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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

483 replies

dammandblast · 07/01/2012 21:45

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done Sad

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

OP posts:
Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:33

Because do you think the dp played no part in this at all?

You seem determined see him Scott free, just adamant he is a mere pawn in a game he was tricked into, like a man under a spell that absolved his freewill.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 18:36

No I think they are both at fault here. However I think op more so.

She checked everything, DIVERTED his emails then couldn't find anything. So decided she would trap him. Oh but not confront him until he signed for the house.

Sounds like someone pretty determined to me to find something, but not tell him until she had used him. Nasty, nasty, nasty.

SweetLilyTea · 11/01/2012 18:38

Hope you are ok op, don't take the vitriolic posts on here to heart - not everyone thinks like that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/01/2012 18:42

starwisher

to coin a phrase from so many threads the op's actions are
"ringing so many bells" and putting up so many "red flags" its unreal.

the DP may be a twat of the highest order but the op isn't some vestial virgin pure as the driven snow. to make excuses for her behaviour is unreasonable.
and your first one was completely made up.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:42

If I was going to be that Manipluative I would wait until I had what I wanted. Why risk it all at the last moment?
Think about it.

I will say it again I do think op was hoping to find a good guy in all this, or she wouldn't be devastated. Just happy to have a solid excuse to toss him casually aside. Which she is not.

These are the actions of an insecure person who has had their trust trampled on- not the evil master of manipulation.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:44

It's called speculating boney, not making stuff up.

You know, having empathy and trying to understand why she did what she did.

Which is what everyone is doing, seeing as none of us are the op or her dp!

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 18:46

She is waiting until she's got what she wanted.

Hopefully she does red the vitriolic posts, and gets help. Any decent, sane man would run a thousand miles from a woman who does this sort of game playing. As BBJ says red flags here.

As you were.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:49

Yes, any decent sane man who had done zero wrong in the first place!

However, He was the one who put question marks over his character in the first place, not her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/01/2012 18:51

starwisher I speculate that the op is doing what she is doing because

"the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people under the supervision of the reverse vampires are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner"

as for empathising, I'm good with that but I don't have to like what I read or end up sympathising with the op.

minceorotherwise · 11/01/2012 18:53

FGS !! She made a mistake and got carried away with it, hardly a master manipulator in need of help. A little on the dramatic side I think.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 18:54

Nope, but I can try and understand and empathise with op if I choose to do so.

Look, none of this is helping and op is probably somewhere right now feeling just dreadful. She needs help moving forward somehow.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 11/01/2012 18:54

"She is waiting until she's got what she wanted"

No - needed not wanted!

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 18:57

Oh that makes it all so much better odwdidk. Fucking hell.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/01/2012 19:02

What the OP wants is a home in the area where her ds will get his needs met. I think people whose kids need extra help don't always have the luxury of complete freedom of choice. That's why she's hanging on to this man for the time being, because without him, she cannot secure that for her child.

It's not like she's hanging onto him in order to gain financially. She is paying for her new home, he is just helping her to do that by being a guarantor.

Truthfully, I can't see a future in this relationship. It will either carry on, based on both of them lying to the other, or if the truth comes out, both will feel utterly betrayed by the other, regardless of who is right and who is wrong.

Still, she could only have caught him out, if he chose to behave badly, which he did.

something2say · 11/01/2012 19:07

I think that sadly, some of the worst scenes imaginable between people occur in intimate relationships and I think we'll all have some of those tucked away, which we hope to forget and never do again. I think we are watching someone's worst scene play out in this case, and so from me she gets a sympathetic shoulder. BUT I definitely think op, you must stop all of the calls and texts now. I have seen you say similar, that it is making you sick, and that is normal, so follow that, head down, get the next few days over and done with and then move on. One day take him off the lease or whatever, and then perhaps have an honest conversation with him. And resolve never to do anything like this again. I have had to say things like that to myself at times, I think it happens in this messy life.

fuzzynavel · 11/01/2012 19:34

I've also been following this thread and boy does it leave a nasty taste in my mouth.

As stated up-thread, two wrongs don't make a right.

I personally would not do what the OP is doing, I wouldn't be able to for my sanity's sake.

I can't believe there isn't another way for her to get a placement for her child if he really needs it.

This is a very sick situation.

Sorry OP, I do sort of feel for you but both of you sound rather unwell at the moment.

I hope that you stop all this.

misty0 · 11/01/2012 19:46

dammandblast are you ok?

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 20:01

Op knows what she has done is wrong. The tittle of thread might be a clue.

She's had enough of being judged and executed in this thread, let's support her now. Enough is enough.

fuzzynavel · 11/01/2012 20:18

Ah but starwisher this is a very emotive thread and that's what she will get. It's ok to acknowledge what you have done is wrong, is it ok to keep doing it when you blatantly know?

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 20:22

But all thats happened is she his dissapeared so this thread has probably been about as useful as a sausage at a vegetarian conference to her

SucksToBeMe · 11/01/2012 20:34

I agree with what karmabeliever said @ 19:02

fuzzynavel · 11/01/2012 20:35

Hmm, I feel it's been a rather balanced thread Star. Help comes in many forms. The OP has had a lot of comments to digest and will probably never return due to her part in it.

HomeEcoGnomist · 11/01/2012 21:02

Agree with wannabe

Be careful what you go looking for - you might find it

Maybe his last comments re new start etc were him realising it was a close shave... After all, he isn't supposed to know that "ow" is in fact op

dumdedoodah · 11/01/2012 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/01/2012 22:52

so am interested to know, if she hadnt honey trapped him, and he had gone on to do this to her behind her back (from OP it seems he had form) would that be ok then and would she not be judged so harshly?

it seems that trust is a major issue in this relationship. she didnt trust him.
and with good reason.
am confused by why the OP has had a hard time. without trust there is nothing.