Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

[kittyfishersknickers]

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

there is always a couple of these idiots on threads like this

bark can you stop blaming a victim of rape for her own rape please.

It is fucking disgusting.

In answer to your question kitty, no, I wouldn't forgive.

I could never feel safe again.

I would never feel that I had bodily integrity with this man in my bed.

You said he could carry on because he made it clear that you wouldn't be sleeping anyway, until he'd wanked into your vagina.

I would not want a man like that in my bed or in my home.

Sorry.

Lots of rape victims give in in the end.

Because it is easier than continuing to fight. And in many cases, safer.

So stop with your rape apologia bark.

It is totally inappropriate on a support thread for a woman who has been raped by her husband.

Don't tell me to piss off because I have a different opinion. You can't judge a man having read three paras of a situation. OP - bottom line is - it depends on ur relationship n the person u are married to. My hubby sometimes has to coax me into sex, which I then thoroughly enjoy......if I really wasn't in the mood, I'd say a firm no, and that'll be the end of it. Sometimes my no is more - I'm tired n can't be bothered, n I soon change my mind wen turned on! Only you can tell if it was rape!

Bark for fuck's sake learn the laws of this land will you before you barge on to a thread that is beyond the limits of your intelligence? The law says that consent must be given before penetration. That didn't happen here. It is rape. The only person at fault here is the rapist.

OP

I would not trust this man at all. Although I disagree with Barks viewpoint - i really wouldn't trust him not to do it again.

I could not sleep in a bed with a man who did not respect my right to say no to sex and to sleep unmolested in my bed. If you don't feel safe at home - what is left?

It's a sad fact that we live in a society where something as clear as rape or murder can be downgraded because it is the woman who is the victim. Honour killings and murder of a wife (still the most common and yet least publicised type of murder, unless the husband chooses to kill the kids as well) are sometimes excused because the woman apparently 'asked for it'. I wish we did live in a world where it was bloody obvious that forcing/coercing sex from an unwilling partner was outright condemned, but when push comes to shove, there are plenty of men who feel it's acceptable that their demand override what is an outrageously invasive act. What your partner did was an outrage, and you are right to feel upset and confused. If he's since understood how much it has damaged your relationship, then there is room to make amends. But he really does need to understand the full seriousness of what he did and never, ever, ever excuse it or repeat it.

Text speak, 'hubby', terrible spelling, victim-blaming and rape apologia.

I'm really sorry you've had to read this shit, OP.

Bark - I think the fact that the OP is still upset 3 months later would dispel your theory that it was a case of "no/maybe"

bark if you're happy to accept coercion and lack of respect in your relationship, that is entirely your prerogative.

Don't tell other women who are unhappy enough to post about it on a public forum, that they have to as well.

And don't tell a rape victim that rape is only a "feeling" that she decides if she's been raped. Rape is a crime. The law defines it. Not the victim, not the perpetrators, not randoms on a website. The law. What the OP's DH did, in law, is rape. Look it up if you're so unaware of that.

Bark - the fact that the op has needed to forgive should tell you that she did not want to have sex - if it was just coaching then why should she have to forgive him? she explains very clearly that she said no, continued to say no and he held her firmly and had sex despite her saying no.

if a man says yes, and a woman says no, - no matter at what point it is rape.
the bottom line is she did not want sex - she knows she did not want sex, she said NO and he did it anyway. what more does she have to explain for this to constitute a rape for you?

if she was happy with this she wouldnt be posting on here would she?

Windsor....what's wrong with the word 'hubby''! Shut up re bad spelling. I don't condone Rape....I'm not victim blaming - she asked for different opinions, and I'm just giving a different view point!
Northcountrygirl , I suppose so!

Her question was - do u think it is poss to do that sort of thing and not intend it???

bark - have you considered that you are the lone voice in this, and that the way in which your posts are coming over could be very difficult for the OP to read when she feels that she was raped and has had to have a discussion with her husband about it. Perhaps the OP posted here to confirm her own suspicions about her unease with the whole situation, perhaps she would like some support.

Read and re read the OP bark this wasnt just a bit of gentle persuasion.

Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me

That defines what happened. On its own.

Does not sound like coaxing to me.

So sorry OP

bark - you cannot unintentionally rape a person. no. thats the answer.

Does nobody else find it worrying that they had had a conversation saying 'no sex'

Yet

Op STILL felt she needed to wear leggings/t shirt to bed to reinforce that??!

I'm intrigued by the 'special safe word', though. What is that?

I think maybe he didn't realise though, because I didnt seem upset at the time? Maybe I should have shown more distress. I was quite sleepy and disorianted though. Until very recently he refused to admit he had done anything wrong, but we were discussing it again and he said 'I promise I will never do it again, you have my word. Your health and happiness means much more to me'. I think this is why I'm talking about it now, because he has basically admitted it now when I have been convinced that there wasn't that much in it.

MrsLadywoman - in the past we have had some quite 'edgy' sex and we had a safe word for me to say if I didnt like it. He always stopped if I said it

i think you can only decide whether to forgive him if you fully acknowledge what took place and what he did.

If it has been playing on your mind i would speak to someone in confidence via one of the many excellent advice lines on the go.

how do you feel about it now kitty?

your opening post didnt sound like you had fully decided what to do? has it unnerved you the more you have thought about it?

Special safe word can be something for role play.

So if you want to pretend non consent as part of a game it is the stop signal.

They also have this for non sex stuff like use of force training for police/prison staff (where someone is pretending to be a violent offendwr)

Well that's a start but frankly, you shouldn't really need to express upset and distress for him to take no for an answer. I know it's really hard to tell from these forums the detail of a situation, but look at what you've written and have an objective think about how what you've written looks. Even saying 'your health and happiness means much more to me' sounds a bit weird. He really should be feeling bloody awful about what he did and asking whether you could ever see your way to forgiving him...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP, because of what he decided to do.

Even if the actions didn't speak for themselves (which they do - he knew perfectly well that you didn't want to have sex but just decided to penetrate you anyway, this is awful and illegal), his actions afterwards would.

"Until very recently he refused to admit he had done anything wrong" - THIS is the really scary part. In the vanishingly unlikely event that you hadn't made yourself perfectly clear at the time, any normal man would be in AGONY at the thought that he had hurt the woman he loved in such a way (mentally and/or physically).

In answer to your question - no. I could never feel safe again. Ask yourself - are you devoting a part of the back of your mind to wondering if - when - he is going to decide again that your bodily autonomy is just nothing to him?