Feeling uneasy regarding incident btwn DH & DS (10Months) - please tell me what you think

[StrangeButTrue]

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

A few weeks ago I asked DH to look after DS while I tidied up after tea. He went upstairs with DS, a few mins later I heard DS crying (distressed cry). As I was running up the stairs I heard DH repeatedly saying 'Bye Bye', I got to the top of the stairs - DS was shut in his bedroom, in the dark. DH said 'he's missing his daddy'.

I picked up & cuddled DS & told DH 'NO - he's not missing his daddy - he's bloody scared'
DH told me not to be so silly.

I can't shake off what happened. I would really like to hear what you think about this.

Yes, you can do it :) Well done, you!

I started a new life at 40 - I messed up by marrying a different kind of abuser, but I certainly did start a new life and had some fantastic times until XH2. The Freedom Programme didn't exist back then, I had little understanding of what was going on. But I still had a good life. With the support that's available now, you'll be flying.

If you tell him it's over and he should move, how angry is he likely to be?
Also, please remember that whatever you own is owned equally & jointly. You're married. That means he's liable to hide assets from you (I see you already suspect this) and also that you're entitled to help yourself as you need to.

You may decide you can take enough to be getting on with, and don't need so much after all. You really could do with a solicitor with relevant experience, and a counsellor I think. Calling Women's Aid's a good idea. They'll help you sort your ideas out and can recommend lawyers.

oreo - h's reaction would be to try to section me.

Not posted for over a year but this post has really got to me.

OP, from what you have posted it's pretty clear you have to put a full stop to this. It makes no difference what properties you own, nor about juggling logistics (controllers drive this into a mind set, bassically so "you" can't see the wood for the trees).

With out doubt if you could go back in time and put your self right here how things are for you now you would shake your head and walk whilst dialing CAB.? But life like you have described is like a dripping tap, it erodes and changes how things seem.

Take yourself and your life out of the equation, what advice logically would you post on MN to this life?

SBT: You can do it. You can get him removed from the house. You could pick up the phone tomorrow and call Social Services and say 'My husband is sexually abusing our children and has threatened me.' The police will come and arrest him and take him away and you can get an injunction to prevent him from returning to the house. The fact that you were abused as a child does not mean that another abuser is entitled to own you and your DC. It does not mean that you are an unfit mother or a bad person.
Please hear this: This man is full of shit. He's a horrible person and NO ONE will listen to him or believe him or let him have custody of the DC. He does NOT have superpowers. Talk to all the professionals who are already involved, tell them you are afraid of him, that he is obsessed with the children's bottoms and genitalia, that he likes frightening them... You will be given lots of help to get rid of him. WIth a bit of luck he will be put in prison.
Does he have his own computer? Is it one that you are not allowed to see? You could also tell the professionals that you suspect he is looking at child-abuse imagery, that should be enough to get him locked up for a good long time. (If he has a computer of his own it is very likely that he really is looking at child abuse imagery on it).

Have you access to his computer? Can you look to see if he is storing anything on there such as Internet history pictures etc? You also say he isn't back till tomorrow. Is he at work? Everyone has the power to rebuild their lives. You can do it!! Just make the first move. Just remember that every day you are fully aware of his actions. You are damaging your children's childhood and their dignity and will make growing up difficult. Plus the chances of them rejecting you more as you allowed it(in their eyes). Just get out of it!!!! For their sake if anything else. Be strong!!

YOU LOT are going to change my life. thank you.

I am scared. very.

umm can you hold my hand?

I can only imagine how hard this is for you but as others have said, PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN - NOW. This will damage them for the rest of their lives unless you take action straight away.

We are all going to hold your hand but now you need to make the move

Sorry X post - yes there are lots of people on here who don't know you but who care adn are rooting for you x

Absolutely. He does not have superpowers.

It's enough to end a marriage because you're unhappy / feel controlled / don't like the way he bullies your children. it's enough. You don't have to get all CSI about it.

Given what your counsellor said, I assume there's more - and I'm also assuming this amounts to a accretion of seemingly-small incidents, which form a sinister whole. You're still not likely to have emergency vehicles screeching up to your house unless you're in immediate physical danger. I do, though, strongly recommend ringing Women's Aid. It does you a power of good to talk with a woman who understands perfectly. They won't force you to action - but I bet they can tell you what he says and does! They're that good :)

You have time to box clever, yes. But you do need to rally real-life support. It's available; just ask. You're doing really well, you know.

Do you have access to the joint bank account? Could you withdraw enough to go away and then contact legal advice?

I don't think its very easy to section someone. Do you have any mental health issues? Are you seeing a doctor for depression etc?

If you don't feel able to flee or stand and fight him right now, then I suggest you make an appointment with your GP or HV and go and tell them everything. They will help, will get in touch with the relevant people etc, and they are completely confidential. You must be sure you can keep your DC away from him though.

Please please don't feel these people would think you an unfit mother or compliant to abuse or anything like that. They are experienced in dealing with these situations, which sadly are more common than most of us realise. From the outside looking in it is much clearer than from living inside the fogg. Your H is abusing you too.

Tell them everything, including that he is using your own child abuse to control you.

I think everyone on this thread would he your hand, help you pack and walk you as far away from this man as possible if we could.
Please go, your house is just bricks and plaster, but your children are what need protecting. Just go now before something happens that you will regret forever

Don't tell all the abusers, but that "You're crazy" thing they use is a real bonus to their target! See, you can agree with him - yes, dear, I wonder if you have a point, what shall I do? Do I need a therapist??? Most of then say yes. So you go and get one (recommended by Womens Aid) and a solicitor while you're at it. And he's happy about it

His Weirdness had better make his mind up, SBT! Either you're mentally ill and do need a therapist - or your counsellor was a charlatan and there's nothing wrong with you. Can't have it both ways.

