first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

Vicky I'm appalled to, I really thought times had changed. 25years ago the police wouldn't intervene when my dad poured boiling hot water over my mum - told him he needed to just calm down but I really thought progress had been made in this area. How wrong I was.

The fact the police involved themselves at all is a massive move forward. Sadly If OP hasn't offered a statement r agrees to give witness against her husband then they have no evidence.
To get a caution the husband must have admitted what he did.

This can have a massive bearing if there are further incidents.

So whilst I personally would quite happily see him locked up with a violent offender for the rest of his days, this caution isn't quite the got away scot free as it may first appear.

have to agree that attacking OP will not help.

It takes an average of 7 attacks before a woman will even seek help. She isn't a selfish woman who doesn't care for her children, she is a woman who hs spent 10 years being trained not to leave by this man. She has had a decade of brainwashing.
Her inaction is just another symptom of his abuse of her.

Don't blame her.

Valar But if the woman has a black eye and has called the police saying her OH has attacked her, then surely they can take things further without her giving a statement?
I agree about not attacking the OP. I was trying to tell her what it can be like from the childs point of view.
It isn't just the brainwashing by the partner that causes women to stay with abusive men, its the brainwashing by society that makes a woman feel bad for breaking up her family.
OP I hope you are ok, I hope you are safe.

I've just read this thread and I want to cry for the OP, for her children, and for all the women that are beaten down and bullied and live under such twisted circumstances that they could, even for one minute, consider living with someone capable of doing such a thing, and even worse, inflict it upon their children who have no voice in these matters.

Actually forget wanting to cry, I am crying.

OP, another person who is saying that this has to end now. If you take him back, it shows to him that you are scared and he can control you through beatings.

He's probably been mentally abusing you, but you haven't realised it as it's so subtle that by the time you're in real shit and trouble it's so cloying that you think that it is all normal.

Trust me, good and loving husband don't lose thier temper and then punch thier wife so hard in the face she is knocked out. In fact, they don't lose thier temper and punch people full stop.

Please get in touch with someone and get some couselling. Once the veil comes up and you see the subtle touches that got you to post this in the first place you will be shocked but glad you took the initiative to put you and your childrens welfare first rather than a scumbag who thinks their wife is making things up and playing dead in front of a 4 year old child.

As parents, our main role is making sure that our children grow up to be happy, well adjusted individuals and by showing her that it is acceptable to be punched in the face by someone you love, do you think that this is acceptable for her to continue for herself as well??

OP rightsofwomen 072516577will advise you better than I can, but I think you can get a non-molestation order and get him out of your house
Please don't stay in the house with him.

Crystals, yup. ....

Thank you so much for all advice so far. Will look up the book. I am going between 2 posts. I want to stay with him and believe he wil change but on the other hand I can't believe he did this. I think he should stay out of the home until he gets help definitely and am seeing Citizen advice on Friday morning to see to this. He really is a good man. I am visaully impaired and he does look out for me a lot - he can drive and does so much with the boys but he did do this and I can't believe it and Social services are coming round inthe morning which I am really scared about. She wanted to see the children too to draw pics but I said no as isn't it enough that they can see my face and I have obviously been speaking to the chidlren about it. I am so confused and hurt so much. Why did he not just punch the wall. It really has never happened in our relationship before and will counselling change him. I need a crystal ball.

It sounds like this is quite a shock to you, and that you also need him.

But you owe it to yourself and your children to ensure this never happens again.

Good luck with social services. Ask for their help. He may need anger management, you two may need counselling.

But I am worried that he punched you because you started cooking tea and he had told you not to. Do you usually just do as he say? Was he surprised at you not following his orders?

Were you and the children hungry? I dont understand why he did not want you to cook.

I am also very disheartened for you that he seem so blaze about what he has done.

Do you have support from your family? You mention your dad, what does he think about this?

