first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

I agree with wannabe

He really didn't give a fuck did he? You little daughter aged four thought you were dead, and he didn't give a fuck. In fact, he accused YOU of overreacting!!!

Someone that has behaved like this is now an unknown quantity. He might be capable of anything. Next time he might well break your nose...or kill you.

Get him to fuck out.

Seriously?!

Of course he has to leave. Do you want there to be a second time? Because if he stays there will be.

I cannot believe that you are considering keeping this man. Not only did he knock you out, he did so in front of your children

Don't wait till he hurts your children too. They will already be scarred for life for seeing what they saw. Don't let them see more.

I was 18 when we left and I went through a pretty crappy time after that. I still have awful nightmares now (I'm 32). Please don't put yourself and your children at risk. If he won't go, then take your children and leave. Go to your dad's. What if you hadn't regained consciousness.?

The fact he did this, especially with it been in front of your kids.... You need to send him packing. You can't have someone that can not control his anger or himself around your children.

Thinking about it further in relation to what happened to me-why in god's name did the police release him with a caution? I was hit violently on the head too, but I wasn't knocked out. The police kept my partner in for a whole day and yes, released him, but not with a caution. He then went before the court.

It's only by good luck that that punch didn't kill you. He should be up before the beak right away. Have you given a statement?

Come back op and tell us you're ok.

He knocked you out? Like others have said, he could've easily killed you - this isn't like tv where people just wake up from being ko'd and they're fine - a blow like that could've been fatal, could've left you brain-damaged.

You need to stay apart. You need to put your safety and your children's first. You may think they're safe from him physically, but the damage he did to them by making them think he'd killed you? Don't downplay this, don't try to forget it. The genie is out of the bottle.

OP - try and think of it this way. Your beloved family dog has been a part of your life for the best part of a decade. You take him everywhere. you all spoil him and treat him very well. You love him.

You are sitting wtching tv one day and unprovoked the dog leaps up and Snarls then bites one of your children. He has drawn blood and only stopped because yu pulled him off.

Would you remove the dog from your home immediately or give him the benefit of the doubt? Would you risk your children being around an animal that could turn so aggressive so quickly?

Sometimes trying to look at a situation from a different angle lets you see it more clearly.

Adding my voice to ALL the others.

Get him out of your home, and out of your life.

This man is very, very dangerous.

The damage has already been done to your children, they have been traumatised and he did not care, and then did the classic abuser trick of blaming you! Good God, he needs locking up IMHO.

This is terrible...and you know it. I know it's hard, but he cannot stay in your home, he just can't. You poor love, I am so sorry.

If this was really out of the blue and he has never even hinted at being violent/aggressive before, I would insist he gets himself to the doctors to check there isn't something terribly wrong with him .... it is just too weird for him to suddenly just punch you in the face out of nowhere.

In the meantime, I wouldn't have him in the house with me, no way, if he can do that to you in front of the children without even a backward glance, its chilling, and I just wouldn't be able to relax in his company.

And if he can do that to you, he could do it to one of your children.

You can NOT allow that possibility.

He absolutely needs to leave, immediately. He could have killed you, and could do if he ever gets a chance to do this again - or could harm the children.

I know it must be very hard when he has never done anything like this before. But just think how you would react if someone else had done this. You would want them in prison... not living in your house. If he can do this out of the blue - and not even show any shock or remorse - he is clearly a very dangerous man and there's no telling what else he is capable of.

My granny gave me a letter on Sunday that she kept that I wrote to her when I was 7. (am 43 now)

It's a sweet letter about me looking forward to seeing her soon. DH and DC's were fascinated to see it. I felt physically sick and would have torn it to pieces had I been alone.

When I was 7 I had listened to my mum getting beaten up for as long as I could remember. I used to have panic attacks thinking she would be dead when I got home from school. I still have ishoos to this day.

I wish to God she'd left him the first time, maybe I wouldn't still be suffering the effects now. She went when I was 9 and it was the happiest day in my life up till then.

If you let him stay you give the message that what he did is okay, this will not be the only time. But it is the first.

A man that crosses that line is not worth staying with.

For yourself and your children you need to make him leave, if he stays part of you will die.

I doubt he suddenly changed.
I would imagine that if the OP comes back and posts some more, we will hear a list of controlling behaviours, and possibly verbal, emotional,and other abuse too.

It becomes so normal, you don't even realise it's happening.

But this cannot be normalised.

He needs to be out of the house. If part of you is clinging on to the man he was to you before this happened, remember the fear of your 4 year old DD who thought her mummy was dead. Social services consider witnessing DV to be abusive for a reason.

Once he's out of the house if he chooses to get therapy/anger management classes etc that is his choice. It is not something to use as a bargaining chip - 'Look, I've changed, let me move back in.' It's something that he needs to want to do for himself after doing what he did .

This is out of character for my husband
Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger

If I'd asked you a week ago if he'd do something like this what would you have said? And yet he did it.

If he truly is 'a good man' he won't want to be back in that house with you knowing that he punched you, knocked you unconscious and terrified your children. He would want to get help and stay away until he can control himself and not risk hurting those he loves.

I had a drunken call from my parents the other night and listened to my father beat my mother about the head, I couldn't do a thing.

You have been assaulted. I agree with the others, get him out of the house for the time being, protect yourself and the kids, and let him work out why he did it later on. There are no possible grounds for letting him remain in the family home at the present time, indeed it could be seen as negligent . It should also be reported to the police. If a stranger did this to you, you would not tolerate it, which is all the more reason to make a report. If later on you find that there was a reason for the behaviour, such as a brain tumour or some such thing, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Why did the police let him off with a caution?

You phoned the police though poise, right?

this is what i did : ( my now X dh was a abusive)
he hurt me so bad i wound up in a&e with multiple injuries.

when i was home from hozzy , i got rid of him
kicked him out , threw his stuff out after him and told him i would be divorcing him.

he has no contact with DD and he pays school fees for her.

i don`t want her to know him.

I feel quite sick for you. You really must try and read and digest every word on this thread.

He has done something unforgiveable and I would urge you to look at all his other behaviours - it is almost guaranteed that he is an entitled control freak with no respect for women and things are only 'great' because you tow the line and the minute you don't, then .........well this.

Maybe it would help to explain what happened in the run up to his assault on you?

I am assuming that Op is dealing with children or more likely reading in tears unsure what to do and just contemplating all that has been said. I am sure she will return when she is ready and able.

This is worrying me though.

he punched you unconscious. I have seen men fighting in the street many times, throwing punches trying to hurt the other guy and they haven't knocked them out.
To have knocked you out with one punch means he was really angry and incredibly violent. this was more than a reactionary slap. He assaulted you.

If you would feel more comofrtable talking privately i am more than happy to chat with you via PM.

No they were in Malaysia. I couldn't phone anyone as the phone was tied up to them, iyswim, and my mobile has no signal in my home.

Oh Posie

At 4 years old, there is every chance that your daughter will remember this incident for the rest of her life.

If this man stays, there is every chance that this will be the first memory she has of seeing her father act violently towards her mother, but not her last.

He needs to go. As the police have been involved, and the children were present, I am fairly sure that the police HAVE to inform Social Services, and they will want to know what you are doing to keep your children safe from witnessing or experiencing violence in their own home again.

If you don't do it for yourself (and you bloody well should, a 'loving' husband does NOT knock his wife unconscious. No ifs, no buts, no 'oh he needs to manage his anger) then do it for your children. They will think that this is acceptable, and in 20 years time you don't want to see your DD with a black eye and realise that your DD thinks it's ok to be punched by her DP because it's what she has learned is right.