Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

That's fair enough op, I think most people would understand that stance. It's easy to say what you'd do from a keyboard. Yes they can still find it later.

I wouldn't go to the police. The fall out of that with having a new born might be too much. Being asked to leave will make him realise how awful he has been and say sorry or confirm that family life doesn't suit him. Also he didn't rape anyone, but clearly wanks over the thought of it, so I'm not sure if it is illegal. Pretty sure he is planning on being unfaithful sometime in the future though by looking at teh dating sites and you'll just be wondering when that moment will be and it will really make you feel awful.

I do have sympathy for op if she feels she can't report now but think she should. Either way he needsto be out of her life. I disagee he's not a risk to children, wouldn't want mine being round someone who got turned on watching people be raped

two peas staying with your immediate problem.

I think your reaction is to be expected. At your stage in pregnancy I can only imagine I would be in that inside your head place where you're only thinking about the birth. All this horror therefore is rendering you unable to think or act.

One poster mentioned Women's Aid. I think calling them would be a good idea, talking about this in RL will be so hard and it might be easier if you talk to a properly trained, sympathetic stranger.

Also, and it pains me horribly to even type it, this baby I am pregnant with is a result of me 'giving in' to him whining for sex, when we were technically still split up, but I was so low that I was still seeing a fair bit of him, whilst he was visiting DDs etc. So an accident. I did not want to have sex, but did. And now I could rip my fucking hair out because the way Ive literally just looked at the conception of my baby is horrible and I feel ill. IT WAS NOT RAPE, before anyone starts saying that, because I consented and if memory serves me correctly I didnt mind afterwards, but Ive just thought of it in terms of- "I initially said no, and he badgered till he got it"

I could not be with a person that didn't share my own moral code of conduct. The guy downloaded a disgusting video, I could never respect him again or trust him again.

Sorry to hear that fabby

OP as with the last few you are right to prioritise yourself, your DDs and your baby. Do talk to someone in RL even if its only a helpline. It will help clear your head for action.
As for whether a crime has happened....you will deal with it when you are ready.

How awful. How on earth do you find a way forward when you fear that the person you have built a life with gets off on such things? I wish you the very best with whatever decision you make.

As an aside - forgive me as I have skimmed the thread - have you been checked out re your bleeding after sex and your hip pain? I would advise that if you haven't, that you do.

Fabby Sorry you went through that.

This makes me sad and worried and fearful for you. When I was 20 weeks gone with my first DS I discovered something similarly unpleasant about my (now ex) DH. I'd known he looked at porn and stuff and was fairly used to it - despite us having a very good sex life. But like with you, what I discovered on that occasion crossed a line.

Bottom line is I DIDN'T leave him and I SHOULD HAVE. I was far too scared to leave whilst pregnant, my confidence was rock bottom and I put up and shut up.

A while later, after I'd had my second DS I found he was having an affair - a VERY sordid one.

It doesn't matter how bad you say your sex life is. He has no right to put you through this. If you possibly can, get out of the relationship.

I'm happy, so are my boys and we have a good life now. Most of all - we're safe. I wish you the absolute very best.

Have you requested STD checks during your pregnancy OP? That would be a practical thing to do, because right now you've no idea if he has also been unfaithful, all you know is that he's been attempting it.

I think he's punishing you and has a grudge against women. If you've been on your own before, you can do it again. It will be hard, no-one's denying that, but not impossible and it means you will be free of this torture.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I think whether or not you speak to the police, you need to speak to someone.
I truly wish you the strenght to get through this in the best way you see fit.

I maintain that is is dangerous to have this man around children, or at least enough of a risk that I wouldn't be willing to take it. He likes porn that involves tennagers and (hopefully) simulated rape. If SS knew, they would be in like a shot and so would I. Your children are paramount here. The police can wait, but get away from him. He's messing with your head, is a cheat and a creep and has no respect for women.

Terrible situation OP. I think you have to report at some point. I was going to say after you'd given birth, but seeing as that's approx 11 weeks ago, that might be time the police could use well. Gather your strength and see if you can do it sooner - I believe you can.

*weeks to go

the support on here has been fantastic. I have cried for the first time since finding it all out, since doing this thread. I am sitting here thinking I'm sort of partly missing out on watching my clever little DD eat a yogurt all by herself for first time, because Im not fully concentrating on her as Im having to discuss and get opinions on what to do about her dad being clearly some kind of perverted lying weirdo. The clarification has helped, so thankyou.

