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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

364 replies

kittyfishersknickers · 05/01/2012 22:52

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

OP posts:
AltruisticEnigma · 07/07/2012 23:47

kitty It sure is shocking when someone else points out something similar that you have been through then you realise how serious it is when you realise how disgusted by that persons ex/friend/partner etc.

I am glad you are feeling better now. He was and as far as I am aware is (because people like that never completely change) a manipulative, scheming, aggressive person who just wants pity or to lose their temper. It never ends well with someone behaving like that.

Now my fiance is amazing. Sure sometimes he'll fancy sex when I wont and he might be like, 'aww, you sure?' and kiss my neck but if I push him away although he may feel quite hurt he understands and that is the end of that.

I hope nothing like this ever happens to you again, OP. :)

CogPsych · 08/07/2012 02:58

Wait a minute, there was mention of a 'safe word'. Do you guys have a history of role play where you refuse (but not really) sex and he goes at it anyway unless you use a safe word to stop it? Like a sort of rape-fetish? If that's the case, then he's done nothing wrong.

If that's not the case, then you've been raped.

ChiefTittifer · 08/07/2012 09:22

CogPsych, RTFT FGS.

OP, don't bother answering. You don't need to rehash this again.

CogPsych · 08/07/2012 12:53

Sorry, hadn't read the 354 posts. My fault.

solidgoldbrass · 11/07/2012 11:18

This man will have a llong track record of abusing younger women. What he gets off on is the control, and the destruction of their personalities. He hates women, basically; I bet he makes fairly frequent negative remarks about feminism and feminists. He thinks women are dogs, to be owned and trained and used for his benefit.

kittyfishersknickers2 · 29/04/2013 23:00

I have just re-read this thread from beginning to end (I am the OP, but have de-regged in the meantime hence the new not-very-original name)

You were all RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!

I have finally managed to be completely free of him for over 6 months, by free I mean not even spoken to him on the phone. It took so long to get out. He fought really hard to stop me, pulled every trick but now I can see that they were all just tricks. We were even briefly together last summer, after I wrote all of the above... Now I am out from under his influence I can see the reality. Even 6 months ago I was heartbroken, thought he was my true love, just misunderstood etc. Now I just hate him for stealing years of my life and giving me a warped view of everything.

Started seeing him when I was 20, tried to break up with him on average once a year due to various things he had done, but couldn't actually bear to let him go, especially when he begged and cried. I can't believe it took me so long.

Xales · 29/04/2013 23:27

CONGRATULATIONS

So glad to hear you are away and safe.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2013 23:29

Well done x

I remember your thread. It was fucking terrifying.

kittyfishersknickers2 · 29/04/2013 23:47

Thanks. I had actually posted about different things he'd done on here a few times under different names. I couldn't bring myself to admit everything on one thread otherwise I knew people would have been like 'are you insane?'. There was the rape thing, he bit me really hard one time, actually a couple of times, stuff like that. But he always managed to convince me that I was overreacting and it was an accident. It's scary how you can let someone alter reality like that...

doubleshotespresso · 29/04/2013 23:52

Phew! I remember this too, I also remember the chill it gave me when reading it!

Well done , hope you are ok?

OrangeFootedScrubfowl · 30/04/2013 00:16

I am so glad you have got out. x

DoctorAnge · 30/04/2013 18:17

My goodness what a thread!

Glad you can to your senses op.

kittyfishersknickers2 · 30/04/2013 18:49

Thank you. I think I am OK now. It was really weird to read this through again - I had forgotten quite a bit of the details. It was really helpful (and affecting) to see that basically hundreds of people were really shocked by what had happened. I genuinely didn't expect that when I first posted, I don't think. If I ever doubt that I did the right thing (which I don't think I will) I can come and read this again.

blairsmummy · 14/05/2013 23:57

I have just sat and read every single post on this thread. I am hoping to God it will give me the strength to stay away from my abusive ex, who sounds incredibly like the OP'S partner. It is inspiring to hear about someone getting out of this situation, especially when right now that road seems hideously long x

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