Big fight with DP, still a little shaken

[SoggyGingerBiscuit]

I'll try and shorten a long story but basically saturday night DP and I ended up arguining as I'd arranged to go out with friends and he was looking forward to spending the child-free evening with me. I didn't realise he was looking forward to it or I wouldn't have booked it but by then it was too late to cancel my plans so we argued over it before finally he stormed out and went to the gym.

He came back around 6pm and the children had gone by this time (to their dad) and he asked if I'd reconsidered the evening. I said I hadn't and was still going and it erupted into another argument where he said I was selfish and never think about him and he's always bottom of my list of priorities (untrue) so anyway he walked over to me and shouted in my face "Do you the fuck you want, you always do anyway". So I told him I wasn't discussing it further with him until he'd calmed down. He then grabbed me by the arm and dragged me from the kitchen into the living room saying "go on then, fuck off, go and get ready, less I see of you right now the better anyway" etc. and he was really hurting my arm and in panic I lashed out and hit him in the face.

We both stopped, I was mortified and gobsmacked and he just looked at me. I said I was sorry and hadn't mean to actually hit him and he stormed up to me forcing me to back into the wall (although he didn't actually touch me) and snarled at me "don't ever hit me again". I've never seen him so angry and close to losing control and was actually quite frightened, he's a big bloke (6ft 4) and it was intimidating. he said then "do you understand?" I nodded and he said "get out of my fucking sight" so I went upstairs. Had a good cry, came down about 20 minutes later to apologise again and explained that I hadn't meant to hit him, it was a reflect and he said "well lets hope I don't start getting mad reflexes then". I got a bit cross because the fact that he'd dragged me around by arm before this seemed to have been forgotten so I said "you're not 100% innocent in this either" and he absolutely lost it and started saying stuff like "so I take it it's ok for us to hit each other when we're pissed off then?" he then grabbed me, knocked me onto the sofa and pinned me down and raised his fist as if he was going to punch me in the face. I screamed and begged him to stop. He got off me and I ran upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and I screamed at him to leave me alone and he said he was so sorry and had gone too far and that he'd never hurt me.

Anyway long story short I was just so glad it had all stopped I let him hug me and we 'kissed and made up' but I cant let it go. I was so frightened when he did that and its made me wonder how far hed go. I admit I should never have hit him, I know that so I kind of feel that I can't play little miss innocent on it all either. Is it just a 50/50 thing that I should accept and move on from?

I didn't come back for a fight AF. I came back to express an opion.

My approach to posting is just that, mine.

It makes me cross that a group of people somehow feel they have some sort of ownership to this site. If other posters dare to see a grey area they get hounded off by the wolefs

But rest assured this one ain't going nowhere.

Being dragged about by a partner, shouting swearwords at you because you dare to go out? That in itself, let alone the threatening afterwards, would have me running for the door. No physical violence, ever. It has to be a bottom-line. Hitting him, when he was hurting your arm dragging you about (and let's face it, he's stronger than you) is neither here not there, as had he not been assaulting you (and if you did this to someone at work or in a pub, that's what you would be arrested with), you would not have had to try to make him stop.

No excuses, this is awful. I second all those who say you've had a warning now what happens with this man when you have a disagreement (whatever it is about). I would get out now, before he starts dragging you and threatening you some more.

glad to hear it, fuzzy

but you know when someone takes any opportunity to moan when people don't agree with them, it gets a bit tiresome

especially when people are disagreeing with your DV apologist stance

I don't want to get into a personal argument, but I can't see any grey here. Do people really think it's ok for my husband to come home tonight, and if I have a minor disagreement with him, for him to drag me from one room to another, and then threaten to punch my face in. God help us. I also think if a relationship is making you hit others, you should get out for that reason alone.

It doesn't matter how or what you use to try and work it so that this is out of character, not really him, he's great really, just a blip etc. etc. etc.

The FACT is that there are two types of people, one type who just wouldn't react like that to any argument. Who would be horrified at the thought of physically attacking and threatening someone over a disagreement. Who just wouldn't FEEL like that, ever.

Then there's the other type who would. Who could.

