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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy regarding incident btwn DH & DS (10Months) - please tell me what you think

197 replies

StrangeButTrue · 11/01/2012 19:50

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

A few weeks ago I asked DH to look after DS while I tidied up after tea. He went upstairs with DS, a few mins later I heard DS crying (distressed cry). As I was running up the stairs I heard DH repeatedly saying 'Bye Bye', I got to the top of the stairs - DS was shut in his bedroom, in the dark. DH said 'he's missing his daddy'.

I picked up & cuddled DS & told DH 'NO - he's not missing his daddy - he's bloody scared'
DH told me not to be so silly.

I can't shake off what happened. I would really like to hear what you think about this.

OP posts:
Jux · 12/01/2012 21:12

SBT, "courage mon brave" as they say. You can do this. There are a lot of people here to hold your hand, so keep posting if you can, get your head together and do this, for yourself and for your children.

Imagine a life where no child cries because he's been shut in the dark, where no child worries about getting ready for bed, where you can all wipe your own bums, where everything is normal and makes sense, you're not walking on eggshells, or wondering "is that normal?" ....

That life is yours for the asking.

Jnice · 13/01/2012 03:35

I'm so worried there won't be another word on this and in a month there will be another thread.

Please come back and update us. A lot of people are worried for you and your kids here! If you need support we are here.

whattodoo · 13/01/2012 08:15

Have been thinking about you, SBT. Hope you are ok and taking steps towards your new life.

Panadbois · 13/01/2012 08:43

Please come back and tell us you're allright.

Where is your 'D'H at the moment?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 13/01/2012 10:11

Look OP, as much as 'we' can advise and encourage you to get out of this situation you should listen to your inner voice. It is telling you that the situation is not 'right' and you must listen to it and do something about it, for you sake and for your children.

Jnice · 13/01/2012 17:27

Ugh, I feel sick. I can't get those poor kids out of my mind Sad

lazarusb · 13/01/2012 18:45

It's a worry that the OP hasn't come back. But if you are still reading this - this is better coming from you than your dc mentioning it at school and the wheels starting to turn from there.

Please - find some strength and protect your children.

DonkeyTeapot · 14/01/2012 11:53

OP, I followed your other thread from pretty early on, and it made me go cold. This one has had the same effect. I have no advice other than to heed what people here have said. Your children need you to take action.

We are all here to hold your hand, we won't leave you to deal with this by yourself.

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 14/01/2012 19:17

hello, i haven't been able to read any replies since i last logged on. dh has gone out for an hour 9maybe less). when i went away btwn christmas & new year i took passports with me to keep safe at a friends house.
cab weren't much use, i couldn't get through to womens aid. i haven't confided in anyone else about this because i feel very ashamed.
i don't have a mobile with internet access, i have my laptop though. dh has a lap top, he has left it here,but i don't know the passwords etc to see what is on there.
i'm not sleeping very well. i can't confide in any one. my counsellor is back next week, maybe her? when i say it out loud, it means it is real? not sure. my mum is coming to stay as from tomorrow for 3 weeks (a bright light in my life) i can't tell her what is happening, she will be here to help with the dc's - at least i can have a bath/shower & feel ok with her looking after them. i will not leave them in the sole care of dh - 'H', ever again.
i think h knows something is going on. what do i do? i don't have access to any financial details for him. we don't have a joint account, he has always been very secretive about how much he earns.
i'll be back when i can, but feel a bit better, as my mum will be here soon x

OP posts:
lisad123 · 14/01/2012 19:22

why cant you tell your mum. I would hate for my dd to go though this and feel she couldnt tell me.
Please just leave.,

oiwheresthecoffee · 14/01/2012 19:33

Call the police ? Please.

stickyj · 14/01/2012 19:38

Please talk to your mum. If you can rely on her to look after your children and you trust her, then tell her. Be calm and factual so that she is not distressed and ready to kill you "h", which, as a mum, I would be if anyone ever hurt my child or grandchildren. Perhaps your mum could ask you and the children to come and stay at hers, maybe fake a back injury, anything to get you out of the house.

You know it isn't you, all of us have told you, but it takes a very brave big step to leap out of a situation that seems impossible and hard.

If you are near any of us, I know that we can/will help. As a mother you need to protect your children but also yourself. I didn't read the other thread you wrote but I hope it didn''t mention abuse in your childhood. You don't mention a Dad in this thread, apologies if I am wrong but listen to us.

You are agreat mum and you are definitley NOT ALONE! Maybe you can subtly let us know where you are and we can help?

