Big fight with DP, still a little shaken

[SoggyGingerBiscuit]

I'll try and shorten a long story but basically saturday night DP and I ended up arguining as I'd arranged to go out with friends and he was looking forward to spending the child-free evening with me. I didn't realise he was looking forward to it or I wouldn't have booked it but by then it was too late to cancel my plans so we argued over it before finally he stormed out and went to the gym.

He came back around 6pm and the children had gone by this time (to their dad) and he asked if I'd reconsidered the evening. I said I hadn't and was still going and it erupted into another argument where he said I was selfish and never think about him and he's always bottom of my list of priorities (untrue) so anyway he walked over to me and shouted in my face "Do you the fuck you want, you always do anyway". So I told him I wasn't discussing it further with him until he'd calmed down. He then grabbed me by the arm and dragged me from the kitchen into the living room saying "go on then, fuck off, go and get ready, less I see of you right now the better anyway" etc. and he was really hurting my arm and in panic I lashed out and hit him in the face.

We both stopped, I was mortified and gobsmacked and he just looked at me. I said I was sorry and hadn't mean to actually hit him and he stormed up to me forcing me to back into the wall (although he didn't actually touch me) and snarled at me "don't ever hit me again". I've never seen him so angry and close to losing control and was actually quite frightened, he's a big bloke (6ft 4) and it was intimidating. he said then "do you understand?" I nodded and he said "get out of my fucking sight" so I went upstairs. Had a good cry, came down about 20 minutes later to apologise again and explained that I hadn't meant to hit him, it was a reflect and he said "well lets hope I don't start getting mad reflexes then". I got a bit cross because the fact that he'd dragged me around by arm before this seemed to have been forgotten so I said "you're not 100% innocent in this either" and he absolutely lost it and started saying stuff like "so I take it it's ok for us to hit each other when we're pissed off then?" he then grabbed me, knocked me onto the sofa and pinned me down and raised his fist as if he was going to punch me in the face. I screamed and begged him to stop. He got off me and I ran upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and I screamed at him to leave me alone and he said he was so sorry and had gone too far and that he'd never hurt me.

Anyway long story short I was just so glad it had all stopped I let him hug me and we 'kissed and made up' but I cant let it go. I was so frightened when he did that and its made me wonder how far hed go. I admit I should never have hit him, I know that so I kind of feel that I can't play little miss innocent on it all either. Is it just a 50/50 thing that I should accept and move on from?

He will hurt you again. I promise you just described my oh. Go now. Don't be me having to post from a friends using her account because you know yours is watched. Trying to get out whilst you know he is away for the week. It will happen to you.

onetwotesting I am so sorry that this has happened to you too. Are you getting any real life support? Have you spoken to WA?

The fact that you have found a way to post here is amazing and very brave. Please keep finding a way, so many of us have been helped by the clued up and savvy posters on these boards that DO understand the reality of this.

I got out. Lots of us have. You can too! x

@ "not everyone's a ninja"

onetwo I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...I truly hope you find a way to escape from that person who calls himself a man

threatening/terrorising a woman...makes him feel so big and manly, doesn't it

Haven't read the whole thread so this may have been mentioned already, but is there any possibility he's taking any kind of performance enhancing drugs, as you mentioned he went out to gym.

Not condoning his behaviour but it may explain his physical reaction/loss of temper over something small.

in the latest example in the national news of a man killing his partner and small child because of "relationship difficulties", someone who knew him said he "spent a lot of time at the gym, pumping himself up"

so you might have something there, inspireme

I doubt the OP will be back though, unfortunately

Gosh, what a lot of comments to a poster who thinks the OP should leave her partner, as he's violent.

I have so missed mumsnet

Let's have a quick look through at what I said...

He was violent. Leave him.

... and lots of men show off to women who're their partners. Not usually by knocking them about, I'd hope.

In this position, if he thought you were unreasonable smacking him in the face, he should have binned you rather than having another pop at you, which was completely out of order.

Get rid of him, and when you find another partner, keep your own hands to yourself

If I got hit, it would be someone using physical violence on me... for which there is no excuse. Once is too often - either way.

Nope, doesn't read like someone who approves of violence, apologises for it or thinks the OP should stick with the git.

