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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

364 replies

kittyfishersknickers · 05/01/2012 22:52

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

OP posts:
RosieJimminy · 27/01/2012 15:58

In response to this..

I think it's extremely dangerous to think of rape only as a stranger down an alley jumping on you. Most rapes are not like that at all.

yellowraincoat · 27/01/2012 15:58

Not the place, love. Calm down. OP has asked you to leave it.

kittyfishersknickers · 27/01/2012 15:59

Well I'm not interested in anything you have to say, Rosie, put it that way. I don't think you're being very constructive. If you want to know what your husband thinks of what happened then why don't you ask him? He may not feel badly about it.

OP posts:
ClarryKitten · 27/01/2012 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

yellowraincoat · 27/01/2012 16:02

Ha ha ha, ClarryKitten, really? Jesus, if that's your attitude, honestly, I pity you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 16:03

Reported you, Clarry. Please don't say anymore.

yummyoldbag · 27/01/2012 16:03

The phrase about 'getting used to' sex again. Is that what he really thinks? Kitty you really need to talk in real life to someone who can help you decide whether this relationships is what you want. I realise telling you contact Women' Aid sounds like a standard over the top suggestion but you might find someone there who could help you and that is more important that the name of or website of an organisation.

RosieJimminy · 27/01/2012 16:04

Show your DH this thread Kitty. He deserves to know what he's up against. Seriously. Have the courage of everyone else's convictions. Do it for the Sisterhood.

kittyfishersknickers · 27/01/2012 16:08

Rosie, I am going to say something really below the belt to you in a minute. Honestly, the words are in my head and my fingers are itching.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 16:08

Why don't you show your husband this thread, RosieJimminy?

yellowraincoat · 27/01/2012 16:08

Do you know what, Rosie? This is a support thread. Not a "what is rape" thread and not a "feminism" thread. If you want to discuss that stuff, go over to the feminist section where you can exchange in a virile exchange of viewpoints.

As it is, you're acting like a prize asshole right now.

RosieJimminy · 27/01/2012 16:12

My money's on the fact that you won't. Why don't the other poster's show this thread to their DH's 'Look, this is what I advise total strangers online'.

Would the poster's say this to the OP's DH? To his face?

This thread is insidious. OP started out saying she had forgiven. Now he's filth. Why is that?

Carry on believing that you're all so worthy and RIGHT, no matter who you destroy in the process. Well done.

Xanadudoo · 27/01/2012 16:15

The main thing is to support the OP, so I wont go off on one, but I think Rosie has a point, although she has taken it too far on this thread.

Sex without consent is rape, no matter where or how or by whom it happens. I do think the OP was raped, although what is important is how the OP feels about this.

ClarryKitten · 27/01/2012 16:16

Ah yes i forgot - consent must be given before any form of sexual interaction between man and wife.

Darling...here is a letter from my lawyer it roughly outlines the mode of my declaration concerning your lady bits this evening. Should you wish to consent please sign on the following page and I shall fax it off tonight.

And we thought condoms were a passion killer.

He was being selfish and that shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship. However he's no worse than the guy who buys his wife the same old crap on her birthday and rarely gives her a second thought the rest of the year. He should have been able to distinguish between a 'Im too tired but could be persuaded' No and a 'I really don't want sex tonight' No.

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS - even men. we do not interact perfectly all of the time.

He feels bad now. He did not consider it rape then. INTENT matters. He did not want to rape his wife. A rapists WANTS to rape a woman he doesn't just really want a bit of nookie.

windsorTides · 27/01/2012 16:19

I'm going to skip over the derailer.

Kitty, I haven't posted for a while on this thread because I couldn't empathise with the position you were taking, so thought it best to stay away. But as I was the first to reply to you, I decided to read your thread all over again today to see if anything jumped out at me.

It did. First, I have made different assumptions to some other posters, about your relationship. I don't think you're married, I'm not even sure you live together and from what you've said about having no strong associations with his family and friends, it sounds as though for whatever reason, you and he keep this relationship a bit under wraps and separate from the outside world. This is relevant only because if true, it means your relationship is immune from outside scrutiny and you're unlikely to get feedback about him from friends and family if no-one really knows him or sees you together, or if you don't see him in his own family/friends setting.

Because it seems that you haven't yet developed your own radar about what's unacceptable in relationships with men, this is a big issue, if true.

Secondly, I get the impression you're a regular Mumsnetter and not a first-time poster, so I wondered whether you've ever posted before about this man and about things that have happened in your relationship? You've admitted you've felt pressurised before sexually. Have you ever had any warnings from other posters about him?

windsorTides · 27/01/2012 16:20

Derailers plural I see Angry. Best reported or ignored, I'd think.

yellowraincoat · 27/01/2012 16:23

I think ignoring is the best way forward.

piratecat · 27/01/2012 16:35

the fact you say in your op, about forgiveness, means to you Kitty there was something done wrong.

He is a controlling man Kitty, who is confusing you, and has you second guessing, he has known you since you were young and sees you as such.

i really feel for you, you seem so confused. I hope you make progress with the counselling, till you believe in yourself.

GeekCool · 27/01/2012 16:38

He feels bad now. He did not consider it rape then.

Oh well then, as long as he didn't think it was rape, what the hell is OP worrying about? Hmm

GeekCool · 27/01/2012 16:40

And now ignoring (sorry Blush ) the derailers...I agree with piratecat. Keep up the counselling and keep thinking about your thoughts, your feelings on everything. Not his.

And good luck. x

Xanadudoo · 27/01/2012 16:45

Some really unpleasant people on this thread. Feel sorry for the OP>

yummyoldbag · 27/01/2012 16:47

Keep up the counselling and keep thinking about your thoughts, your feelings on everything. Not his.

Repeated from Geek - this is very good advice. You are, I think, playing with ideas and opinions on here as a safe place. You will, I suspect, make up your own mind about what you want :)

RosieJimminy · 27/01/2012 16:57

Ignore the derailers? Oh, you mean someone who has a different view?

If MN delete my posts on the basis that I have a differing view to other posters then MNHQ has no integrity. I haven't personally attacked anyone, my posts are within the guidelines.

Anyway, OP. Just. Leave. Him.

As you were. (Ignoring me, that is. Although you secretly had a read didn't you!).

anonacfr · 27/01/2012 17:18

I can't believe any loving partner would be ok with their other half lying there unresponsive and clearly not enjoying sex and their only comment would be that they 'need to get used to it again'.

WTAF? You have to get used to sex???? This is messed up. He knows how you feel and yet puts his needs first regardless. The guy has no empathy or respect for you.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 19:03

For people who rape, it isn't about sex

It's about power, domination and showing someone they are the one in control

People who think rape is about sex need to educate themselves

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