He's one of the latter. You've not been with him very long, and you've just found out what he's like when the chips are down.

That's it in a nutshell. He's violent. You can't trust him, you never will be able to. You could do better in a heartbeat. You have children - put them first and get this loser out of your lives NOW, while you hardly know him.

Yes that's right - you hardly know this guy. 18 months: stop and think about that sentence - it's true. 18 months. It's nothing. You've just started to see what kind of a person he is. Get out.

Yes, it certainly does get tiresome doesn't it. It also gets very tiresome when these labels start getting bandied about.

Is DV apologist a new label?

Things on here become sooo exaggerated its rather ridiculous.

+1 for TheCrunchUnderfoot
The FACT is that there are two types of people, one type who just wouldn't react like that to any argument. Who would be horrified at the thought of physically attacking and threatening someone over a disagreement. Who just wouldn't FEEL like that, ever.

Then there's the other type who would. Who could.

Which both of you are.

Now me, I'd never strike a women back.
But then, if a woman struck me, she's be an uncontrolled nutter, and she'd be binned.

Get rid of him, and when you find another partner, keep your own hands to yourself.

Note to anybody offended by being labelled an apologist for DV, there is a simple solution.

Don't be one. Problem solved.

HTH.

Lashing out in self defence when assaulted does not make you a nutter - it makes you human.

sorry flippinada, if the last was for me, which bit of

Now me, I'd never strike a women back.
But then, if a woman struck me, she's be an uncontrolled nutter, and she'd be binned.

did you miss?
I would never use any form of physical violence.
If I got hit, it would be someone using physical violence on me... for which there is no excuse. Once is too often - either way.

OneMoreChap, you're right - but that's not what she did. He had her by the arm, was dragging her around and she was in pain - so in a panic she lashed out. To stop the pain and presumably in fear that he would cause her more pain if she didn't get him off her.

Think about how you might actually react if someone was doing that to you - was actually assaulting you. I'd be terrified that they'd hurt me more seriously and I'd be fighting to get away - here, for example, before they moved faster and hurt me more seriously, yanked my arm up, dislocated my shoulder by spinning me round. Damn right I'd thump someone doing that, to get them off me. He made it clear he wanted to hurt her. I'd have fought him off too. Better that than a broken shoulder.

Are you saying you wouldn't - that say some bloke outside the pub decided to get you in a grip like that and start hurting you, you'd just stand there, maybe shout, but not react physically to get them off you at all?

I think focusing on her reaction to being assaulted is disingenuous, and yes, being an apologist for the perpetrator. Which is just irritating and doesn't help sort out the problem in the slightest.

SoggyGingerBisquit This is not a relationship, you have not wanted to spend time with him for a long time, as you just want to go out on the merry with friends. You have only been living together for a short time. The fact that he has to beg to get to spend any time with you in in future when your children is at their dads, is already a sign that this relationship is not really working. End it now.

(And I am not touching the violence with a barge pole, as you are already making excuses for him and blaming yourself. Just end the relationship and move on)

Coo, TheCrunchUnderfoot you do ask some questions, don't you?

Are you saying you wouldn't - that say some bloke outside the pub decided to get you in a grip like that and start hurting you, you'd just stand there, maybe shout, but not react physically to get them off you at all?

Absolutely not. If some woman got me in a painful grip, I'd not react violently. You don't do that sort of thing. If it's a bloke, I'd probably stick him in a wristlock, and lower him to the floor.

I think focusing on her reaction to being assaulted is disingenuous, and yes, being an apologist for the perpetrator.

I didn't focus on her reaction; I focussed on the use of violence. I said once is once too often. From either side. I've also said there is no excuse for it.

If you feel that is being an apologist for DV, you must have some other agenda.

