Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

Sorry xpost with several others.

and Olympia thats what Ive been thinking- am I going to be one of those women who sweeps it under the mental carpet, becasue frankly there is never going to be a 'right' time to escalate this from ruining my brain with dread and worry, to fucking up the home situation, such as it is (ie a total fallacy) Im finding it nigh on impossible to be strong, its taken me this long to post on here and I lurk on MN daily, have been a member for a while etc.

When last night I snapped and made a snippy comment about a dating site ad on TV, he got quite snarly and basically I think that he, underneath it all, thinks hes done nothing wrong because porn isn cheating and looking on dating/sex sites isnt cheating, physically, like I have. Maybe thats a way of making me shut up about it because he knows i a still consumed with guilt over when i did cheat, but cannot prove to him how I had committed myself to staying with him and chaging things

Good to hear fisting is a fetish and not mainstream, whoever posted about that, he said that was downloaded out of curiosity too but then why would he be curious about something thats apparently normal? [anger]

TwoPeas,

It is not your fault this has happened; he has brought this upon himself and he has made conscious choices throughout. No one forced him to go looking for this; he deliberately did so. Quite apart from him downloading a rape film there are also the facts that he has recently joined a dating site and a sex in the UK site!. He went looking for these sites deliberately. If this PC had gone to a computer store to be cleaned up the staff would have reported this activity to the police. I would speak to the police about this matter.

What is a dealbreaker for you?.
Do you actually know this man at all, what do you see when you look at him now?. If there is no trust there is no relationship.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I would argue that he is the primary cause of your low self esteem - such low self worth also keeps you within this. What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

You got together originally when you were 18 (so had very little life experience behind you) and now 7 years later there are two children along with soon to be a third child. He is not your H either and as his partner your own legal position in so many ways is very tenuous.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time - still with him?.

Some of you lot are really silly and outrageous. Why would you call the police ? Its not like he has filmed it. And what is the eveidence that it was a minor ? I doubt the police would care if someone has downloaded a porn video of some girl "acting" drugged. The jails would be crammed full of men in that case.

Yes Because I'm sure the chidren and women who have been raped will be fine with that.
I think the op would be getting more orders to call the police if she thought her h was one of those benefit frauds

Yes but even so, she has no idea of the consequences, I don't think she is ready for what will happen.

She needs to ignore the people ordering her to do something right now, and maybe open this up in rl with a Mw/Hv and go from there for her own sake.

There is nothing to be gained by reporting it to the police, nothing at all. The film could have been from abroad more than likely was and not from the UK at all.

Involving the police could change your lives forever even moreso than this, putting your children on an at risk register all because he downloaded sick porn.

Thats what this is he was turned on by porn that most people would puke over

He might have been watching animal porn but he wasn't.

He saw it liked it downloaded it that is the crux of it and you have to work out if you can be with someone who gets turned on by something like that.

For me the joining the dating sites is worse and that for me would be a deal breaker.

He would have to go.

YOu have some decisions to make, not very nice ones either.

I am delighted you are getting angry- that will give you the energy to do something. You have every right to be angry.
None of my business- but ask yourself why did you cheat- was it something in you telling you that this relationship wasn't right? And it sounds like he (and you) is using this to chain you to him....you did more wrong sort of thing..
But you didnt.
Don't worry today about police etc- that will come when you are ready for it. Get some RL support to talk this over and discuss/discover what are your options.

Bloody hell rhetruth what an awful world you must live in if this is no big deal. Evidence of a rape. So you call the police.

Sorry OP: this is one of the worst things I have read on mn.

It would be a dealbreaker for me and I would not want him around my children I'm afraid.

One thing at a time. Get him out or go away yourself, so you can at least have some space to think things through. Is that possible? Then find people in RL to talk this over with. I hope you find the strength to tell the police and get rid of him for good, but don't feel inadequate for not being to do all these things at once. You are shocked and angry and most likely tired as well. Don't be hard on yourself, but be realistic: this man is a creep and a liar you should not trust him.

I'm quite frankly stunned at those who think it's not a deal breaker.

How safe is it for your two daughters to be growing up in a house with a father that thinks rape is just a bit of harmless fun?

OP I think you know in your heart of hearts that you and DP are finished. Likely were when you strayed and found out the first time he was looking at sites.

Now it's simply a question of logistics.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you've clearly reached the end of the road. Start the separation as soon as you can.

BTW I wouldn't go to the police. Not because I don't think these films are horrific, but simply because right now it'll be too much for you. The images will still be retrievable later.