Molasses
Excellent OMC. So next time OP is grabbed by her arm you suggest she gets him in a wrist-lock and lowers him to the ground?

Sigh. No, I suggest she dumps the violent sod.
I was asked what I would do to a bloke; I'd added I would do nothing to a woman.

AnyFucker
then, OMC, I presume you mean it's ok for you to react like-for-like if you were physically assaulted
Absolutely not. How does being gripped in a way which hurt me, then me lowering someone to the ground equate as like for like?

but this woman, in this situation, is equally as responsible for the incident of DV as her partner ?
Of course not; she should dump him. She shouldn't have struck him, as is evident by the fact that the situation then escalated. He's a scumbag.

but it certainly makes you look like you have an agenda, a rather self-entitled one

sorry, read this twice, and still don't understand it.

QuintessentiallyShallow
OMC - I would suppose you prefer women to be beaten to submission rather than trying to defend themselves.
What a very odd reading of my text.

Technoviking
OMC not everyone is a ninja like you.
Indeed? perhaps I seem to have missed the part where I said I approved of striking women.

For what it's worth, I wonder how many of you have intervened in DV. Physically? I have 3 times, and on two occasions the woman said "Oh, it's OK, he doesn't mean it, he loves me really, let him go" and on the last occasion, the police took him as he'd damaged property in the flat the party was on at. I was told by the copper, "you shouldn't have called us, just given him a leathering".

I detest DV, and the advice is always the same - as I said leave the violent person.

but it certainly makes you look like you have an agenda, a rather self entitled one

you don't understand it, OMC ? How odd. Everyone else did. Apart from fuzzy maybe < shrug >

TheCrunchUnderfoot
Oh for goodness sake OneMoreChap don't be so silly

AnyFucker Tue 17-Jan-12 16:56:38

you don't understand it, OMC ? How odd. Everyone else did. Apart from fuzzy maybe < shrug >

Right.
Have a too.

I don't understand why she shouldn't have hit him.

Do women not have the right to self-defence?

Most women aren't trained to bring down their opponents like a ninja, or to gently lower them to the ground without hurting them.

If you defend yourself against violence, it's generally in the form of counter-attack.

That is accepted in law as proportionate self defence, as long as you don't make it so violent that it's disproportionate.

Why do women defending themselves from a physical assault by their partners, not have the same right to self-defence as other people?

If someone bigger and stronger than me attacked me, I'd punch, kick, bite, gouge - whatever I could - to get away. I'm gobsmacked that anyone would tell me that that would be wrong of me, becuase I ought to be using my ninja skills to correctly defend myself without hurting them.

Crock of shit.

OP I hope you're still reading. And I hope you're getting some RL support, onewottesting.

I will only accept a chocolate hobnob

jammy dodgers are shite

is the biscuit meant to make one STFU, OMC ?

with what intention are you utilising it ?

It's just bizarre to say that the OP shouldn't have hit the guy when he was dragging her round by the arm, hurting and frightening her. What should she have done? Just let him drag her around until he was all tuckered out?

It's a massive double standard isn't it?

He's got the right to drag you around the house because he's angry with you, but you're wrong to fight back in self-defence.

Women, never forget your role is to be a doormat.

AF - I have the distinct feeling that the Ninja utilises the when (ir)rational argument and threats to lower gently to the ground have failed - in other words, he can't think of a good answer to either of our comments :)

I think you may be right, crunchy

Yes indeed Basil.

I too dislike the dodgers with their hard little cyclopean eyes

may I call you crunchy, btw ?

that was very presumptuous of me

it's a shame really, because I have a minor techy problem that OMC could have helped me with, I am sure

but I appear to have a jammy dodger stuffed in my gob

x-post!

Crunch away, Basil!

One just can't get the right words out on this thread, I find.

I need lowering gently to the ground before I do someone a mischief

Perhaps I could practice my ninjo moves on you

< assumes the stance >

ninjo ?

gawd, I think I will be shit at this

See what I mean!!!

Love NINJO though, what a fab word.

'Stand aside, bollock-brains! I warn you, I am a trained ninjo and I can lower you gently to the ground with just a flick of my biscuit!

I really think people have forgotton about the OP and have turned this into a bun fight, this should be about the OP not and bun fight between AF and OMC. I doubt the OP will be back on now which is such a shame as she needed support.