up with shit treatment. xx

That's awful. FUCK YOU to whoever is threatening waterlego, if you're still reading this. A man punches his wife unconscious in front of their young children, so that their little daughter thought he had murdered her, and you are sticking up for him? You are sick twisted scum. There is no WAY you can justify that.

That is horrible, but unfortunately not surprising. :(

I totally agree with cestlavielife

Threats are a police matter.

So desperately sorry to read that, waterlego - however, like lueji, I'm not at all surprised that he's managed to find a way to cut her off from this as well.

And as others said - anyone who threatens waterlego is as bad as J4J's H. All rotten to the core. Please keep record of the threats and inform the police - they will be able to act based on his previous form for knocking his wife unconscious. Do everything to expose his behaviour to NORMAL people who will completely understand how despicable and unforgivable his actions then and now are.

Stay strong J4J and waterlego.

These lowlifes are showing their true colours now and will get caught out. Keep the evidence and use it.

Sorry you are both going through this now! Your H is showing his true colours.

Can't be bothered to go to counselling because the car is more important.

Can't be bothered to look at himself and his behaviour in order to repair his marriage.

Issues threats to get J4J back in her box where she belongs in his opinion.

I hope you can come back and post.

Anyone who can read this thread and then use it that to threaten people are scum.

Xale's has the right of it.

My dh has read this thread, and he thinks the h is a coward, whose behaviour, from the punch, to staying with J's parents, to the continued violence threatened, is inexcusable. He thinks the sooner the guy's put in jail the better the world will be for those who are actually human (that's a direct quote btw). He thinks J's parents are culpable too. Put the lot on a raft in the middle of the Pacific, he said, No one'll miss them.

This a man of dubious breeding who allegedly went to a, no doubt minor, public school but failed to attain the principled moral standards one would expect from an ex-public schoolboy.

In fact, his prediliction for inflicting violence on his wife and children is more despicable than that of the most feckless illiterate wife-beating lout from a sink estate who at least can claim to know no better.

Although considerable sums were squandered spent in the hope that this poor facsimile of a gentleman would know better, it would seem that he did not pay attention when he was told to plus ratio quam vis.

All one can say to him is 'play up, and play the game you nauseating, smug, self-entitled, abusive and violent cunt Sir, and have the decency to go fuck yourself live as a penitent until you are genuinely remorseful and prepared to make amends for the regime of fear and violence that you inflicted on your wife and small children'.

No matter their pretensions, in common parlance all bullies are scum waterlego, and I would suggest that if any attempt is made to intimidate yourself or J, you report the lowlife to your nearest constabulary.

izzy have a standing ovation.

Abusers - read that ^ again and again

Waterlego, don't hesitate report this behaviour and get it on the record.