I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

Again if people actually read the thread and posts before arguing. Yes I do, he'd have been out on his ear for just registering.

What I don't condone is when you have made an active decision to forgive and move on. You don't then have the right to control and snoop ad infinitum.

She got the shivers a year later, THEN diverted his emails, checked his phone, found nothing. So how else could she get rid of him after getting what she wants, honey trap him! Her behaviour has been atrocious. Using him financially is bang out of order as it could seriously affect him. She set out to find something to get rid of him, when she couldn't she made a situation up. That's what makes her worse IMO.

That comment was because again tutu people jumping in without even reading the op, suggesting he'd been unfaithful online, he hadn't.

Wannabe also said at 10.28 "firstly he didnt have any form"

Again, learn to read and the comments they are responding too. He hasn't cheated online before, or been sexting, as people suggested. He registered and that was it.

What evidence do you have to support claims "she set out... To get rid of him"

Registering is form. Normal people don't do this. Furthermore you just admitted he be out on his ear if your dh so you must also consider it form.

see i dont think she did set out to find something to get rid of him. If it was that simple why would she have posted in such a desperately sad way, why would she post that she was sat in tears? If that were the case she would be happy to have found something in order to get rid - instead she sounds to me like a woman who has been metaphorically punched in the guts.

This is someone who knows she fucked up and is paying for it now.

No one knows what she is going to do now, because she hasnt come back and why the hell would she? There are ways to tell someone you have a different opinion without being so scathing. I think this woman is reeling. why not wade in and kick her a bit though?....

Agreed vicar!

It's pretty obvious from her posts. Play the game, wait until he's signed then dump.

Sane, normal people who had a wobble, may check the phone, may check the email. But divert emails? Then when that shows nothing deliberately set to fuck him over....calculating all right.

So that's not just me on this thread that has that opinion. Which is what it is opinion. You can't go around miss using quotes and saying this that and the other. When you haven't read them properly in context. It makes your point, well pointless.

Form for what though? Where did I say he had form? Why are you so obsessed with that word and making stuff up, are you op?

He has form for being an idiot. Not actually online/text sexting which is what has been suggested here.

Equally op has form, for being manipulative and devious. Therefore I wouldn't exactly say being a guarantor is risk free.

It's increasingly clear this is just about winning an argument for you because.
You have no genuine desire to help the op at all.

Since she hasn't come back the whole thing is now redunant anyway

No it's not star. But don't twist people's words and read stuff that isn't there, because you will get people who pull you on it. It's annoying. Thanks.

nobody said he didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't have been happy about registering online either, the porn is IMO different because unless they had had a specific agreement about it it's a personal thing.

But having registered on some dodgy site is not form for cheating - yes it is form for having hurt op in the past but the two things are not linked.

No-one has said that op should have been happy to move on after the original issue, but having decided to forgive him and to move on, one does not then maintain the right to go snooping and spying and setting set-up traps in order to test someone's fidelity - no matter how badly you've been hurt in the past.

And if you've been hurt in the past then insecurity is understandable. but if you're insecure you discuss it as adults - you don't start setting out to prove a point.

As for what evidence there is that she set out to do this, well:

she looked at her dp's phone and found nothing.

not content with that, she diverted his emails to her email address and nothing happened.

She wasn't content with that either, so she sent him a text pretending to be someone else, just to see if he'd respond.

If she didn't want an outcome she would have let it drop at the emails at the very least.

She wanted an outcome and she got one.

I am personally still certain he knows and the outcome she got was of her own making by being so stupid as to divert emails to a joint email address in the first place.

That basically sums it up wannabe. As you were.

Considering she ended her previous realtionship based on use of porn amongst other things you would have to be strikingly stupid not to realise this was a deal breaker

Purposefully setting out to do something you know would hurt your partner and break trust is despicable twice, is "form" in any realtionship.

what would you do if you found your partner had registered on an online sex site then? would you not consider that to be dubious? would you not wonder what else that could lead to? why do people sign up for these sites?

because it is starting to sound like you are getting terribly agitated simply because some people are not judging the OP by the same standards as yourself. For me, they have both done something wrong, but she has distrusted enough to check, and he has been, to all intents and purposes, texting and having erotic sexually explicit conversations with another woman, because he did not know the OP was the OW....twisted yes, but should the blame lay with her?

I dont understand why you are so outraged with the OP, her sense of self preservation has kicked in. She says she will do what is necessary to benefit her child.

If you dont agree then you dont agree, i am not saying i do, but i dont know the OP, i dont her background, her children or her partner, so i will reserve judgement and i think a more gentle approach would have got your message through far better than the outraged tone of the posts (not just yours) that have gone before.

i feel that this was a woman in a crisis. If this is how people are treated in times of crisis then i shall make sure i avoid this site if i ever have one.

...the need to be "right" has overshadowed any support. how sad. how sad that while someones life is falling to pieces that as long as other posters can take the moral high ground and win then all is ok in their world.

im off now because i have pm'd the op. Thread is indeed redundant - all its good for now is trying to "win" the argument. I ddint think that was the point really?

I'm not tutu. Not irate. Pretty sick of posters like you who can't read. Or miss read. Wading in talking crap. Attributing things to posters. When it's quite clear you just can't read or are twisting it. If people stopped doing that, they'd be no issue.

Have a nice day and all.

See, I think that you can forgive someone and have every genuine intention of moving forward, but having had trust shattered, it is entirely possible to have a wobble many months, even years, later. Of course, by that point the partner who has been forgiven is moving on and thinks it's all over and done with (because they are not the ones feeling hurt) and the 'victim' feels churlish for raking it all up again. So I think it's quite normal to have a wobble and check a phone, even though that might be morally wrong. OP went further than most by sending the text, but it all went hideously wrong when he sent back his response asking for further info on this 'ow'. If he hadn't done that, then i believe the OP would have let it drop.

Once you've started on the downward spiral, it's hard to get off.

Also, registering on sites with people looking to hook up for sex is intent to me. Maybe this has all been playing on her mind for a year and she just had to be sure. Unfortunately, he's turned out to be the kind of man who will look you in the eye, while telling you he loves you, while blatantly plotting to shag someone else.

VicarInaTutu

""Flabby no he didn't. He signed up for fbs, he never did anything, contacted anyone at all. Op herself said so."

seems to imply that because he didnt actually do anything he is off the hook"
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are we supposed to let her off becasue she "is doing it for the kids"?
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Starwisher
What evidence do you have to support claims "she set out... To get rid of him"

She said up thread (paraphrasing)
"i'll have the new house next week and I can get rid"

That quote was from after he sent all the sex texts Boney . She didn't set out to get rid of him. She was paranoid and insecure - so she tested him. People can agree or disagree with honeytraps on principle, but one thing is certain, he failed the test spectacularly.

not Paraphrased

"He is my guarentour, if he pulls out then I will lose the house (The house will be in my name only so I will be able to throw him out)"

"A few more days and he will have signed the paperwork and I can get rid of him."

No, she has posted on here heartbroken because she tested her partner and he failed. Now she wants rid, and who can blame her? But she didn't set out to get rid of him. Why couldn't the silly man stay of fbs when he knew it was such a deal breaker?

SweetLilyTea

trust is (IMO) a fundamental part of a relationship.

If the OP didn't have that level of trust she should just have dumped him.
all the excuses made for her and by other posters don't excuse the way she has acted or manipulated the situation.

SweetLilyTea
"No, she has posted on here heartbroken because she tested her partner and he failed"

Actually, she repeatedly tested her partner till he failed.