first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

Valar - should you change that to Valour? Although it might change the meaning.

When I read these threads I am filled with awe at those who had the courage to leave and with fear for those who stay. My mother stayed for 30 years. My dad is a broken, pathetic old man but she is still scared of him. She could probably knock him out with one blow now tbh. Perhaps she should.

What caused it, *J4J? Its a tough one, but for me he's got to move out so you can decide what you want in the longer term. Wishing you luck.

Belle - the name means "all men must die" To me it means that one day we will be dead, Don't waste the life you do have.

I hit my ex once. It was a totally impulsive reaction to him pushing me. The moment i realised what i had done I curled up awaiting the punishment. He spat at me and walked out.
It made me so proud to know that i had stood up for myself, just for that instant. I was never brave enough to try it again though.

thanks for all ideas. I've no idea why the police didn't press charges. I didn't call the police the hospital did. Apparently they don't have a choice now. I didn't want to speak about it initially for fear of social services being involved but irrelevant now as the police were called and social serivces by hospital staff! Pleased the police were called as will make husband think about what he has done more. So many of you have said leave him but he is a good man. He is so caring usually towards me and the children. He often cooks, builds huge lego things with the boys etc. Should I throw our 10 year marriage away for 10 seconds of madness especailly as he has promised to seek help and has honoured my plea not to return home this week. Oh and the incident occurred because I began cooking the dinner even though he had asked me not to - so yes controlling behaviour but now we've identified what it is counselling may help?

OP, you don't have to throw away your marriage if you don't want to. I think what you could do is ask him to leave for a while with a view to a reconciliation if you are confident he is not going to do it again, and are 100% sure that your children are not at harm from his controlling behaviour.

So, when he makes all the right noises, you have done nothing wrong here. This is all his issue to sort out and he is bloody lucky you haven't pressed charges, chucked him out already.

J4J: is it the first time you ever disobeyed him? If not, what usually happens if you disagree with him?

HE already threw your marriage away, when he knocked you unconscious in front of your children, and made them think you were dead Do you think things can truly ever go back to how they were?

A "good, caring" man does not nearly kill his wife. For ANY reason, never mind that she was cooking him dinner He may have managed to come across that way until now, but now you have seen what he has the potential to do. Do you think that potential (for extreme violence) will ever go away now?

I'm sorry to sound harsh, this must all be incredibly hard and you don't deserve to be going through it all; but from all the stories I have heard so far, if you let him back after just a few apologies and a few days away this will happen again (and again). And counselling is apparently little use for violent men

I am so sorry. He has to go, not just for you but your lovley dcs. your poor dd.

A male friend of mine is sitting here and i have just read him your post. He says if he was the type of man who would punch you in the face, he would also fully expect you to take it and carry on. In other words the arrogance and complete lack of respect for you, which allowed him to hit you in the first place would allow him to believe that you should just accept his hateful, violent behaviour.

You should leave this relationship. I do not believe that this will remain a one off. In fact I'd go so far as to say I know it won't.

Jesus Christ, there can be NO second chances after that. None.

Get out or get him out. He nearly killed you. In front of your children. Next time your kids could witness a murder.

That one act has wiped out everything that came before it. He is a A Bad Man.

Op basically you and your kids are fucked if you stay with this man.

The assault (not 'incident') occurred because you started cooking when he had asked you not to?

He is an animal.

You're going to forgive and forget...I already know you are, and it makes me feel very sad.....but that is your choice.
Next time he is violent towards you I hope you will remember what we said, and come back to us for support again. xxx

I cant tell you how relieved I am that social services have become involved, and will now keep an eye on your family.

If you cant protect your children from this, hopefully they will.

This is not a good man.

Good men dont punch the lights off their wives, watching their young, scared and crying children try to wake up unconscious mummy on the floor, saying "get up woman, stop pretending".

Your 4 year old will remember this, and she will be scared. Do you want her to be?

He needs to leave. I hope you realize that you need to protect your children and kick him out.

Oh OP Good men do not punch people in the face. No reason is good enough to do that, and no amount of being 'good' before the assault can cancel it out.
Please don't let the next we hear of you be another sad news report. Take our support, find your strength, and protect yourself and your DCs from anymore physical and emotional abuse. You don't have to do it alone, but please, please do it.

Please read what solidgoldbrass wrote.