J4J - punching walls is just as scary for you and DC.
seeing grown man punch walls is scary for DC
punching walls is just another form of abuse - it says "it could be you next time"
walking out the house when cross and punching somehting inaimate out of sight of you and DC - well that would be different.
any form of agressive behaviour infront of you and DC is out of order.

SS will want to know what help and support they can give you
what you planning to do to keep you and DC safe

you can ask them for help with the DC so you not reliant on H .

your DC do need support here to deal with what happened they will be traumatised and scared it will happen again. very scared. you need to be able to say to DC "this wont happen again because dady wont be in the house for a while except with another adult present"

my exP punched objects smashed his fist thru door smashed up bins, ripped pieces off units and smashed them - this was just as terrifying to me and Dc as when he directed phsyical agrssion directly towards me - in fact it showed his level of control as mostly he clearly had enough control to think i should hit things not people...but a wild rampaging fist throwing adult is terrifying.

but it can end with you wlaking on eggshells not to provoke such an outburst.

punching the wall is so not ok.

and - small chillren can so easily get in the way of a flying fist even when it aimed at a wall or other object...

counselling wont change him unless he really wants to change.

J4J You say your DH is a good man really. What active steps has he taken? He isn't still living in the home is he? IF he was a really good man he would move out, get some help and not expect to move back in for a good long while yet.
Give your DC the right example, teach them that they never have to put up with being hit, emotionally abused. Please.

He did say in the 10 mins when he got back from work and before the police arrested him on monday that he is fully aware of DV statistics and what other women will be saying but that he won't do it again. I am quite head strong and normally if we don't agree with stuff it doesn't get resolved just pushed under the carpet or we have heated rows and go our separate ways and then get on with the jobs - easy with 4 small children. Got to go now

heated rows - not good.

he wont do it again - but why did he do it this time? what is his excuse?

How do you know he wont do it again? You did not think he would ever punch you unconscious until he suddenly did!

This was a first, but now he has broken through this barrier, I think it is unlikely to be a last, unless he moves out and see that his actions have real consequences.

He said he won't do it again? But I'm sure if you had asked him a few days ago whether he would ever hit you so hard he kocked you out and your DD thought you were dead, he would have said "No, of course not."
Instead of just being aware of DV statistics maybe he needs to read or learn about the real stories behind those statistics. I am one of those statistics. Even though I have never been hit nor emotionally abused I am still one of those statistics, because of my childhood.
Such an easy question to ask , but how would he feel if someone did that to his DD? Would he persuade your DD to stay in that situation?
Please don't think that because your DD is 4 this will not affect her.
Again I will say, if he truly knows what he has done wrong then he will have no problem moving out whilst he addresses his problems and you will both be sending out a strong message to your DD that this behaviour is never acceptable.

I think SS are going to give you a bit of a wake up call tomorrow op. Remember people are here to help you when it happens or he hits you again. If SS don't ask that he leaves.

He just phoned and said we need to talk. I said there is not much to say and that i couldn't believe he left me on the floor and I had to get myself up with help of my daughter and go through to the lounge. He said I helped you to the sofa. I said you didn't and that there was no point talking to you are still in denial and hung up. got to go

Is he still living with you or has he moved out?

The point is not whether he helped you after punching you unconscious, but the fact that he punched you at all. I am amazed that both of you focus on his lack of help after rather than the event itself.

Lego If only that were true. SS visited my friend in a similar situation. She put on a fake smile for them, persuaded them it was a one off and SS left quite happy. As far as I know he hasn't hit her again, but then I think she is so scared of putting a foot wrong that she does everything in her power to not give him a "reason". She is now a shadow of her former self, has limited contact with her friends. It is so sad. This headstrong, beautiful, confident woman (who never thought it would happen to her) has been reduced to treading on eggshells.

So he didn't phone full of remorse, telling you he realised he had fucked up and he was going to find appropriate help? Instead he called to say you needed to talk? Jeeez