Big fight with DP, still a little shaken

[SoggyGingerBiscuit]

I'll try and shorten a long story but basically saturday night DP and I ended up arguining as I'd arranged to go out with friends and he was looking forward to spending the child-free evening with me. I didn't realise he was looking forward to it or I wouldn't have booked it but by then it was too late to cancel my plans so we argued over it before finally he stormed out and went to the gym.

He came back around 6pm and the children had gone by this time (to their dad) and he asked if I'd reconsidered the evening. I said I hadn't and was still going and it erupted into another argument where he said I was selfish and never think about him and he's always bottom of my list of priorities (untrue) so anyway he walked over to me and shouted in my face "Do you the fuck you want, you always do anyway". So I told him I wasn't discussing it further with him until he'd calmed down. He then grabbed me by the arm and dragged me from the kitchen into the living room saying "go on then, fuck off, go and get ready, less I see of you right now the better anyway" etc. and he was really hurting my arm and in panic I lashed out and hit him in the face.

We both stopped, I was mortified and gobsmacked and he just looked at me. I said I was sorry and hadn't mean to actually hit him and he stormed up to me forcing me to back into the wall (although he didn't actually touch me) and snarled at me "don't ever hit me again". I've never seen him so angry and close to losing control and was actually quite frightened, he's a big bloke (6ft 4) and it was intimidating. he said then "do you understand?" I nodded and he said "get out of my fucking sight" so I went upstairs. Had a good cry, came down about 20 minutes later to apologise again and explained that I hadn't meant to hit him, it was a reflect and he said "well lets hope I don't start getting mad reflexes then". I got a bit cross because the fact that he'd dragged me around by arm before this seemed to have been forgotten so I said "you're not 100% innocent in this either" and he absolutely lost it and started saying stuff like "so I take it it's ok for us to hit each other when we're pissed off then?" he then grabbed me, knocked me onto the sofa and pinned me down and raised his fist as if he was going to punch me in the face. I screamed and begged him to stop. He got off me and I ran upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and I screamed at him to leave me alone and he said he was so sorry and had gone too far and that he'd never hurt me.

Anyway long story short I was just so glad it had all stopped I let him hug me and we 'kissed and made up' but I cant let it go. I was so frightened when he did that and its made me wonder how far hed go. I admit I should never have hit him, I know that so I kind of feel that I can't play little miss innocent on it all either. Is it just a 50/50 thing that I should accept and move on from?

You are blaming yourself for this now. I abhor violence and that is why I think you hitting him was very wrong but what he did to you is chilling. TRying to excuse him.

Get out now. This will not end well for you or your children.

Sorry I meant dont try and excuse his behaviour. It cannot be.

Yes it does rather sound as though he is manipulating you into not going out with your friends....after all, look what happens when that is what you want to do. He has sent you a powerful message that going out with your friends just isn't worth it, if you get dragged around and threatened. This is another common tactic of this type of man....isolation, bit by bit, until he is all you have left.

Is that what you want?

It isn't 50/50 because of size and strength and if he hits you, you will get hurt badly...where you hit him it is like a tap. But besides who hit who this is not good if their is physical aggression and threating to punch you in the face...which your pleading only stopped.
Is the honeymoon period over and he is starting to show true colours?

It doesn't matter what the argument was about, or even if he was completely justified and in the right about it.

The point is, a decent man would never use physical force and violence against a woman, no matter how bad an argument was, how angry he was, and how much you may have been 'pestering him'. A decent man would also never be verbally abusive in the way your partner was.

Trust me, I can be a completely irritating bitch sometimes, but I know 100% that my DH would never become abusive, verbally or physically. Because good men don't.

Please please don't let him convince you that this was your fault - do you know that that is what abusive men do all the time?

You deserve better and so do your children. Don't let this bullying bastard screw up your life and theirs.

He wanted to buy the wine saturday night as it was our only child-free night. I did go out in the end, I didn't want to but he pursuaded me to go out and enjoy myself. This is what I mean he IS a good guy 99% of the time, he's never usually funny about me going out, he never stops me doing anything I want to do, he was even going to look after my kids for the week whilst I went to benidorm with friends (I didn't go in the end as I genuinly didn't fancy it but he was willing).

Why was the argument your fault? Why were you 100% in the wrong?

It sounds like you didn't want to get out of your plans, which you had already made before he said he wanted to cook for you. Did you say you'd try and get out of it as a way of avoiding a reaction from him? What would he have said if you had just said "oh what a shame, but let's definitely do that next time the kids are at their dad's" (not, presumably, a once-a-year occasion!).

He said he never intended to hit me he was just trying to show me how bad it was for either of us to hit each other but admits he went about it totally the wrong way

Oh really. Because you showed no remorse after you'd hit him (in what was arguably self-defence)? In fact you said sorry immediately (as you should).

He is then still violently angry 20 minutes later. That's not normal.

Why did you say that you would try to get out of going out with your friends when you clearly wanted to go? It sounds like you felt some obligation to appease him and to put your own plans and wishes second to his.

Fair enough for him to be miffed if you are out with your friends every week and never make time for an evening in with him, but if your evening out was a rare occurrence, it is rather controlling of him to expect that you would change your plans.

He's not blaming me for any of it, he's saying it was 100% his fault.

