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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy regarding incident btwn DH & DS (10Months) - please tell me what you think

197 replies

StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 19:50

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

A few weeks ago I asked DH to look after DS while I tidied up after tea. He went upstairs with DS, a few mins later I heard DS crying (distressed cry). As I was running up the stairs I heard DH repeatedly saying 'Bye Bye', I got to the top of the stairs - DS was shut in his bedroom, in the dark. DH said 'he's missing his daddy'.

I picked up & cuddled DS & told DH 'NO - he's not missing his daddy - he's bloody scared'
DH told me not to be so silly.

I can't shake off what happened. I would really like to hear what you think about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 12/01/2012 07:08

thank you so much for all this advice. i am going to take ds to school & then go to the CAB with the baby. then spend the rest of the day at my mums.

womens aid - i couldn't get through.

no - i don't have mental health issues - only in DHs eyes [hmmm]

won't get much chance to post today - everyone is getting up now.
thanks

OP posts:
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/01/2012 07:24

SBT, at the moment there aren't any inpatient psychiatric beds available in the south of England. My friend is trying to move her DH who was admitted on a voluntary process at the weekend after a suicide attempt. He was admitted to the only available bed and she's been trying to move him more locally since but there are no beds, she works in the field very closely with a couple of psychiatric units so knows the system and is getting nowhere. He hasn't been sectioned though knows if he tries to leave that the police will be called and he will be. This is after taking a large number if tablets that he believed would kill him. He absolutely will not be able to section you. As others have said you would have to be deemed to be a risk to yourself .

Forget sectioning and the fact you were abused. The fact that in your mind these things are an issue, show how abusive he actually is.

HoudiniHissy · 12/01/2012 07:42

Another one offering a hand to hold. All the best for today.

Proudnscary · 12/01/2012 07:54

Good luck today Strange, we're on your side.

whattodoo · 12/01/2012 08:15

Morning SBT. Glad you've got a plan, that's really good news.
Don't give up with women's aid. From what I hear they can give brilliant support.
And I don't want to put you off, but don't be surprised if CAB aren't able to offervimmediate advice - you may find they ask you to book an appointment. WA are possibly your best immediate option.
Have you confided in your mum?

misty0 · 12/01/2012 08:15

Another hand here. And a ((hug))

Stick to your guns SBT.

Dont let this turn into just words on a page. We're all real people and we're all behind you 100% Smile

boredandrestless · 12/01/2012 08:25

Strange hope you make some progress today, you should put aside the worries of your own abuse being disclosed (he is holding this threat over you and that in itself shows him as an abuser, any decent human wouldn't even contemplate using this threat) and the worry of him trying to get you sectioned, he is rather deluded if he thinks he can get you sectioned just on his say so. Hmm

If you can I would make contact again with the therapist you were seeing, they may be able to see you again which would be hugely helpful to you as you go through this, and they may also be able to put you in touch with local agencies or other avenues of support such as a local DV charity.

Your instincts on this are right, and you are all in danger the longer you stay there. You say he has never been violent but if he realises what you are contemplating this may change. Considering and planning to end a relationship with an abusive partner is a very dangerous time.

inatrance · 12/01/2012 09:57

Just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing Strange, he sounds scary and I can't imagine where your head must be right now. Please, please TRUST your instincts, they are there to protect you.

Good luck for today, you can do this.

NettleTea · 12/01/2012 10:15

If you cant get through to WA then I know alot of ladies have had help from RESPECT, who normally deal with abusive men, but as they dont tend to ring.....
they have some fantastic helpline support and they really understand how the abusive mind works, and they are much easier to get hold of than wa at times
0800 802 4040 Monday - Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm

AllTheSevens · 12/01/2012 10:22

This gets worse and worse.

He sounds like a sinister and abusive character.

Stick to your resolve and get him out of your house or leave with the DC- he is harming your children.

Good luck with CAB, hope they have some good advice for you.

Please don't let him hold your past abuse over you, there's not much he can do with the information. It just shows his horrible nature, that he would use something like that against you. He can't just say you're mad and get you sectioned either, or take the DC.

catherinea1971 · 12/01/2012 10:25

SBT, I remember your last thread and how it made my blood run cold the same as this one has.
It isn't easy to start the process of getting out of a relationship like this, he will have conditioned you over the years to keep you with him.
Being 40 isn't too old to start again, I don't think there is an upper age limit on getting your life back. And that is what you will do by cutting this excuse for a man out of yours and your dc's lives.
I will be another who will hand hold for you here through this process.
Like others have said keep trying WA or google your nearest womens refuge, they should be able to put you in touch with the correct help.

Labradorlover · 12/01/2012 11:43

I also read your last thread. I rarely post in Relationships, but the last thread and this one was too close to home for me.
Your H sounds like a cruel bully and control freak at the very least. I had a father who did all the bath, dressing stuff. And come and lie down with me. Along with sexual, physical and emotional stuff, he seemed to get off on scaring me. The worst was smothering me with a pillow when I was sleeping and then claiming if my mum heard, that I'd been having nightmares.
I never told my mum anything. I was too scared.
Please get yourself and your children away from this man.

oreocrumbs · 12/01/2012 12:10

Just checking in, I'm pleased you are going to see CAB. I've been thinking about you all night.

