I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

Completely agree karma with every last word

He's not paying for her new house - she is. Not really her fault that she was required to have a guarantor. I'd agree with you, if she was expecting him to pay for it, but not just for having his name on the piece of paper.

She is still using him, set out to trap him and sit on it until she got what she wanted, if she does.

A guarantorship is a financially declarable liability. She could have done the decent thing here.

What's the problem with him being the guarantor? The OP isn't asking him to fund the house itself and it isn't just for the OP it is for HIS CHILD as well. Surely, even if all this came out in the open he would want to make sure his child was housed and in an area in which he could attend a school which meets his special needs - what with him being such a fine, upstanding father and all.

The sn child isn't his.

I don't agree that the OP's motivation for setting up the honeytrap was to get the house. OP clearly says that at first her partner appeared to pass the 'test' - saying he had a partner and a dc. She says in op 'I was really pleased he had proven himself to me'. But then he had to text again asking what she looked like. She would be happily moving in with him had he resisted the honeytrap. But he didn't.

the rights and wrongs of this could be debated elsewhere though, as whats done is done.

the OP is at a very low ebb, and im sure if she is still even looking at this thread simply watching mumsnetters debate the rights and wrongs of what she did isnt going to help.

The OP isnt going to come back and take any of the good advice being given if she has to read this is she? she did it, so what now?

DH perspective

if she is that worried about what he is up to she shouldnt be with him.

it's not his child. Only the baby is his - the other dc are from other relationship.

And of course the guarantorship is a big deal - what happens if op defaults on the rent - the partner will be financially liable.

Oh but she won't though will she wannabe? As she is as honest and reliable as they come.

I'm damn sure if any of these sympathisers had been tricked into such a massive potential financial liability, with then their own house to fund as they were done over. I'm sure they see the big deal.

I agree with you op. I have followed this thread,if he wasn't a cheating scumbag you wouldn't of done any of this. I would never of had the courage to do what you have done... im very surprised you haven't ripped his head off yet.

Good luck and stay strong.

Had he actually cheated on her when she embarked on this course of action, though, thesunshinesbrightly? I thought he'd looked at porn, but hadn't had any physical or virtual contact with another person.

Fwiw - my dh and I have both looked at porn, and I know I wouldn't cheat on him nor would he cheat on me. Nor do I see his having looked at porn as a justification to set a trap for him.

"she did it, so what now?"

What now is that she tells him what she has done, what she has found out and she ends the relationship and either backs out of the tenancy agreement or finds another guarantor.

She cannot possibly use this man as guarantor for her house now - I imagine that in the eyes of the law it could probably even be construed as deception or similar if she were to default on the payments and he found out what she had done in order to get him out of her life.

Even if she hadn't done it deliberately to get rid of him, I doubt a court would see it that way, especially given the coincidental timing.

She can't move into this house with this man as guarantor if he has no idea what he's been set up for..

SDT he virtually cheated a year ago which she says.

Flabby no he didn't. He signed up for fbs, he never did anything, contacted anyone at all. Op herself said so.

Flabby Jesus fabby, that was my iPad, I really didn't do that on purpose.

Hows it going OP?

Becauseimperfect. she needs advice not griling. the thread doesn't hide the fact she did something wrong hence the name of it!
i'd love to see how you react if you had to go through this.
he should be the guarantor on the house. not everyone defaults on payments!! he needs to keep a roof over his baby's head that is his responsibility. and on starting a relationship with a woman who already had a child he made an unsaid agreement to treat that child as his own and do what he can for him/her.
She deserves better than this prick!

He should? Says who. I think you'll find the letter of law would disagree with you. But thats been covered.

I don't play games in my marriage, I wouldn't ever be in this position. I have used my common sense to my advantage over the years. I haven't had babies with a string of fuckwits.

He made no such agreement with the ds. Maybe op should contact his dad, or if he is no longer around, his family.

Get over yourself.

"he should be the guarantor on the house. not everyone defaults on payments!!" but the op has already proven herself to be a scheming manipulator. She plays games, she sets traps to get what she wants, personally I wouldn't trust her not to default on the payments. And even if she isn't intending to default on the payments the man has a right to know what she has done at least before deciding whether or not to remain a guarantor on the house.

"he needs to keep a roof over his baby's head that is his responsibility." The baby has a roof over its head, the one it is currently living under. No-one will deny that the man is responsible for that child whether he is in a relationship with its mother or not.

" and
on starting a relationship with a woman who already had a child he made an unsaid agreement to treat that child as his own and do what he can for him/her." yes, while he is in the relationship with that child's mother. But he is not that child's father, the child presumably has a father of his own, but if not the agreement doesn't run to being responsible for that child when the relationship ends. The op wouldn't be able to claim maintanence for that child in the event they separated, for instance.

"She deserves better than this prick!" Perhaps, but that doesn't give her the right to manipulate and use him to her advantage before moving on.

those who are saying he did nothing wrong last year should really think about it though.

I am married, happily. It would never occur to me to look at dating web sites or sex sites. It wouldnt occur to my DH. Its not something you do if you dont want to test the water is it? Why would you sign up to FBS if you were not ready to be tempted?

No idea what i would do about the house move in OPs situation.

But i do think this needs to be brought into the open and worked on from there.

Vicar - who has said he did nothing wrong last year?

Indeed sdt.

So according to you because, this man is now a "fuckwit"!

quote from becauseimperfect

"Flabby no he didn't. He signed up for fbs, he never did anything, contacted anyone at all. Op herself said so."

seems to imply that because he didnt actually do anything he is off the hook - at least thats how i read it, so assume others would too.

for me - even looking at sites that put you in touch with real women looking for sex would be enough for me to look very hard at what sort of relationship i had.