Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

[kittyfishersknickers]

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

Thanks for the info about safe words. So why didn't you use the safe word?

the previous use of a "safe word" does not negate the meaning of "no"

she perhaps didnt think of a the "safe word" as they were not role playing and she was sleepy and - this is the biggie - she said NO...

what more does someone have to say?

Argh! AnyFucker: I'm trying to get my head round the double negative. You'll have to explain it to me again, sorry! Doesn't the safe word simply mean 'stop'?

Use of a safe word is for specific situations in which a safe word might be required. It's certainly (in my experience, unless agreed fully by both parties after much discussion) an open-ended invitation to disregard all uses of the word 'no'. He's being appallingly disingenuous.

OP, I am so sorry this happened. You're right to start thinking it through; your desire to want everything to be OK led you to want to forgive him - but his behaviour so far doesn't indicate that he gets it at all.

MrsLadywoman - it wasn't that kind of situation so I didn't think of it. Now I think about it it is a bit weird we had one in the first place, as we never played any role play or anything, it was just if he wanted to do something a bit 'different' and I didn't like it I could say so. I can't remember now why just saying stop wouldn't work.

I do think about what if it happens again. But I think I am maybe more wondering why it didn't actually upset me that much at the time. It's not like I felt devastated, it was more that there was just this low-level unease feeling for a few weeks after, but I couldn't work it out in my head so I decided to forget about it.

But this wasn't a "safe word" situation was it?

It was a normal, "no" situation.

and OP, yes, I agree with whoever said that it's a bit disturbing that you felt you had to reinforce your wish not to have sex, with leggings and a t shirt.

Being naked but not wanting sex should be enough for a man.

If it's not, it simply becomes impossible for you to sleep with him IMO.

Because you literally never know when he's going to have sex with you without your full, enthusiastic participation.

Which is what sex is supposed to be.

I think it is good that he's recognised the gravity of what he's done. But why has it taken him so long and what has made him realise this now? Is it that he has realised that something has changed between you because of this?

Shit, that should be "certainly NOT an open-ended invitation"

What Vicar said, in answer to the OP No i couldn't. I echo the others who have said it will benifit you to talk to someone about this.

No is enough. Safe words are for when you are (with consent) doing edgy stuff / role play. And you should agree and check them at the beginning.

MrsL, it's not rocket science

either/or the "safe word" or "no" shaould have sufficed here

"no" is a complete sentence, despite what has gone before, when it is not a "safe word" scenario ie. the previous kink they used it with

You can't even argue on this one that it was some kind of misunderstanding - you had already said no, multiple times, which is MORE than clear enough, and he made a conscious decision to get up, walk across the room and put his penis inside you, even though he's perfectly capable of understanding what you have said. It sounds like he has concocted this ridiculous safeword excuse in order to justify to himself something which he knew damn well was wrong in the first place, and by saying that he was hoping that you wouldn't notice. And now he's pretending to be all reasonable and saying your health and happiness mean more to him than his own sex drive - really? Because surely if he believed that he wouldn't have done it in the first place and wouldn't have come up with some ridiculous excuse.

I think that
He is a dick and wanted sex and it didn't matter to him that you didn't
So he decided he would try his luck and try to convince you that it was all fine
Giving him the go-ahead to try a stunt like this in the future and mean that you didn't feel you could argue against it
Now you are expressing doubt and upset about what he did, he is hurriedly and smoothly moving onto "Plan B" - act sorry, act surprised, show sympathy and remorse, promise never to do it again
While hurriedly and fervently concocting Plan C - how to make it even more subtle the next time so that you remain confused as to whether he has really done anything wrong, when he is so gentle and understanding.

I also think that he has probably been doing low level stuff of this nature for some time, reading between the lines of your post. You wore pyjamas to bed as a "reinforcement" of your wishes, as another posted pointed out. You warned him not to cuddle you because you knew it would lead to him wanting sex - you should not have to do this, because he should be able to (a) control himself, (b) make that judgement himself about if he's going to find something frustrating, and (c) sort himself out if he did, not expect you to magically change your mind.

I am sorry this has happened to you. :(

Sorry - that was worded badly. By "Giving him the go ahead" I meant if Plan A worked first time, that would have been a go ahead in his mind. Not that anything you did made it even seem okay to him.

OK, I think I get the safe word thing and I do agree with all the posters who say he has used this as an excuse for what he did. What are you going to do?

tbh, the more you reveal, the more abusive he sounds. How safe do you feel? Do you think it will happen again? Do you think he really was mortified by what happened or, as I'm afraid it sounds, is he just making sorry noises to brush the episode aside?

What is the rest of your relationship like?

It's happened before hasn't it op?

Why else wear those leggings? You knew what he would want...

He always says that coercion and people being bullied disgusts him more than anything, it's one of his 'things' . I don't know how that fits into this.

People often make heated condemnations about the very things they are most guilty of themselves, I'm afraid. It's not proof of anything. And actions speak louder than words.

I agree that is sounds odd and sad that you feel the need to literally cover yourself up and that you seem to have had to have a 'discussion' about you not wanting sex before even going to bed. is that normal for you?

And if he's bringing safewords into the bedroom isn't that a suggestion that he's interested in some sort of risque or roleplay scenarios that muddy consent? This worries me a bit if you don't feel 'in' on it. Is he sexually demanding and aggressive as a guy previous to this, OP?

I don't think you should worry or especially not feel bad about the fact that you didn't feel upset at the time, the brain is good at protecting and repressing difficult/awful things especially if they're done to us by people we love. It's very hard to accept. Has something else happened in the last few days to re-ignite this feeling of unease?

No it hasn't happened before or since. I can't tell whether he knew all along it was wrong or whether he has only just realised. Even after admitting it though he switched back and said 'no, you encouraged me' and after that said 'you've forgiven me though'

"Maybe I should have shown more distress"

No. You did nothing wrong. Please understand that if you didn't say "yes" and he didn't get that consent, it was rape.

You're also saying that 'if he wanted to do something a bit different' sexually, you agreed a safe word if you didn't want to do it. Does that mean that he started doing things without permission or any prior discussion and this was why you had to agree a safe word?

tessa6 - we had an argument about something different and he got annoyed and frustrated and grabbed my wrists hard. This scared me and made me cry. He felt awful about it though

Oh my god, OP. That's terrible. Your last post absolutely confirms what most people have been saying on this thread.

This must all be distressing for you. He doesn't sound very articulate either, which must be frustrating. You sound almost a little bit afraid of him. Would that be fair to say?
He's not showing himself in a good light, kitty. What would you say to a friend who told you her partner hurt her but 'then felt awful about it though'?