Excellent OMC. So next time OP is grabbed by her arm you suggest she gets him in a wrist-lock and lowers him to the ground?

then, OMC, I presume you mean it's ok for you to react like-for-like if you were physically assaulted

but this woman, in this situation, is equally as responsible for the incident of DV as her partner ?

is that what you are saying ?

because if you are, it may not make you an apologist for DV, but it certainly makes you look like you have an agenda, a rather self-entitled one

Onemorechap, its not acceptable to hit someone, i agree but she was scared, and he wasnt listening to her, so she lashed out, just like a wild animal would, she was scared and frightened and was being hurt. The fact i hit my husband whilst he was strangling me obviously makes me as bad as him...i think not, i ended up passing out and when i came round, i had a fractured collar bone and couldnt remember much. Dont even know how i got it, only that i was the other side of the room. Suppose that was justified too. No its not in fear and desperation you will do anything!

OMC not everyone is a ninja like you.

OMC - I would suppose you prefer women to be beaten to submission rather than trying to defend themselves.

I'd have thought lashing out against someone who is hurting and terrifying you is an automatic reaction, I'm pretty sure I would not passively allow myself to be dragged around my house by anyone, I would be trying to extricate myself from the person and run away from them, there is a very real possiblity that this action on my part could end up with me hitting the attacker if he was refusing to let go of me.

Anyone who can remain calm and rational and pleasantly request an attacker to stop man handling them whilst being utterly terrified at how far the person attacking them will go is frankly utterly amazing!

I would leave this man, 18 months is relatively short time and easier to extricate oneself than 18 years down the line, when things have progressed to very real beatings.

A six foot something man is not terrified of being physically hurt by a woman much smaller in size than him, he wants to turn this situation around on the OP, make her feel guilty for lashing out in terror while trying to get away from him.

OP did not deliberately go up to her partner and threaten him, she did not hit him or goad him into a fight.

I would leave. I am not prepared to live under the same roof as someone who terrifies me. I'm not prepared to walk on eggshells in case something sets my partner off, cancelling a possible dinner date last minute for other plans is disproportionate to his reaction.

if you are scared then your body releases adrenaline. It is known as 'the fight or flight' hormone, because that is the reactions it produces. It is a biological defence mechanism to help us to survive

You made some very good points OMC. Unfortunately some people, once on a roll, can't seem to stop and think logically

Oh for goodness sake OneMoreChap don't be so silly

Good on you for the 'lower to the floor' scenario - hopefully if you do find yourself in an attack or similar scenario you will feel in control enough to adopt this, and won't panic and lash out. That's great, it's what we would all hope to have the resources and presence of mind to do, but for most people it wouldn't be their automatic reaction, especially if they're simply not used to being in a physically violent situation (e.g. unlike someone who did martial arts or something). Personally I think I'd lash out in a panic if someone much larger than me had my arm in a twist and was hurting me, after screaming threateningly in my face. I'm sure I would in fact - I know that what would go through my head is the thought 'Oh shit he's going to break my arm oh shit oh shit oh shit' - something like that, I reckon.

'Coo, TheCrunchUnderfoot you do ask some questions, don't you?'

• because of the above sentence, I'm not going to engage with you anymore. How rude do you sound?! - If I were speaking face to face with you, would you use that sentence? Presumably not, unless you wanted to come across like a silly, strutting little peacock looking for a fight. You don't want to chat about this situation, you just want to point score. Yes, of course I was asking you about what your reaction would be - erm, that's kind of the point of our exchange. Hmm. Well, I'm offski. Glad to see that the weight of opinion on this thread is at odds with that of the Ninja Peacock

This thread is really sad. I was going to post my own thread today trying to get help. But they always end up in arguing bullying and people ganging up. The whole opposite of what is needed.

I'm at my friends as my pc gets looked at. So not on for long may post tomorrow. My oh has beaten me lots and lots. He stopped a year ago as people called the police, I lied and covered he stopped with fright.

Although I say stopped 3 times now he has done this to me. Drag grab my neck push me pull me as its not hitting he dosent see it as bad. He hurt me the other day by grabbing my neck and dragging me. I slapped him to get him off he said if I ever tried to report him he'd say I was the violent one. I'm trapped and don't feel I can go as he said he'd rather see the kids in care and him bankrupt than see me ok. Please go now. Don't stay. Don't be me.

'shades of grey' are not helpful here because you can bet he will already be laying that on thick. As will OP, trying to normalise it and make it less traumatic and life changing for herself

She needs to hear that its not ok and she can leave