I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

Relationships is supposed to be a support forum - there is absolutely no need to post the same (nasty) point, numerous times, as some posters have here.

OP, I hope you do what is best for you and your dc. Good luck. I have no idea why some threads turn like this.

me neither sweetlily....

Oh come on - some of you are suggesting that most men would be tempted by someone sounding like their ideal woman contacting them. My DH would be out if he responded to texts like the OPs and I know that texts from another man would not tempt me (and I would be out if I responded to them too). She's about the make a life with him, of course she wants to know if he is trustworthy.

I have been following this thread from the beginning and completely agree with TooMuchInLove. OP Please do come back and update us even if it's just to let us know that you are ok.

Betty,

I don't think anyone can know whether they are "temptable" until they have been tempted. You may well not respond to a text but maybe you may to what seems at first like an innocent approach by someone at a bar or at your gym. Especially if that someone combined all the ideal traits in your husband with none of the little things that irritate you.

Entrapment is illegal in law for a reason. You cannot possibly know that a situation would have occurred without the entrapment. I.E If the OP had not tried to entrap her partner, he may have remained a faithful husband forever.

Yes Larry, but only because he would never have been deliberately tempted by someone else/had the opportunity, not because he is intrinsically a faithful and trustworthy person.

Would you want a partner who is only faithful to you because they've not been given a chance not to be, or do you want a partner who loves and respects you and that's why they are faithful and loyal to you?

Well, Karma.

I love my wife and trust her. However, I also know that she is a person and not a goddess and no human being is perfect. In addition, we have two children who love having both parents around. So, were my wife, in a bad patch in our marriage, for instance, to have a short text affair (or even a real one), I would not want to know about it. That is why I would never ever go through her personal things. Firstly, it is in itself dishonest and a breech of trust and, secondly, it may open up a Pandora's box.

I think that a partner who is kind and respectful to me and, ultimately, loves me and wants to be with me is more important than 100% sexual fidelity over the length of a, hopefully, long marriage.

Horses for courses larry. Fine if you feel that way but not everybody does.

Also i wouldn't call some of what the OPs partner has said about her to the 'ow' 'kind and respectful'.

The reason these threads turn out like this isn't one sided. The reason is some people can't comprehend a view point different to their own.

So ignoring the rest of the thread and what has been said already, they keep asking you the same question again, and again, and again. Questioning you by quote and by name. So if you see you are going to answer. Thus you end up repeating yourself to many people.

Maybe if people learnt to read and just accepted people had differing view points, a thread wouldn't feel so repetitive. Hth.

Because That would be marvellous. Perhaps take some of your own advice?

See what I mean? Irony personified.

Not sure I understand your point there Because? It is you and a couple of others who have been posting a gazillion times on this thread, making the same point over and over. I haven't argued any point with you - just pointed out that the badgering of an OP who has, by her own admission, "fucked up", is unnecessary.

Well, yes I agree with Because, it is going on and on and going nowhere. OP, where are you?

Well, that's us told!

Seriously though, the whole point of MN is the fact that we will argue passionately when we feel strongly about something. Surely that's better than the whole 'whatever you feel is best, hun' approach, where everyone plays nicely, but you won't get honest opinions.

But there is a real person somewhere out there behind this thread. A real life in tatters. This isn't a game of who can win an argument, it's a family in turmoil.

Sometimes a person does need a kick up the arse, but wont they don't need is a constant kicking when they are down.

Besides, if you genuinely want someone to respect your viewpoint being aggressive and antagonising is just about the most counter-productive thing you can do. They are hardly going to respect and listen carefully to what your saying.

Quite right Starwisher.

"so am interested to know, if she hadnt honey trapped him, and he had gone on to do this to her behind her back (from OP it seems he had form) would that
be ok then and would she not be judged so harshly?"

Firstly, he didn't have form. He looked at porn once, and he had looked at some facebook sex page which op herself admitted he hadn't done anything with.

Secondly, it's entirely different to head out and consciously do something than it is to do the same thing under the power of suggestion. therefore, if the op had discovered he was texting another woman without her having had any input into the situation the responsibility would all be down to him.

When honey traps have been used to try to solve crimes for instances the cases always collapse because it is a false situation and there is no proof that the same would happen in a spontaneous situation iyswim.

