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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy regarding incident btwn DH & DS (10Months) - please tell me what you think

197 replies

StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 19:50

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

A few weeks ago I asked DH to look after DS while I tidied up after tea. He went upstairs with DS, a few mins later I heard DS crying (distressed cry). As I was running up the stairs I heard DH repeatedly saying 'Bye Bye', I got to the top of the stairs - DS was shut in his bedroom, in the dark. DH said 'he's missing his daddy'.

I picked up & cuddled DS & told DH 'NO - he's not missing his daddy - he's bloody scared'
DH told me not to be so silly.

I can't shake off what happened. I would really like to hear what you think about this.

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 14/01/2012 21:17

Please tell your Mum. I hope you can.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 14/01/2012 21:40

Pushing the OP into a corner, whattodo? Hardly. The OP's dh has already shackled her body to the wall and erected bars around her brain.

All we're trying to do is pass her a cake with a file so that she can get out of serving a life sentence and prevent irreparable harm being done to her dc in the process.

Jolyonsmummy · 14/01/2012 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BandOMothers · 14/01/2012 22:11

Have you even READ the thread Joly?? And the OPs other thread?

BandOMothers · 14/01/2012 22:15

OP why have you not tried womens aid again? And called the police? You ask "Does this mean it's really happening?" there are at least 20 people on here urging you to DO something!

garlicfrother · 14/01/2012 22:26

Please do try Womens Aid again. sweetheart. Or Respect - supposedly a helpline for abusive men, but many women here have had amazing advice from them.

Glad your mum's coming. As she's already let you know she's not that keen on your control freak, it's pretty much a given she can't stand him: parents rarely tell you they dislike your partner. I'd tell her, throw yourself on her mercy :)

The reason I haven't joined in all the police/SS shouting - along with the fact I wouldn't shout at an abuse target - is that, unless I've missed crucial info on a previous thread, I don't think they'll do anything apart from putting you on watch. He's bullied your DCs, which is bad parenting, and his insistence on invading their privacy/dignity is very worrying. I think you'll get more mileage out of Womens Aid, your old counsellor, and possibly your HV depending on what s/he is like. When you can talk with an outside agency that understands, things will start slotting into place.

Please do reach out for support, SBT. People will listen. People will help.

joruth · 14/01/2012 22:27

SBT I am 42. I thought i would never leave (different abuse but still abuse) you can do it, you should do it whilst this is still live in your mind and before he gets back into your head and makes you doubt yourself.

He will only get worse.

When you are out you will be able to think, feel and hope again. It is worth the fear and the pain and the poverty.

No-one in this country will starve to death or die of exposure with their children...get to a refuge or go home with your mum, call the police. Get out.

You can do it...or your children will be groomed and writing on MN in 20 years time about how their Mum let them be put through this.

Come on, I am a coward and I have done it. You can too.

garlicfrother · 14/01/2012 22:28

:) joruth :)

crunchbag · 14/01/2012 22:31

SBT maybe you could let your mum read this thread if you don't think you can talk to her. But please talk to someone, you have nothing to be ashamed about!

savoycabbage · 14/01/2012 22:37

I have a friend who is abused by her dh, I have known her for three years. She is always planning to flee but talks constantly of mortgages and joint accounts. They own three houses, well he does, and she is always waiting waiting waiting for something.

She thinks she won't manage without him. She says she won't be able to pay a bill as she doesn't know how to do it. She doesn't even know how to put petrol in the car as he doesn't let her do that.

He's conditioned her into thinking that she won't manage. That nobody will believe her and that nobody will help her. She is ashamed. If her mum knew she would help her, her friends are all ready to help. It is utterly heartbreaking.

malinkey · 14/01/2012 22:42

SBT - well done for coming this far. Are you able to talk to your mum about stuff in general or is there any reason why you wouldn't be able to talk to her about this?

It sounds like that man has had you so bamboozled that you've believed all his crap for so long that you think it's somehow your fault. It's not you know. YOU haven't done anything wrong, it's all him. You have nothing to be ashamed of and all the things he's threatened you with are bollocks. And what kind of person would threaten someone with stuff like that? You're just coming out of the fog of his brainwashing and if you keep going and ask for help you'll find it is complete rubbish and he really has no hold over you.

Please ask someone for help. You'll be amazed that people really will be on your side.

soexciteddontwanttowait · 14/01/2012 23:08

Please keep trying Women's Aid they're great and they really can help.

0808 2000 247

(FWIW I agree CAB can be useless sometimes. I've never forgiven them for making me wait 45 minutes in sub-zero conditions / snow with my very young baby, for an appointment to make an appointment! Why that couldn't have been done on the phone I don't know Angry)

whattodoo · 14/01/2012 23:25

Ok izzywhizzywinterwarmer, "pushing into a corner" wasn't the right phrase for me to use, I agree.
What i was clumsily trying to say to SBT is that we on this thread are wanting to encourage her to take action.
I know from personal experience that when you are worn down and exhausted by a bully, and others are telling you what you should do, it can feel a bit overwhelming and rushing along at a pace you have no control over. I can understand the urge to want to slow down, make excuses and attempt to buy time to gather your thoughts.
I think that all, if not most of us see the urgency of this situation but I wanted to let SBT know that we appreciate this is a very hard time for her and we understand her trepidation.
Anyway, OP, i hope you will keep posting and taking support from this thread, and strongly urge you to confide in your mum and keep trying women's aid.

