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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy regarding incident btwn DH & DS (10Months) - please tell me what you think

197 replies

StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 19:50

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

A few weeks ago I asked DH to look after DS while I tidied up after tea. He went upstairs with DS, a few mins later I heard DS crying (distressed cry). As I was running up the stairs I heard DH repeatedly saying 'Bye Bye', I got to the top of the stairs - DS was shut in his bedroom, in the dark. DH said 'he's missing his daddy'.

I picked up & cuddled DS & told DH 'NO - he's not missing his daddy - he's bloody scared'
DH told me not to be so silly.

I can't shake off what happened. I would really like to hear what you think about this.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/01/2012 20:13

Something about this doesn't sit right with me at all.

And I'm certainly not someone who scaremongers at the first sign of something 'out of place', but I would be questionning quite seriously whether I trusted this man to be alone with my child.

Very odd indeed.

DaydreamDolly · 11/01/2012 20:14

Very very odd. I'm sorry op Sad

Is this the first instance of cruel behaviour he has shown?

BandOMothers · 11/01/2012 20:18

OP has another thread about her "DH" insisiting he wipe her 8 year old DS bottom.

Hmm Only 4 posts from OP in all.

Gay40 · 11/01/2012 20:20

Your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong. No amount of describing what happened and getting opinions will mitigate. You know that something is wrong and therefore it is, even if you can't exactly put your finger on it.
NEVER ignore your instinct, even when logic says otherwise.

scarletforya · 11/01/2012 20:22

I remember the other thread. What are you still doing with this person OP. He seems sadistic.

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 20:24

yes, that's me, bandO.

this was a man who I trusted. I am now trying to work out, if I divorce, can i trust him with DCs??

i very rarely ask DH to look after Ds as he seems very detached from him. difficult to explain. once i came home to find ds in the high chair crying & dh on the computer in another room.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 20:25

are instincts ever wrong? or are they there to protect you?

OP posts:
DaydreamDolly · 11/01/2012 20:26

I think instincts are there to protect you OP. And you are there to protect your DC's.

Jnice · 11/01/2012 20:27

Horrible. OP please don't leave your kids alone with him until you get to the bottom of his behaviour. It sounds really disturbing.

GypsyMoth · 11/01/2012 20:27

This is worrying. Very.

I suggest you start keeping a diary, and have a long hard think about this man!

Sorry you are going through this

NanBullen · 11/01/2012 20:31

by the sounds of it you don't have to rely on instinct alone. You know that your husband has left your son crying in a dark room, and also alone in a highchair for god knows how long.

These are facts and tbh I would not have a man like this anywhere near my children. I know this is easy for me to say as i'm not in your situation but once you have children, they have to be your priority.

BandOMothers · 11/01/2012 20:31

OP you had a lot of extreme things to say about him here and now that you are posting about him again and asking what to do...despite having support from a councellor I am wonderning why the hell you are even in the same house as him with your DC???

If you are for real and I sadly supsect you are, then you need to call a women's crsis centre and get the hell out of that house NOW!

BandOMothers · 11/01/2012 20:32

Don't leabe the DC with him alone ever again...your last thread and thr responses there should have been enough for you to know that.

Why are you there? Why can't you leave and get your DC safe?

kunahero · 11/01/2012 20:32

Not right! Red Flag. I've been a dad for 19 years have a 3 yo dd and would never ever ever consider shutting her in a dark room alone even for a 'joke'. Once j get home from work dd has my full attention til bed time. DW never has to ask me to play with or look after her.
There is something seriously amiss with this man.
ALARM BELLS RINGING LOUDLY

BandOMothers · 11/01/2012 20:33

And a lot more besides nan

BandOMothers · 11/01/2012 20:34

And no. You cannnot trust him and probably need to seek legal advce to keep him away.

Gapants · 11/01/2012 20:44

op is you DH the sons biological father? Is your DH aware that he needs to work on bonding with DS?

WTF about the bum wiping? sorry to do the whole thread about a thread thing...but he "insisted" to wipe his or your DDs bum?

garlicfrother · 11/01/2012 20:46

Hi, SBT. I've just had a look at your other threads and am quite impressed that you've been considering divorce. The snippets you've shared about your H sound like a particularly unpleasant kind of abuser, who works carefully behind the scenes to manipulate those around him to his wishes. It does take moral courage - and decent support, usually - to get enough detachment from this to end the relationship. You're doing very well.

No, you're not exaggerating. Nearly all abuse sounds "trivial" if you just look at single incidents. It's the overall pattern that tells the truth, and that's what your instincts are alerting you to.

I'm wary of reading too much into small amounts of information but, frankly, what you've posted is weird. So's the teeth-cleaning thing! Absolutely nobody (sane) measures intimacy by companiable tooth-brushing!

Did you manage to get away over the holidays? How was it?

BandOMothers · 11/01/2012 20:47

All that needs to be said Ga i that OP seems adept at not listening to advice and yet sharng upsetting details freely. And then going away.

Dodgy.

garlicfrother · 11/01/2012 20:51

Please don't do that, BOM. She may very well be struggling against fear & conditioning. If it were easy for everyone to leave abusive partners, the abusers would never get anyone to abuse ... which is why they mess with their targets' minds, to make them doubt their own judgement.

Gapants · 11/01/2012 20:51

bandofmothers just read the other thread. Horrid.

op you need to stop posting such details and get some RL help to get yourself far far away from this man.

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 21:24

I was away between christmas and new year. i have been with DH for 10 years.

garlic - yes, my head is a mess.

am i being ott with the dcs??? am i being the too protective mum??

i had counselling which i have now stopped, dh said only weak people have counselling. he was really angry when i related back to him what the counsellor had said. he said only people who want a divorce have counselling.

being away from him was the best time i have had in a long time, i flet so strong & happy.

i don't know which way to turn dh is older than me, i have looked up to him, he always seemed to be 'my rock'. but i don't know anymore.

OP posts:
BayPolar · 11/01/2012 21:25

Why are you still with this creepy man?

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 21:28

BandO - yes, i listen, i take a while to process the (invaluable) advice

OP posts:
Gay40 · 11/01/2012 21:33

Well, while you process away, your DH is planning on how to abuse your entire family right under your nose.
It's time to go. It's time to stop letting him terrorise your baby and stop him fiddling about with your son's arse. It's time to stop letting him have sex with you while he pretends you are a little girl.
If you let this continue for one moment more, you are as complicit in the abuse as he is.
Get. Out.