This man had no history of cheating, there was no evidence to suggest he had cheated or was about to cheat when op started to spy on him. Intuition or insecurity is not a justification for entrapping someone, neither is the fact that he took the bate.

I hate this assumption on mn that someone can do something wrong and should be accountable for that unless there is then a negative outcome, as if the negative outcome somehow absolves them from what they have done - it doesn't.

And looking at the scenario from the other side, if someone posted that they had set a honeytrap for their dh based on a feeling of intuition and the fact they had looked at a piece of porn once, that they'd played and played and played, sending suggestive texts etc and that their dh hadn't responded and had found out and had left, would people be saying "oh, you did nothing wrong?" Would people be sympathetic to the op?

Oh and to whoever said that because this is relationships people should only be supportive, no-one has been nasty. This is an internet forum. Not everyone is going to agree with everyone else. Not everyone is going to think that playing games and trapping your partner into a situation so you can get rid of him and then move into the house for which he is guarantor is acceptable. Just because someone comes here for support doesn't mean they're deserving of it.

"...any decent man who has done zero wrong...." So, because he is a man, he has to be 100% perfect before he deserves to be treated decently and trusted? The OP's oh has not behaved well in this scenario, but neither has the OP - what she has done is far more than just a honey trap, and I agree with what Wannabe has said.

I wonder whether the OP will be open and honest with her next partner about how she trapped this man? I doubt it, because no decent man is going to want to have a relationship where his oh could do this to him - as someone said up the thread, she now has 'form' for this sort of behaviour.

OP - I think you need to end this relationship as soon as possible. I also think you need to consider whether, having done this to your oh, you want to move to a house on a street where you'll be surrounded by his friends and family - that could be very uncomfortable and unpleasant for you if he does find out what you've done to him, and pretty uncomfortable if you just dump him for no reason once you're in the house you want. I also think you need to think long and hard before you get into another relationship.

I guess we have different standards as I wouldn't consider a man who did the one thing I hate while pregnant , despite knowing the pain it caused me the first time round to be decent strangely enough.

I don't think anyone's behaved decently in this situation, starwisher.

If he had been a genuinely supportive partner and had nothing to warrant such mistrust, then he would be blameless. However he contributed to this mess by placing some pretty big question marks over his character, which IMO were grim. Pregnant porn? Good grief.

The op, by the very tittle alone knows she is wrong! She put her hands in e air already, she hasn't come on all smug about how clever and blameless she is.

She knows she has fucked up. She wanted help. But hey, just kick her a few more times when she is down despite her admitting her faults already

I think that some people don't view the porn thing as having form and other do. I am in the 'do' camp, as is the OP. Having had that experience with him, she felt a niggle of mistrust and wanted to be sure of him, so she did something that wasn't really a great idea. Having seen him respond to the text she got herself in a position where it's like picking at a scab - it hurts, she knows it's a bad idea and will leave a scar, but she couldn't stop herself from doing it, hence the further communication with him as the 'ow'.

If you take the view that people aren't perfect, when referring to the dp, then that applies equally to the OP. I feel for her, she's seen what he is really like and that might be her own doing, but I truly think that if a man can respond like this, then what with him going out all the time without op, the opportunity was bound to present itself to him at some point. He's not the intrinsically decent type who would resist.

So far as supporting the OP goes,it's about damage limitation now. She is a mother, motivated by her wish to secure what is best for her child's SN. It would be cruel to criticise her for that imo. I think she is right to go ahead with her move - she might as well salvage what she can from her plans for the future, the rest of it has been shot to pieces. She's not milking him for money or taking advantage of him, only keeping his guarantor status, which she has no intention of capitalising upon.

I would advise her not to tell him the truth - no good can come of it now, but if he does find out and feels used, well, he stood in her home and told her barefaced lies. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

What wannabe said. She admitted she was wrong in the op, so? That's not a get out of jail free card., we are talking games here right?

She then carried on doing it, carried on, knowing it was wrong, pushing it further, upping the anti, all her.

Then to top it all, her motivation became clear, to get the house she wanted, then dump him.

Not surprised people took reaction to that, not all people thinking using and manipulating a fellow human them male or female for your own gain is on.

I have two sn children, I'd don't feel for the op at all. I have more self respect than to rely and trap and use another to meet my sons needs. I am wise enough to do it off my own back.

She is using him for her own gain and that of her son, no excuse to do that to another human, so put the sn violin away shall we?