And someone put about what would go through my mind if dDs bring their teenage friends home in years to come, THAT has made me think, my fucking goodness has it. Because if there wasnt a problem, I wouldnt even have to consider something as otherwise normal as that would I? Gross.

Also in all the time Ive used mumsnet (not years and years but a good while) I dont recall ever seeing one thread mentioning dating sites, that didnt result in actual cheating.

i was the 1st person to reply, with 'call the police' as i think you need the issue of the download taking out of your control.

you are not responsible for what other people find 'curious' or 'fun'.

you are responsible for you, and keeping your DCs safe.

you know this, deep in your heart, that's why you've posted on a public site, no?

please call someone, WA or similar. this man you are living with is not healthy for you

What you might find helpful is to give yourself permission to end the relationship. I think you've probably been beating yourself up with guilt for your 'sins' and I wouldn't be surprised if you thought this was some sort of horrible karma - you're not a Catholic by any chance?

Give yourself permission then to end this.

There are no medals handed out at the pearly gates for sticking with a relationship that is harming you and your children and all the lovely friends they'll meet, but you'll be too scared to invite round.

It's okay. You are allowed to do this and it would be the right thing.

Bossy it is not to be ignored it absolutely sickening.

However I said is right now the right time? I think she needs to digest this awful shock first before adding more.she is too vunreable. Do we want to add mh issues on top of this?

The op is in shock. There is only so much one person take at a time.

Seeing the father of her children being arrested, her dc asking questions will be like a surreal nightmare.

For the sake of her own mental health and unborn child's let her deal with one thing at a time. I say this from a position of experience.

Report it but report when you are feeling you can cope op.

Yes Ive posted on a public site because in RL the only friend i have who is close enough to talk to about it, is herself heavily into porn, and some fetishes,with her longterm partner, and sees me as a bit closed-minded about the issue. I initially texted to ask her opinion to test the waters, and she basically said the porn is bad but the dating thing is more worrying, I am sure I will end up discussing it with her but feel so sullied by it, I dont know if Im ready to open up face to face. Whereas I actually find myself relatively unworried about him fucking someone else, it would serve me right in a way,and give me the closure to move on, BUT I cannot get the images of that rape film (I saw under 30sec of it in total) out of my mind, i think it will be there forever, the thought of him wanking watching that makes me feel like vomiting, not just a turn of phrase, i mean really nauseous. So thats hit me harder than the fact that hes probably been trying to cheat.

It's two separate issues, so 2 sets of problems.

OP, you are in a terrible situation and I can't even begin to imagine the levels of stress surrounding you at the moment.

Re: calling the police, I think that needs to be a call only you can make. My initial gut reaction was to do, but on thinking a little bit more on it, I wonder how much that will achieve if these videos are, as is most likely, international.

Whilst the rape video is disturbing and vile and awful, I'm not certain what level of offence your OH will have committed by possessing it, although it is revolting to consider that this is what turns him on.

If I were you, I would be FAR more concerned about the "German teens" video as this is the material that's far more likely to get him in trouble with the law. A teen is by definition anyone older than 13 - this could be child porn, OP. And with that in mind, it would be on that basis alone that I would be getting him as far away from my children as quickly as possible.

I know you're scared, but he is trying to normalise completely abnormal behaviour here. And I've not even gotten on to the whole dating and sex sites.

Please believe that you'll be okay, as you said yourself, you've had experience of being on your own and away from him before. Is there anyone in your famliy who can be your birthing partner? Who had you enlisted to look after your 2 DC's whilst you and your OH were originally going to be going through the experience together?

Your friend is an idiot and a man-pleaser. Her advice is worthless.

You feel worse about the rape you saw because you have a highly-developed conscience, but you must stop thinking that him using dating sites and cheating would serve you right. Even if you hadn't cheated, he would have done this anyway. He's looking for ways to punish you though and has doubtless persuaded himself that he is only looking for an affair because he was betrayed (vom). That's bullshit. He did this because he doesn't like women, likes to have power and control over them and deep down, wants to punish them all for liking sex.

Charbon- definitely not catholic, I am agnostic But yes, riddled with guilt over cheating nonetheless.