Big fight with DP, still a little shaken

[SoggyGingerBiscuit]

I'll try and shorten a long story but basically saturday night DP and I ended up arguining as I'd arranged to go out with friends and he was looking forward to spending the child-free evening with me. I didn't realise he was looking forward to it or I wouldn't have booked it but by then it was too late to cancel my plans so we argued over it before finally he stormed out and went to the gym.

He came back around 6pm and the children had gone by this time (to their dad) and he asked if I'd reconsidered the evening. I said I hadn't and was still going and it erupted into another argument where he said I was selfish and never think about him and he's always bottom of my list of priorities (untrue) so anyway he walked over to me and shouted in my face "Do you the fuck you want, you always do anyway". So I told him I wasn't discussing it further with him until he'd calmed down. He then grabbed me by the arm and dragged me from the kitchen into the living room saying "go on then, fuck off, go and get ready, less I see of you right now the better anyway" etc. and he was really hurting my arm and in panic I lashed out and hit him in the face.

We both stopped, I was mortified and gobsmacked and he just looked at me. I said I was sorry and hadn't mean to actually hit him and he stormed up to me forcing me to back into the wall (although he didn't actually touch me) and snarled at me "don't ever hit me again". I've never seen him so angry and close to losing control and was actually quite frightened, he's a big bloke (6ft 4) and it was intimidating. he said then "do you understand?" I nodded and he said "get out of my fucking sight" so I went upstairs. Had a good cry, came down about 20 minutes later to apologise again and explained that I hadn't meant to hit him, it was a reflect and he said "well lets hope I don't start getting mad reflexes then". I got a bit cross because the fact that he'd dragged me around by arm before this seemed to have been forgotten so I said "you're not 100% innocent in this either" and he absolutely lost it and started saying stuff like "so I take it it's ok for us to hit each other when we're pissed off then?" he then grabbed me, knocked me onto the sofa and pinned me down and raised his fist as if he was going to punch me in the face. I screamed and begged him to stop. He got off me and I ran upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and I screamed at him to leave me alone and he said he was so sorry and had gone too far and that he'd never hurt me.

Anyway long story short I was just so glad it had all stopped I let him hug me and we 'kissed and made up' but I cant let it go. I was so frightened when he did that and its made me wonder how far hed go. I admit I should never have hit him, I know that so I kind of feel that I can't play little miss innocent on it all either. Is it just a 50/50 thing that I should accept and move on from?

Hmm.
When OP smacked the twat, did it help?
No.

Will he do it again?
Probably.

Should she stay with him?
No.

Should people - particularly, perhaps women - take self defence classes?
Yes, but... I'd suggest you look for redman training where you can i) try out full force moves and ii) realise how ridiculous most male upper body strength is. Unless you're well trained, reacting to a grab with a punch is likely to get someone hurt, most likely you.

In general, as fuzzywuzzy said, run away is a good answer, and it's also what I've done when being chased by people in the street. [As opposed to some drunk getting hold of me].

[FWIW, that's the reason for wristlock and lower comment; while I'm not a giant I'm about 1m93 with appropriate size chest and shoulders (and inappropriate gut); if anyone grabbed me, I wouldn't hit them. If you know some very easy, very basic things you should be able to make them let go. Punching people always leads to escalation]

Despite the oh-so-typical "mansplaining" comment, I'm on the OPs side, detest violence of all sorts - and have actually done some things about DV incidents.

Im struggling to see what your point is OMC

I'm seeing plenty of point to OMC's post. Let him be FFS. He has a valid opinion.

and to be honest when you have been in a DV situation where your own fucking family leave you for weeks without contact knowing you're suffering, hearing of any random stranger who stops to try to help really makes you think.

What do you mean, OMC, when you say "if you realise how ridiculous most male upper body strength is"? Are you saying most men are really out of condition, untrained, unmuscled etc and therefore pretty weak; it is a myth in short?

That may well be true, but I suspect rather a lot of women are too, so don't they just cancel each other out?

I do have to wonder why OMC revived a thread that had been dead for 2 days to get even more of his point across

jux, he means most men are not as ninja-like as him, of course

how that is mean to help here, i have no idea

even relatively puny men are still generally physically stronger than the average woman

it's a non-point (except to maybe make us ask about the size of his biceps ?)

meant

OK, I'm a bit dumb! I was wondering whether he was dispelling a myth and would continue with tips as to how women could very easily take men down.

In which case I would have been interested, obviously.

I think people are jumping the gun with all this " hes violent get out " and "run" just because this happened doesnt mean the guy is a violent person.

Um, yes it does Mexican, yes it does.

Er, Mexican, yes it does.

see OMC ?...you should have just let the thead be

see what you have unleashed now ?

answer mexican please...you attracted him/her to this thread, after all

or have we to pick up after you ?

Yes look at the mess you've made.

What with Mexican an' all.

Hallejuah, it's a premature erection resurrection . Don't you know you should wait 3 days before rolling away the stone, OMC, or are you just pleased to see me?

In the interests of avoiding further speculation, if I were skilled in the arts of ninjitsu and able to invisibly penetrate heavily guarded inner sanctums with a view to a kill, you can take it as read that there would be fewer male abusers/tyrants desecrating inhabiting our world.

However, with further reference to my own trial by chancer ordeal, it seems that I omitted to add that, in best 18/19th century chicklit tradition, after I'd broken his arm incapacitated him and all but gouged his eyeballs out, I rippped up my petticoats to provide a sling, bathed his wounds in bacteria infested lake water and proceeded to nurse him back to health (thanks to copious quantities of calves' foot jelly and beef tea donated by way of alms from certain mumsnetters the local squire's wicker basket carrying muslin clad dds) and then, dear reader, I married him and his vision in his right eye returned sufficiently for him to see our firstborn.... that do you, UA? Hope you feel better after your cuppa

If advocating self-defence/martial arts classes for all females makes me wetter than a sopping wet sponge on a wet day in Wednesfield; it's a fair cop and I freely admit to being considerably damper than Mr Darcy when he emerged from said lake - you can also take it as read that if the divine Mr Firth had attacked me I would have swooned given in gracefully with a 'take me I'm yours' or, more probably, rendered him unconscious and carried him off to my cave.

The fact is that there is no reason for females to tolerate physical assault on their persons from men. Google self-defence classes for your locality. Enrol yourself and your dds. There are martial arts clases for those with physical disablities and for those who are wheelchair users. Rheumatoid arthritis? No problem sp.

Don't wait for liberation to come to a town near you ... liberate yourself by reclaiming the power you have relinquished to conditioning osmosis.

FTR, when I was attacked I hadn't been inside a dojo for 10+ years but acquiring the skill to defend onself is like riding a bike or a horse: once learned, never forgotten. FWIW the only reason I developed a brief interest in Kung Fu was my pre-adolescent crush on David Carradine. Later in life I got to meet him in the flesh - sad to report he wasn't a bit like Caine [sob]

NB: Livia - if Col hasn't been home lately you know where to find him.

izzy, you are more eccentric than an eccentric thing

@ Izzy and AF. You two are utterly nuts sometimes.

she is nuts, I am perfectly normal ! < twitch >

Haven't read the whole thing but if you have been left shaken it is not good

Thates what they all say, AF