How is your H with your older DC? And how is your relationship with their father? Do you think he could be someone you could approach with this?

Also do you feel you could speak to DS's teacher about it? Another point of help.

And the therapist you were seeing - could you go back to her?

As you can see other posters have sadly been in similar situations, you are not the only one, nor are you to blame.

I know you have a lot to process and take in, but just remember there are people here for you, in RL and on here if that is any comfort.

lazarusb · 12/01/2012 17:44

Please keep posting SBT, we are all here for you. There are a lot of us here who have escaped abuse. It felt insurmountable to us at the time too. Please protect yourself and your children. He sounds like a classic abuser (imo), insidious threats, blaming you. Holding abuse over you which was never your fault.
Yoga woman 1 - brave post. I hope the OP has read it well. You are so strong and I'm glad that you have found a life now which gives you the love and support you clearly deserve.

Spuddybean · 12/01/2012 18:29

Hi Op

I just wanted to say my dad used to shut me in dark rooms when i was a baby. when i got older he would lock the bathroom door and turn the lights out when i was on the loo. I was frightened of china dolls after my parents showing me a scary programme about them coming to life - so dad would put china dolls in the end of my bed when i was asleep so when i woke up they would be beside me. He would hold the door shut as i was screaming and begging to be let out.

He used to tell me mum had left us and didn't want to see me again, then mum would come home from work and find me beside myself.

Dad would laugh and say i was just a baby. He never denied doing it though and mum would tell me 'he has a sick sense of humour' and to ignore him. I was a very anxious child and still am as an adult.

Dad maintained he was always 'joking', but the truth is he was jealous of attention i got from mum and wanted to punish us both. I'm sure this was subconscious but it was still cruel nonetheless.

Oh and i just never had a sense of humour Hmm

Proudnscary · 12/01/2012 18:38

Jeez Spuddy - I have shivers. What a cunt. I'm so sorry.

Gay40 · 12/01/2012 18:43

Why are there so many men who enjoy torturing children? I can't think of anything less funny than terrorising a child.

I don't get the jealous thing either. Why on earth would a mature adult be jealous of their own child? When I look at DP - who puts DD first and quite rightly, as I do myself - having lovely times and cuddles and silly conversations, I just feel an overwhelming sense of love for them both.

Spuddybean · 12/01/2012 18:49

The thing is i feel more angry with mum for not protecting me. It was easier for her to say it was a joke than address it. She would do anything for an easy life - including letting dad bully me.

These are also seen as 'family jokes' so dad will say to me 'remember what a baby you used to be about china dolls/the dark'? and then piss himself laughing, and mum will smile endearingly at us as if we are all sharing a waltons moment!

He even has told DP's and friends about it thinking they would find it funny - but they are Shock

and then we ALL have no sense of humour and are middle class lefties.

Spuddybean · 12/01/2012 18:54

Dad is a Narc and it is about power. When i got to my teens it was worse. He would pull all my clothes out of my wardrobe and make me hang them back up. He had lost his job in the recession and felt powerless and mum and i were easy to dominate, to make himself feel like he was at least in charge of someone i suppose.

He also feels women are possessions of men. He does love me, but only as much as he can love anything.

I accept his limitations now.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 12/01/2012 19:35

I'm at a loss to understand why you are fannying around planning to go to the CAB, whose services are oversubscribed and whose branches frequently operate an appointment system, when the one and only call anyone needs to make in cases of suspected or actual child sexual abuse is to the police.

Perhaps you intend to make contact with the police when you are at your dm's home?

Gay40 · 12/01/2012 19:55

Just more delaying tactics...fuck knows why.

CailinDana · 12/01/2012 20:14

If you think about it logically SBT, his threats to reveal the abuse you suffered make absolutely no sense. Firstly, who will he "reveal" it to? If he said it to the police they would just give him a funny look and wonder what he was on about - how would the abuse you suffered as a child have anything to do with the fact that he's abusing your children now? If anything it would probably make the police more sympathetic towards you. Also there's no way on earth he can have you sectioned - how do you think he would go about that?

I was abused as a child (not by my father) and my mother partially facilitated it. She would claim now that she knew nothing about what was going on but I don't accept that, a normal parent would not have made the decisions she made. I can't ever forgive her for it. I talk to her but deep down I have something close to hatred for her. I certainly don't love her. Not any more. Do you want that to happen with your children? You know your husband is fucked up in the head, yet you're allowing him near your children. That sort of neglect is very hard to forgive, believe me.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 12/01/2012 20:17

1 - your posts have made my stomach churn. Get your DC out NOW!

2 - I can say with absolute certainty that your husband cannot section you. FFS my friend couldnt even get her DB sectioned after numerous suicide attempts and a seriously long history of mental illness and depression.

Quite apart from the fact there are hardly any places available...

BandOMothers · 12/01/2012 20:25

I wonder if she'll come back at all.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2012 20:34

Phoenix came back when she'd done the deed, which a lot of us thought she wouldn't do or at least wouldn't do any time soon. That was terrific. Fingers crossed that SBT manages to do the same. It might take time though. It's one hell of a thing to process.

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