Be strong for yourself and your babies.

alittlehelp11 · 14/01/2012 19:39

Damn, I just tried to write a message and it crashed :(
Right anyway. You MUST keep trying Womens Aid , dont give up. If so be it go to your councellor and tell her everything, tell her your trying to leave and Womens Aid are not answering, she may have a link to get you through to them quicker. Also , I think you can contact Womens Aid through their website , try here. You must NOT be ashamed, this is not your fault, but you CAN prevent it. Stay with the children, and prepare to leave. I would love to say go now, call the police, but if you don't you must keep trying. Dont let your mum talk you round , keep posting here, so many of these readers can help. You are doing so well, am sorry CAB didnt help, but at least you have started. As for financial, see if you can open a seperate account, photocopy financial details, etc. But you MUST go. If you feel strong enough tonight , keep trying Womens Aid, they will help but are busy. Keep posting, stay strong :)

BasilRathbone · 14/01/2012 19:43

Will your mum support you if you tell her, SbT?

BasilRathbone · 14/01/2012 19:45

SbT - did you say if you had access to your DH's computer?

If he is viewing child porn, then the police will get him out of the house and you won't ever have to be bothered by him again.

Original poster
StrangeButTrue · 14/01/2012 19:54

h is due back any minute. i can't tell my mum. she will be here under the pretence of helping out with the children. she loves that - dad died a few years back.
it took a lot to write it down here. she always thought that h was weird & thinks men pretty useless on the whole.
i want to be on my own with the children. i have a degree, i can go back to work, but confidence is pretty low at the moment. i have an idea to move somewhere i really love (a place i used to visit loads as a child), i hope it is possible.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 20:00

If your mum doesn't like H and thinks he's wierd, why can't you tell her? Is it because you think she will be smug about being proved right? If so, I can understand your feelings but you need to tell someone and get this awful man away from you all.

lisad123 · 14/01/2012 20:02

but just because shes there to help with the kids, doesnt mean you cant tell her.
Get paperwork together, I seriously understand its hard to leave but your kids need protecting from him and you are staying there! They need you to be strong and an adult right now, they need you to make the right decision!

susiedaisy · 14/01/2012 20:08

Op go to a solicitor and get an injunction against this man to remove him from the house, your posts have made me feel sick, your Dh behaviour is not right, and I suspect given opportunities in the future he will physically abuse your dc, more than he is now, sorry you and your dc are going through thisSad

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 20:09

I think you should tell your mum as well. Really, I think you should tell her.

Miggsie · 14/01/2012 20:15

Tell your mum. She has already trigged your DH is weird and creepy, she is outside the family unit. and keep trying women's aid.

FlangelinaBallerina · 14/01/2012 20:18

OP, if there's no money and you're fleeing DV- and this is DV- you'll get legal aid. If you want, post or PM the area you're in and I'll find you the details of a solicitor locally.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 14/01/2012 20:30

Google (or other internet search engine) 'womens aid' followed by the home county or city/town that you live in for details of local branches and call the number(s) give - this is usually a weekday office hours service with no facility for out of hours/emergency calls.

As previously advised, please note that in cases of suspected and actual child abuse whether physical, emotional, or sexual, there is only one call anyone needs to make and that is to the police.

If you do not feel capable of making a non-emergency call to your local police station, make contact with the Children's Services Department of your local authority or make an appointment with your doctor and express your concern.

The reason why you're feeling ashamed is that you know that you should have put a stop to his cruelty to, and abuse of, your dc before but if you act now you won't be judged for that.

Every day you fail to do what you know is necessary to protect your dc is another day and night that he is free to abuse them and, the longer you continue to stay silent, the harder it is going to be for you to speak out.

As for the future, anything is possible as we each create and are responsible for our own lives. Start creating the life you want for yourself, and the life that your innocent dcs deserve, by taking steps to get this man out of your lives.

Jnice · 14/01/2012 20:40

SBT - you have made some good steps in the right direction but you have to finish this now. You seem to have an issue telling your mum die to pride - not wanting her to be right about H? You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. It's time to grow a backbone and get your kids the hell out of that man's life.

Enough is enough. No more excuses.

whattodoo · 14/01/2012 21:14

SBT. Glad your mum is coming to stay. Please confide in her or ask her to look after the children while you meet a friend for coffee who you can talk to and trust.
I'm worried that you may feel we are pushing you into a corner that you don't feel ready for. We honestly aren't - we're trying to encourage you to find the strength and help you need to move yourself and your children forward into a happy and healthy, fulfilling future.
You know in your heart what is best for your family, please seek support to help you make it happen soon.
Take care

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