Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

Also he moved out ages ago when i cheated and told all his family and our joint friends exactly why- cue me feeling awkward and alienated from them all, still to this day, because I cheated. Yet if he moved back out due to this, I VERY much doubt he would tell them all what hes been up to. And he knows I likely feel too embarrassed and upset to say anything, probably even to my closest friend I mentioned, I just find it impossible to speak about it for some reason. It is irrelevant what other people think, no? So why am I sat here thinking we are going to be judged to death and I will end up with three children and alone. (Not that I remotely regret the children obviously, but it leaves me in a harder situation than is ideal)

it sounds like he's done a really great job of heaping the blame and guilt for what YOU did back then and using that as an excuse for what he's doing now

this will only ever get worse

please call someone who can really help you

OMG you poor woman, your P is disrespecting you and your DD's. the degree of porn he D/L is illegal, I am not a lover of the police, but on this occassion I agree that perhaps you should contact them! you and your children would then be given support by external agencies, my sister was sexually abused as a child and lives with a prat of a P today, simply because she didn't receive help and councelling, therefore her esteem is on the floor. you need help around how you are feeling and you need your self esteem raised. how dare he wank in front of you to porn, vanilla or not, it's totally disrespectful. i, of course do not know the ins and outs of your relationship and no one is 1 dimensional and clearly your P has some redeeming qualities, but sexually he appears to be seriously deviant, and basically sick - he needs help around his feetish behaviour too. I know it is a very difficult time for you, but for your sake the sake of your DD's and even your P's sake you need to blow the whistle on this.

sorry, fettish not feetist.........

OP Im so sorry this is happening. I'll echo what others have said in that fisting is most definitely not normal for most couples in real life but it is in porn.

I think some men convince themselves that what they see in porn is so normal it crosses the boundary from being just porn to, in their mind, advice or even guidance on how to have sex. From not bothering anymore with the lead up ie. hugs / kisses, just expecting the woman to be 'ready' like they are in most porn to thinking fisting is normal.

I dont think this will be the first or last time he does something like this, porn can be a bit like painkillers, sooner or later it takes more and more doses to get you to the level you crave and for porn its more and more extreme images.

Im not so sure I could have this man in my life any longer, infact I know I couldnt and woudnt, but I can see why you are worrying about coping with the new baby without the help. If there is anyone you can ask for help IRL then you must, then this 'man' wont have any kind of hold over you.

Im so very angry for you. I wish you courage and strength of character to get through this. And you will.

If he isn't viewing it on the pc anymore is he on his phone instead?

calling the police really isnt wise, the stress of awkward questions, police going through your house? you really don't need that right now.

The worst thing is that he JOINED a dating website whilst you were pregnant.
Porn is one thing but on that alone I would consider options.

and you cheating has NOTHING to do with this. He made the choice to forgive you and its in the past. And tbh, if he is the sort of person who gets his rocks off watching a woman being raped then I can see why you cheated

I would report him, he is a sick cunt for watching something like that. And i mean both videos not just the rape one. You need to protect your self and your DC. Stop letting him walk all over you and giving you shit excuses about being curious.

Thanks for all replies, I've re-read them and I'm going for a bit to do some thinking and play with DD to cheer me up. I will post at earliest opportunity to any further replies

Good luck op take care

Don't let him blame you: it is not your fault he choose to look at violent porn and dating websites.

A techincal point though: if you want to report this to the police in the future you need to make sure no-one is using the computer. Every time its runs and files are saved (note that even web browsing saves temporary files) then the files you have deleted are more likely to be overwritten. In your shoes I would hide the power cable until I knew what I wanted to do. Whether or not you do want to is up to you, but this ensures you don't loose the option to at a later date.

Two, see you again soon

Not the done thing here I know but HUGS twopeas.

very sorry about what you are going through, it is truly harrowing for you, however if a young woman was drugged, gang raped and the incident filmed, the men doing it NEED to be identified and prosecuted, and for that reason alone you should go to the police without hesitation. If it is genuine footage, who is this woman? does she know what happened to her? Is she ok? would be my motivation for reporting this.

OP have you looked for any hidden folders on the PC? The easiest way to do this if you don't know how to do it already is to go to 'my computer' at the top there is a ? symbol or 'help' button, click this and type 'how to show hidden folders' in the search back, a page will open with a link to click to a page with 'show hidden folders' as a tick box option, itis about half way down the list that pops up. Then you just browse through the files and see if there are any there which weren't there before, I think the hidden folders may be a slightly different shade of yellow to the normal ones, I can't remember for sure. To rehide them you just follow the same steps. It is very easy to create a hidden folder so it might be worth checking as these could just be the 'latest' downloads and he forgot to move them to the hidden folder. I would also log in as admin and change the password to the PC on all accounts so he cannot use it, even sneakily.

I would be highly concerned that there is/was more, some could have been deleted if it's not inside hidden folders. Previous posters are right, using porn can be an addiction and the fact that he is now watching more extreme porn would suggest that he has been using it for a long time, the images he views will escalate further in the future and he will want to see more and more extreme images to get the same 'hit'. It's highly likely that there is more/was more on the computer, I don't know of many porn users who don't have a massive stash saved.

OP I think everyone agrees that action needs taking and I can understand you wanting to hold fire for a bit and get your thoughts in order.

I would second talking to someone in RL who is maybe objective, when you are ready, just be aware that it might kick things off if they feel (rightly or wrongly) that there are Child Protection issues here. Use an anonymous support like Samaritans at first just to talk things over with maybe?

You have to do what's right for you and yours, now, later, whenever but at least you have some different angles on it from this thread.

Enjoy your lovely DD - did the yoghurt go everywhere?

Come back if you need to vent some more,take care.

I would talk to your midwife OP.

This is going to blow up at some point, and you need to start gathering RL support around you, professional support at that.

Get that pc to PC world and whatever may be, may be. They may involve the police, your midwife may have to speak to the police and ss. But there will be support for you.

Now this is a tough thing to say, BUT, this is stuff that is a potential child protection issue. Under age sex, violence, rape, his anger at you, sex dating sites, it's all in your home, on your PC. You HAVE to think about your dc's, and if you do not protect them, someone else may have to.

This stuff becomes normalised, and when it does, your children are in big danger. My first h didn't see what the problem was with my ds seeing him wanking to porn......he thought it was no big deal, and he, as far as I know, was no where near as bad as this.

You KNOW what you have to do don't you? Really, in your heart you know.

If not for you, for your girls, and your baby.

Your thread has me in tears, I am so, so sorry.

Life is rarely black and white, and we all have our limits. But if my DH was wanking to a woman being raped I don't think I could look at his face ever again.

No don't take it to pc world. Just don't. No need at all.

Why not?

Because (and pls note I am not screaming, never have I been) do you really not see while going to the police may be difficult, and we all sympathise and understand it is the right advice to give?

This MUST be addressed at some point, before it is addressed for you! This only ever gets worse.

Gather support around you, distance yourself from his activities, and be seen to be doing the right thing for your children. Get help to do this from the health professionals you have around you.