Yes I actually see the most recent post as answering my question about whether he has a problem with your friendships. I think it's interesting that you didn't feel up to telling him that you hadn't cancelled your plans. So he manipulated you into a situation where you looked like you were in the wrong. That, combined with the intimidation used in the argument, confirms my fears that this man is an abuser.

Please get out :(

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we've had some right hum dingers, never once has he dragged me round.

your relationship is 18 months old and has become violent. You should still be in the honeymoon stage.

But Soggy none of the other 'good' things he does changes the fact that he has now shown himself as an abusive man. You now know that under the right circumstances, your partner commits domestic violence. Do you really want a man like that to be bringing up your children?

The thing is in the weeks before Christmas I was out nearly every weekend with friends. He never once tried to stop me but asked if in the new year we could think about spending more child-free evenings together. I agreed and said I would make sure I spent more time with him in the new year and to be honest I've not really done that.

It is not vile behaviour from both of them! It is vile behaviour from HIM. The OP lashed out at him to make him stop dragging her around by the arm - he was physically assualting and hurting her and she was frightened. Her actions are self defence, not violence.

OP he is violent and abusive. He was disappointed because you'd arranged a night out with friends without him - an acceptable response to that is to express disappointment, NOT to get up in your face shouting abuse and swearing and then to physically attack you and threaten you.

So if he is admitting he is 100% at fault then what is he going to do to address this?

Then he has the right to be annoyed with you. He doesn't have the right to use physical force or intimidation to make you do things he wants you to do. It really is that simple. And if you don't want to spend time with him, then this relationship was going nowhere before he got physical. Time to make a swift exit.

he never stops me doing anything I want to do

Is this the first time, though, that you had plans for yourself that were at odds with his plans for the evening? In other words, the first time you did want you wanted when that wasn't what he wanted?

I don't mean in a horrendously controlling way, but rather than normally when people live together you make plans around each other, i.e. one has plans with friends so the other uses that time to go out with their friends. One wants a night in together and if that's arranged first, that would be what you did unless something unusual cropped up.

You didn't want to change your plans. Encouraging you to go out after that incident may have just been a way of avoiding the controlling label, i.e. you were still 'allowed' to go out, although god knows how you must have been feeling / how you managed to enjoy yourself.

But that doesn't change the fact that he has just shown himself to be a violent and abusive man. Whatever good things he has done in the last 18 months don't change what happened on Saturday.

As others have said, abusive men don't always show their true colours in the first months of a relationship. If they did they would never get into a relationship! Most abusive men are more than capable of acting like loving and caring partners, at least in the early stages.

Soggy his behaviour was shockingly aggressive. Whatever argument preceded it does not justify behaviour of this kind. Nothing does. I will repeat what Mistletoe said, read it and digest it:

a decent man would never use physical force and violence against a woman, no matter how bad an argument was, how angry he was, and how much you may have been 'pestering him'. A decent man would also never be verbally abusive in the way your partner was.

That is it, in a nutshell.

Yes he may be taking all of the blame for he, e wants and needs to reel you back in. He will likely also do the 'I had a crap upbringing' or has he already told you that. There are no excuses for the behaviour and taking the blame after the event is easy and it also keeps you onside, I've been there and done it and even stayed after he had pinned on the couch with his hands around my throat......don't listen to him really it will happen again, maybe not for months or even years but he has shown himself capable that is enough for the alarm bells in you head to make you run.

Soggy, so sorry you have been through this. I think your partners behaviour was totally unacceptable and it is something to worry about for the future. However, it does sound from your posts that you have been out a lot with friends in the lead up to xmas and then on this occasion let him believe you were rearranging your night with friends so you could spend a romantic evening with him. I can understand him being pissed off. It doesn't necessary make him manipulative or controlling if he is sick and tired of you always going out with friends and not spending time with him. Let me reiterate that I am not condoning his behaviour at all, just trying to see if from another angle, particularly given soggy's last couple of posts. In any event I do think you seriously need to evaluate his reaction/behaviour.

It's not 50-50 at all.

He would have been reasonable to moan or be annoyed but not use physical force and intimidation.

I'd be very worried about my children's safety. They can be very unreasonable and a big adult man manhandling them would be even more scarier for them than me.

Did you not cancel plans as you subconsciously prefer to be with your friends than with him?

It's very subtle how they isolate you, I remember meeting friends whilst shopping, and knowing they would be "disapproved" of, never mentioned it to him.

It is so slow and barely noticeable at first, and they are SO wonderful the rest of the time, it becomes more and more uncomfortable to do your own thing, that in the end, you stop bothering, and become their prisoner, completely controlled and owned by them, and if you don't like it? Well, you now know, that you will get physically and verbally abused.

The manipulation is emotional abuse.

I wonder how many other abuse boxes this charmer ticks.

Normally I have no time for people trying to excuse violence because the perpetrator happens to be female - but in this case he assaulted you first, and you lashed out only in pain and fear, which is quite understandable. And when you add in what he did afterwards - shoving you, pinning you down and threatening to punch you - it's nothing like 50/50. The way he speaks to you is appalling as well, ordering you about etc. The 'do you understand', 'now get out of my sight' stuff is not how you speak to another adult, least of all your partner!

He sounds like a violent and dangerous man. You should never have to live in fear in your own home. Honestly I would be ending this relationship right now. You're not married to him, your children are not his...what is keeping you with him? Is it his house or yours?

Soggy please click the link below and take the time to read it through.

www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171