first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

He has to go.

So, so, sorry.

He should leave until he gets himself and his "need to manage his anger" sorted out. You can't put yourself and your children through this again

He has to leave. I know you love him and he says he loves you, but it's very rare that dom violence is a 1 off.
So sorry this has happened, and more especially in front of 4 children

He hit you hard enough to knock you out. You could well have been killed with that force yes.

For that reason alone he's got to go.

My ex has hit me only once but I was never able to relax in his company or trust him again. This one blow destroyed my trust and respect for him.
So though initially I've forgiven him and returned back home, 6 months down the line we separated as I couldn't forgive him for what he done.

My instinct is no, don't let him back in the house and make it clear that the future of your relationship is conditional on his getting help with his anger now and not in any way guaranteed then. Have your Dad there when you talk to him and anyone else that you might want around for support. Have his bags packed for him, tune out any pleading or begging just keep saying "no, these are my conditions, you have to go". Be prepared to call the Police again to get him out of the house.

I'm sure more knowledgable folks will be along shortly to help with the details but I didn't want to just pass your post by.

get him out of the house. If he really wants to get help he will willingly leave and seek help. If he resists then you have your answer.

The point I was trying to make was that even if he doesn't hit you again you may never feel safe on his company again. Especially as he seems to minimising and denying what really happened.
I'm really sorry that you and your children have to go through it.

Imagine how your four year old felt when she thought you were dead. He has to go if you want to be sure she never has to feel that again.
So sorry you are going through this

My partner hit me once, first offence. I pressed charges, the police thought I wouldn't and kept asking me if it really was the first time as they said there are generally something like 40-odd dv incidents in the home before one gets reported.

You can't risk this happening again. You have to protect yourself and your children. Please please don't let him back in. You might not get to 40 incidents (hideous enough),-the next one might kill you.

You can't risk your babies seeing you hurt again, and to think that you are dead and that they are alone forever.
You can't risk teaching your babies that when someone assaults you, you should trust them again.

He must go. Keeping him in the house will be suicide -- either psychologically or physically, possibly both.

It takes serious, serious psychological problems, and EXTREME contempt and disrespect, to punch another human being in the face in front of your own children, and then tell them to stop "pretending".

I know you want things to be normal. But they can never be normal again. He has crossed into something that can never be forgotten, never ever. And that is NOT your fault, it is HIS. HE is the one who made the choice to destroy the trust in your family.

You can't go back.
He has changed everything, irreparably.
I am sorry this is happening to you and your children. How awful that he would do this to you.

sorry, I meant 40-odd dv incidents in the home before charges are pressed

My Dsis went through DV and I remember each conversation clearly that he didn't know what was happening and that it was an accident, she had to leave him and go to a refuge in the end, her son has severe anger issues having seen this happen in front of him.

Bad enough he did this to you but 110% unforgivable to do it in front of your children and to not see what he has done until the day after? If I hit someone I'd know about it (not that I would ever!)

I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him again.

I'm so sorry to read what happened to you. It is unlikely this will be the last time I'm afraid.I grew up with this. My dm left the first time it happened (before me and my siblings came along) he convinced her to go back.she suffered 26 years of domestic violence. I have horrendous memories of what we all went through. They are no longer together. And by some miracle we are all alive to tell the tale.

I would not wish some of my memories on your children. For their sake, he has to go.

run like the wind

if not for you, for your little babies who witness such hate and anger

he could easily have killed you, have you not seen the One Punch Can Kill campaign?

are you prepared to leave your kids motherless?

Absolutely what everyone else has said with knobs on. Please be strong and have an un mumsnetty hug.

Nope. Get rid. Quickly.

And probably should mention my dad subjected my mum to years of DV, I don't think it's any coincidence that both my older sisters went on to have abusive relationships, as the youngest I was not totally aware of what was going on but it has still affected me totally.

When you say "usually loving" What do you mean?

often "usually loving" is actually just the way we chose to perceive our partners in fact those on the outside or with experience of DV are able to see warning signals. Controlling behaviours that can sometimes be mistaken for "he just loves me so much"

His reaction after the event is also a massive red warning beacon for me.

I am afraid that with the story we have here i would advise that he leaves. It is not safe to be around a man that can punch you unconscious like that, not least in front of your children.

Like morecoffee, I brought up in a home of extreme DV. I am 47. I still do not trust any man, ever, and I have never been in a violent relationship so it's all from childhood. Don't let him do this to your children.

Someone very close to me witnessed DV as a small child. He is still suffering from what he saw 30 odd years later. Be brave x

I wouldn't even attach the condition of "getting help for his anger." Knocking someone unconscious on a first incident is beyond serious and if someone who you say is normally loving could snap like that I would be terrified of what he is capable of.

Your children deserve better. Your four year old daughter who thought that her daddy had killed her mummy deserves to not grow up thinking that this is normal.

He needs to leave and not come back. And I would be looking at supervised access visits only. A man who can punch his partner unconscious in front of his children is IMO not to be trusted with them since he clearly has no boundaries where they are concerned.

Your 4 yr old thought you were dead. Fortunately, she was wrong this time. Please don't let him put you and your dc's through it again. He has to leave your house, you and your children are not safe with him.