Easy for you to keep screaming that spb. Not many people are saying that.

Some people have the foresight and common sense to realise, that, this it gonna turn ops life upside down, and it will.

So rather than rush into reporting today, because some screaming harpies are ordering her to. As she is heavily pregnant she would probably be first better off confiding in someone in rl and go from there.

So easy to type orders to an anon on a screen eh?

Stealthbear, did the OP's DH film it ? Why should he be reported ? If the video must be investigated then fine, report the video.

Personally I would speak to the police. I have no idea what they would do or what they can do/can't do. But if there was the slightest chance just one of the women (or girls) on the website could be helped/traced then I would do it.
I always think "How would I feel if this was my daughter?, would I hope that a stranger would do something to help them" Maybe naive I don't know. I couldn't just sit on it and do nothing though. Nor could I have that man in my house.

Because, where have I screamed? You are a bit hysterical.

See, I can see it from the p.o.v of people saying call the police. My initial reaction to his face was "that must be illegal to have". BUT in practical, real life terms, my home situation is on top of me so much now that I honestly cannot see myself reporting it, YET. I have to get my head straight about the things that immediately present to me- eg. giving birth soon, and caring for the other two. I have no technical fear of living alone, we split and I moved house after I cheated, so I can do that part, but not sure if I could if the birth goes wrong/is difficult/ very few people to help with DDs etc. Be that as it may, it still makes me wrong to not report what I believe to be film of genuine rape, yes I am wrong, but thats how it stands FOR NOW. I presume it will be findable on PC if i report now or in X amount of years time? if the pc isnt used. I came on here to look for practical advice in what to actually fucking do, as I am severely shitting myself. I know its a lesser issue to a woman being raped. I need help to form opinions, I do not know why but I have retracted into a zombie state and am going to need some ideas to get through the next few wks, before looking at the larger picture in terms of police involvement etc.

Yes there will be consequences, but you need to know what they could be and decide whether you have the strength of character to follow it through and do the right thing regardless.

The clue is in the title of the film he downloaded. He downloaded something that was billed as real so he might have trouble persuading anyone that he thought it was a 'fake'. If you talk to anyone in a professional capacity, they are duty bound to act. IME, the judicial penalties for someone downloading and storing this vile stuff on to their PCs are depressingly minor, but if convicted his employers might have to be told. Can you prove ownership of the PC yourself? You have the right to know what has been stored, saved and downloaded on to your own PC and a forensic check by a professional will tell you what others have here - there is more. But that person similarly has to act if they find evidence of a crime.

Fabby: there might be something to be agined for the woman who was possibly raped on that film.

Am at the idea that going on a dating site is worse than wanting to watch a rape, simulated or not. What kind of a world do we live in where this is acceptable?

Sorry but its porn sick porn but nothing more than that, the children are not at risk for gods sake how pathetic are some people.

Its not a police matter at all, this is between him and her no more no less.

Firsting of fingering with five fingers is not extreme or even a fetish, you either like it or you dont, just like anal sex isn't a fetish you either are into it or not.

The rape porn is something that is not what you would term normal.

Its not a danger to the children unless they see it, and is not reportable. The video is probably from abroad, Id not report it and have the rath of the old bill on my doorstep whilst pregnant with two children.

How extreme some of these posts are. Get a grip.

Do you have anybody you can talk to about his in RL ? Talking about it on here is only making a little more "real" for you , I do think you need to have a real conversation with someone and hear yourself say he words out loud for it to become more real for you .

Your life is already damaged because of his actions , you now need to start to repair life for yourself and your children with your actions .

Take back control , maybe a telephone counselor would be a good start .

Hi OP. For now, I think you need to rest up and prepare for this baby that you are having. I know it's diffiicult but you will have to put this out of your mind for a few weeks. It's such a stressful time being pregnant and with other children too. You and your partner can wait to sort this out. I know it's not easy but you really should do...put it on the backburner for now, and concentrate on your health.

I had this same scenario - my partner slept with a prostitute, and although I had suspected it, looking back, it did me no good fussing and fighting before the baby was born. I found out five months after my dd was born, so those whole memories were blighted.

The thing is, a positive outcome came out of all of this shit..

I'm at work now, but If you want to talk you can email me.

Or you could ask yourself if you rwally want this kind of man around at one of the most vulnerable times of your life, the kind of man who gets off on seeing women raped (real or acted).
I feel for you, I really do. You must feel as though you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ive been the victim of rape and had it of been filmed and someone saw it Id not want it reported.

Thanks.

Thank you fabbychic, you took the words out of my mouth..