Get him out AND get him medical attention. If this was COMPLETELY out of character then it could have a medical cause

i could have written your post 15 years ago. boyfriend of 3 years, never raised his hand to me- punched me in the face, knocked unconscious and had to go to the hospital with suspected broken jaw.

he was mentally ill at the time. so i justified it. then when he got better, he only ever did it drunk, so i justified it. then it began happening when he was sober and i couldnt justify it anymore and my heart broke. stayed for 6 more years in total. had a dc, and left the week she turned one. should have left earlier but felt so guilty for taking his dc away, that i made myself stsy until her birthday, so that he got to spend one birthday with her. he slapped me over the head while she was sat on my knee opening presents.

i dont think for a second that he wont do it again. and if you are going to give him a second chance (which you sound like you are) i would strongly advise that you dont let him back until anger management courses/ counselling etc are COMPLETED. Not just started.

so sorry this as happened to you, and so sorry about your dc's. i literally gasped at reading your opening post as it is just so awful and shocking. please please think about whether you and your lovely dc's deserve better.

also op i would also be wondering why a man of previous good character wasnt absolutely horrified and disgusted with himself for what he had done and begging and crying for forgiveness?

it takes a really cold heart to not give a fuck.

I am rendered speechless

And very very worried for your children, OP

I hope to God your husband doesn't have "10 seconds of madness" with one of them. Perhaps one of them might start playing with lego too soon, or something.

Oh dear God. You do realise your DD thought she had witnessed a murder, don't you?
She won't ever forget it, but you can get this excuse for a man at a safe distance, for hers and her siblings' sake if not your own.
She knows what he did is not right - what does it tell her if he's allowed to stay in the house and carry on as normal?
Please listen to what wise people have said here.

What sassy said.

i would also be wondering why a man of previous good character wasnt absolutely horrified and disgusted with himself for what he had done and begging and crying for forgiveness?

He punched you in the face and knocked you unconscious because you started cooking dinner too early?

Do you really think playing with lego and cooking make up for having your children see him punch you in the face?

'10 seconds of madness' is saying something you regret or a drunken kiss at an office Christmas party. It's not punching your wife unconscious. And it doesn't sound like it lasted 10 seconds. You said he told you to get off the floor and 'stop pretending' and that it wasn't until the next day when your father told him you were in hospital being x rayed that you think 'he realised what he did.' As the argument was about dinner and you were x rayed the next day, I'd say his '10 seconds' lasted at least 12 hours. Until he found out that you'd told someone else what happened - your father and the hospital staff.

He punched his wife unconscious. Then he told her to 'stop pretending'. Then presumably ate a meal, had some relaxation time and went to bed. Then slept, getting up in the morning and having some breakfast. Then he showered and dressed and headed off to work. And started his working day. And when his FIL phoned to say his wife was being x-rayed in hospital, then he realised what he'd done.

J4J.This man will kill you.He may even kill your children.Please do as the Mumsnet wise women say and leave now and keep yourselves safe. Mx.

It wasn't 10 seconds of madness though, was it?

As Mildly points out, it was a burst of anger leading to a serious assault, his response to which was disdainful, cruel and entirely unconcerned. Then a full day of being entirely OK with what happened until somebody else pointed out to him the bleeding obvious fact that he had seriously injured you when he knocked you out with a punch to the face.

You thought he was a good man, but he is a dangerous and violent man. You and your children are at risk from him.

It's not "throwing your marriage away" to reassess the value of that marriage to a violent man with no control of his temper.

If he was truly a good man he would be so terrified of what happened that he wouldn't be "agreeing" to get help or acceding to your "pleas" to stay away from the home for a week.

He would be terrified of what he now knows he is capable of and would be seeking help himself, far away from those he now knows he is capable of seriously hurting.

I have to hide this thread because it makes me too angry. Your poor, poor, little daughter. As someone said the poor child THOUGHT she witnessed a murder. She will never, ever forget that. Even if you don't give a fig about yourself, try and spare a thought for your child. These 'lovely-man' apologist threads just make me sick.

Oh and another thing, it wouldn't be "throwing you marriage away" because that implies discarding something valuable for little reason.

In fact, what you now know you have is a marriage to a man who has proven that he is capable of seriously assaulting you in front of your children.

He is dangerously out of control. Staying with him puts you and your children at risk.

10 seconds of blind rage over something trivial could kill one of you.

How can you take that risk when you know what he is capable of?

There is no doubt about that now.