Where underhand manipulators are concerned, I'm a big fan of "Yes dear". And a journal. Both help to clear your head.

I'll hold your hand. Squeeze it whenever you feel the need.

Please take the advice given on this thread. Take it to give yourself and your DCs a more healthy and ultimately happy future.

Oh my goodness. for you.

I have no experience or advice but see that others have posted some brilliant advice and I KNOW you will find the strength to take it.

Sending you my support too x

StrangeButTrue, you can do it. You can leave him. I know it is so so difficult and every relationship is different and there will be ways in which you need him and maybe even still love him and can't imagine life without him - things seem so black and white here on MN and when you talk to womens aid etc, then you go home and see this man that you have loved who seems a bit pitiful and probably makes you laugh and things seem normal and you think maybe you were overreacting - but make sure you keep that perspective and have the courage of your convictions. you WILL be better off without him and you NEED to get him away from your children. (Sorry for shouting) keep posting, people here can help you x

i just read your other post. I'm seriously concerned about what could have happened to your youngest that made him cry out in distress. i think you need to get away asap and never let your children be alone with your DH...

Pls get away from your house. I had an abusive x. The only way I cleared my head was when I finally got away. My ex through my 3 month old accross the room and I didn't have the courage to stop him. Then he threatened to urinate on our dd unless I stopped feeding her to satisfy his needs. Pls pls pls protect your children

Strange but true please can you talk this over with Women's Aid?

You don't have to give your name and they're great, they really are.

Their number is 0808 2000 247, please call them.

I have to go to bed but please keep posting if you want to, sometimes things look clearer in black and white.

Stay strong - you are strong, you have taken the first steps already by asking for advice here.

I can't begin to imagine how confused and afraid you must be, so take a breath and let everything sink in. It will slowly click into place.

We are all here to hold your hand, and feel free to pm me if you want to say things you don't want to put on the thread - I don't know you and I won't judge you.

strangebuttrue - I just read this and the other threadabout the bum wiping. I know it's already been said but your children are in danger and you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Please get help now - don't wait for this to get worse.

People told you this a month ago, don't wait any longer.

Good luck - be strong.

Yes you can start again at 40! I'm nearly 50, I've had to move countries in my time. I've seen great strength in adults whose lives were devasted and they rebuilt them.

I'm wondering where this section threat come from? Do you have a history of severe mental health problems? You know that beds are so short in psychiatric wards these days that for someone to be sectioned they have to be a serious and active risk to themselves or others. Even if your H was clever enough to manipulate someone into forcing you into an assessment (and that is really rare), there is no way you would be "locked away" for more than the time it took to assess and observe you, not even a night probably.

You do not have to keep the secret that you were abused, it is not your shame, it is the abuser's shame. People who were abused do not have their children removed as a matter of course. Children who are exposed to current risk though might in some circumstances be removed so the longer you stay with him, the more you are actually risking losing them. Didn't you mention that you have a 22 year old DS? How do you get on with him? Can he help you?

Strange, I have just signed up to mumsnet so I could post on your thread. I felt sick to my stomach to read what your husband is doing to your and your children. I was the child of a step father that did similar things to me and his behaviour got worse. Not to say your H will necessarily get worse - every case is different but his behaviour could end up having a profound long term effect. I will share my story. I do not doubt that you are doing the right thing to protect yourself and your children from this man.

My stepfather did things to frighten me and undermine my confidence as a child, usually when my mum was not present - not as a punishment, but quite randomly. They started off very much as your H is at the moment. To give an example - being locked in the cupboard in the dark (very much like your 10 month old in his room), or being forced to stand on a high piece of furniture that was wobbly and making me feel terrified I would fall - he would mock my fear. He would also pretend to be a strong man and as part of his 'act' would pick me up with one hand, to gain contact with my genitals - this activity peaked around aged 7-8. I struggled with life at that time and sometimes secretly cried myself to sleep. As a teenager, his methods became more subtle and he tried to watch me undress, spied on me in the bath, undermine me. He was clever at manipulating people and hiding his activities. He always stopped just short of clear and obvious abuse that would make any sane person call the police. My self esteem was on the floor and I was the target of bullies at school. When I was fourteen I tried to take my own life. I came through (a couple of kind teachers at school were a godsend), then I was lucky enough to date a decent boy when I was sixteen. The abuse only ended when I confided in this boyfriend, who was very concerned and encouraged me to ring Childline. I was sixteen.

Today I have a lovely husband and a happy child, friends, okay job. But despite all of these good things (and therapy!), I still have lots of emotional problems, I still self harm, I have periods of depression and a difficult relationship with my mother. Mum did not have the courage or perhaps care about herself or us enough to walk away from him. She was a vulnerable teenage mum when she had me, and I feel some empathy for her, I am not a completely hard cow. But since I have had a child of my own, I cannot forgive her for letting us remain in that situation.

Wishing you the strength and courage to take the steps you need to take to remove yourself and your children from this man TODAY. I am hoping that I have helped and not upset you. Sorry if this story seems overly dramatic - social services took the whole thing very seriously. You have it within yourself to change yours and your childrens' futures for the better. If you want to ask me anything please do.

Best wishes xx

Yogawoman1 - I'm in tears after reading your post. It's brave of you to post this and very valuable to OP and others.
I have no words for what you went through and what I think of that creature who wrecked your soul and sense of worth to make himself feel..what? Powerful?
Welcome to Mumsnet - I've been here for three years and I've learned a lot and laughed a lot! Stick around.