Jnice · 15/01/2012 00:10

I left a violent man, it took me 3 years. I didn't have kids then. That puts a whole different spin on it.

SBT - I know you have no confidence, I know you're scared, but yet his goes beyond you. If I knew you in rl and I knew this was going on and with my help you still wouldn't leave I would be calling SS myself. You must find your inner strength, all mums have it. Make things right for your children.

lazarusb · 15/01/2012 12:09

I don't know if your dcs are at school or not but you could speak to the Child Protection Officer there. Or your GP. If you can't say it out loud,write it down.

People will support you. Your mum will. Getting away is hard but you will never, ever regret it. You are doing well OP, you've come so far. Now run with it.

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 15/01/2012 19:53

he wants the details of my counsellor - to put her straight on a few things, because he says i should feel ashamed of what i have told her, that i have no self respect, if he were like me making those accusations, he could not live with himself.

he knows which organisation she works for, i told him once before when he wanted to talk to he to phone up himself. he now wants her phone number & details of where he can meet her. it's a control thing - he frequently asks he for this, that - fetch this, that & i don't, i'm then accussed of making everyones life very difficult - he has told ds this & ds has repeated it to me, that i am not very helpful. dripping pioson in his ear?

he says i am a laughing stock, that i am making everything up, no one will believe me.

he is watching tv at the moment, i'm in the loo, dc's in bed.

OP posts:
garlicfrother · 15/01/2012 19:54

How DARE he try to control your counsellor and your innermost thoughts & feelings Angry

garlicfrother · 15/01/2012 19:57

Oh, and tell him to make a fucking appointment "if he wants counselling".

He's already damaging your son, you see that don't you?

Of course people will believe you.

What a horrid man.

susiedaisy · 15/01/2012 20:10

This bloke is unbelievable vile and rotten to the core, I hope you can remove your dc and yourself from him in the end op

solidgoldbrass · 15/01/2012 20:17

Fob him off for the moment, then contact your counsellor yourself and warn him/her what is going on. Then smile sweetly and hand over the details to Shitbag. Didn't you say your counsellor is already aware that your H is abusive? S/he will be able to deal with him and help you.
Please think how everyone on MN has reacted: we all understand that this man is a horrible, dangerous, creepy individual. So does your mum. So do the DV experts you've already spoken to. When he says he will tell everyone that you are mad and lying, remember that they will NOT BELIEVE HIM. You have been so worn down by him that you are inclined to think he has superpowers and complete control, and this is NOT TRUE. Let him talk to outsiders all he wants, it will show them that he is dangerous and abnormal.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 15/01/2012 20:23

When is your dm arriving?

As soon as she's in the house and he's out of it, phone the police - it's the only call you need to make and they WILL take what you say about his interaction with the dc seriously.

As for your counsellor, you don't need to warn her that he'll try to make contact with her as you are unlikely to be the first victim of a controlling and abusive man that she's encountered.

Save your phone time for the making the one call that really matters.

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 15/01/2012 20:42

He has just left - said he will be back in a few days (!?) he is probably staying at a friends. I couldn't believe it, but he has gone, I have just walked around the house to check if he is hiding anywhere. I have double locked the doors from inside.

My mum arrives tomorrow. I have a lot to do. I need to find a good solicitor - failing that - any solicitor to get a free half hour of advice. I will phone as soon as ds is at school. H says he will send me an email (??) regarding my behaviour, as he can't talk sense into me. Good. Evidence.
I am going to move all paperwork to a safe place. I have my own bank account, also a long forgotten isa I could use if need be - was supposed to be for emergencies (thanks, dad).

Maybe I can talk to my HV - she was really good, haven't seen her in ages, has a no nonsense attitude. I really clicked with her. I think I can see her on Wed.

I have to do everything by the book. I feel like running as far as I can from here, but ds has school & my oldest at college.

Thank you for all your help. I am going to get an early night. x

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 15/01/2012 20:44

I'm pleased you came back OP, it must feel like the biggest hurdle in the world to make that call or tell your DM, but I promise you the second you do all the weight will be taken of your shoulders and you will be looked after, by your DM, social services, police, everyone who you may deal with. And trust me no one can hide their financial assests nowadays, when you seperate you solicitors etc will find all of your H's money/property etc. You don't have to sort this out before you leave, you can walk out with nothing and then get your money back later.

I second the earlier poster, if you want us to look for solicitors/police/hostel numbers etc send a pm and I will google for you.

Squeezing your hand.

stripeysails · 15/01/2012 20:48

You must protect your children. You can call the police on the non-emergency number. Tell them what you've told us and they will deal with your partner. They will believe you and you'll never need to have him in the house again.

I know that your partner's made you think that you're not up to coping on your own and has threatened to discredit you by telling people your unstable etc but that's what he wants you to think so that you don't challenge him. Believe me, this quite typical behaviour of an abuser.

You are not alone, there's help available if only you'd reach out for it. When you do, I think you'll wish you'd done it a long time ago.

garlicfrother · 15/01/2012 20:51

H says he will send me an email (??) regarding my behaviour, as he can't talk sense into me. Good. Evidence. Grin Oh, well done you!! That's independent thought :)

I bet it is hard to believe he's not there! Don't blame you for double-locking. Her's hoping your mum arrives safely and well, you manage to talk to all the right people ... get all the luck and a following wind. Sleep well.