Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

[kittyfishersknickers]

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

basically he lost control and he knows that, he knows what he done was wrong. its wrong you cant mention it if you want to talk about it.

however you seem t have put it behind you and as such there really is no need to go back over it if it makes no difference to how you live your life.

Oh sweetheart, it's sounding like you have now justified this to yourself. It will happen again, and probably escalate. I think there are some power issues in your relationship that hopefully the counselling will,help,with.

Please take care xx

Kitty, how are you feeling about the fact that you're "not allowed" to mention what happened?

I feel quite paralysed, which is why I haven't done anything about it. I suppose I'm now hoping that he has taken it in, even if he won't discuss it with me. I sort of wish I'd never started thinking about it, because I now feel almost asexual and can't enjoy sex. Not since it happened, but just since I started thinking about it. He hasn't said it outright but he seems to think that our continuing to have sex will 'rehabilitate' me in some way and I will get over it. I feel a lot less trusting of him, now lock the bathroom door if I'm having a shower. It's fine when we aren't doing anything sexual but if we are it feels like he's not him and I'm not me. It's very weird.

It sounds to me like your brain is trying to start processing what happened but it's finding it very difficult so it's numbing you to the feelings that are trying to break through. I was abused as a child (different situation I know) and sometimes when it's playing on my mind I feel that sort of "not there" sensation that you've been having. Over the years I've come to recognise it as a sort of defence mechanism - my confused brain starts to see DH as a threat, but I know rationally that he's not so I sort of take one step away from things to prevent the irrational fears from taking over. The thing is, your DP is a threat, he's shown you that already, so while you're trying to convince yourself everything is ok your brain is saying "get away."

Are you seeing your counsellor again?

I cannot imagine any circumstances in which my hisband would thinkit was Kmto do this. If genuinelymwantopnions, I could not and would not let this go.

I don't know, I don't think he will do anything else. I'm trying to work out whether he has taken responsibility for it in his own mind or not. He is certainly being very nice and seems understanding. He refers to it obliquely and is understanding about my new neuroses about sex/intimacy. I think its going to take time before I can clear my mind and get a grip on it. At the moment its like all the wheels jam and I can't think about it properly

I am seeing counsellor again tomorrow btw

Kitty, love, not wanting to have sex of an evening is not a neurosis. It's allowed, in healthy, non-abusive relationships.

Your brain is trying to trying to protect you. You are trying to process an assault on your body.

It's good that you're seeing the counsellor tomorrow. Give yourself a chance to sort this all out in your head, don't put pressure on yourself to "get over" it too quickly. As MrsJoeDuffy said, you're perfectly entitled to be a bit funny about sex and to not want it at the moment, and there's no reason for your DP to be "understanding" of your "neuroses". You're not neurotic, you're just dealing with some tough stuff at the moment. I understand what you mean about the wheels jamming, that sounds a bit like what happens to me. It's very odd and a bit unsettling but it is normal. Just give it time, go easy on yourself.

I think (another) part of the problem is that he has known me since I was very young so he can make things very plausible. He tells me about once a day that I am not 'streetwise' and need looking after. This really started ramping up after I got into a bit of a situation with someone at work who made a pass at me, and I didn't handle it very well.

Kitty, to be honest, the more you say about him the worse he's looking. The whole thing about telling you you're not streetwise and need looking after is a bit creepy really, it sounds like he has no respect for you and just sees you as a child. In a lot of your posts you sound like you look for a lot of validation for how you think and feel and I suspect he has contributed a lot to that - it seems like he has worked hard to make you doubt yourself. Remember that you don't have to please him, you can be yourself and do what you want to do without his permission and without his approval. It would be good to mention all of this to the counsellor tomorrow.

Do you like the fact that he says you need looking after?

I am not sure that he does much to make you feel good (I am leaving the 'incident' to one side).

He makes you feel as though you need someone to 'take care of you', that you are not able to take care of yourself. That alone is a big big issue, Can you talk to your counsellor about that? Talk about why a 'partner' would ever want to damage your self esteem? The age difference and that fact he has known you for years is troubling - he really does not see you as an adult with the right to say 'no' does he?

I am so sorry but I think you probably know what is happening here, and know it is wrong. Talk to a friend, lots of friends, family whoever but start making plans to move on. Please.

yummyoldbag,HereIGo and CailinDana - I am starting to see what you mean. I have been 'testing' him, making statements about myself and what I believe to be true, and seeing how many times he just dismisses them (quite often). He only wants me to be the way he wants me to be - it didn't strike me as sinister before because his image of me is quite a nice one. I have recently come to the conclusion that I will not/do not want to have children (he already has two). He doesn't like the idea of this, and it's nothing to do with him wanting more children. He wants me to want them, for some reason. A few years back, when I finished studying, he was obsessed with the idea of me doing a PhD (something I had thought of doing). I decided not to, but he wouldn't let the idea go for ages. It totally wasn't right for me.

But I don't ever get to prove him wrong, because he can always say 'In 10 years you won't feel the same.' It really makes my TEETH ITCH.

Hi Kitty, I'm sorry that you're going through all this. That sounds like a dreadful thing to say! How can he possibly know how you'll feel in 10 years time? He may be older but he's a totally different person. It sounds like he's trying to decide who you are for you, and to slightly put you down as if you aren't mature enough to know what you really think. And as for claiming you're not 'streetwise' well it sounds like he wants to turn you into a child so he can protect (control?) you.

Does he say positive things to you and ask what your opinions are on things (news, events, people you both know, his work) , as someone separate from him?

It sounds like he's trying to mould you into his perfect little doll.

kitty - there is a definite imbalance of power in this relationship, and one that you have never come to question, until he did something that you could not ignore.

i think you should take the time to explore your feelings - because they are there, and i sense that there is a niggling doubt, eating away at the very back of your mind, yet, its difficult, because you cant quite weigh it all up, he looks after you, he is nice to you, he loves you,
but you should listen to those little whispers in the very back of your mind, because they are there for a reason.
you are growing up, changing, becoming your own person with your own wants and thoughts and he doesnt like it.

i would urge you to continue with the counselling and just jot these thoughts and feelings down as and when you feel them, so that when you go to the counsellor you can talk them through even if at the time it feels redundant.

now - i need to take my own advice.

I am glad you are thinking...and really glad you have posted. It is very very tough to be confronted as you have been on this thread. I hope that the courage you have shown by starting to unravel how you feel ( and no one else) will stand you in good stead over the next few weeks and months. Have a hug. x

Very true HereIGo - it's easy in some ways being in a controlling relationship. You don't need to make any decisions and you don't need to take responsibility when things go wrong.

It's the same sort of thing as people who will NEVER say where they want to go/eat/whatever, answering everything with "oh I don't mind". By putting the decision on everyone else, they make it easier on themselves. I used to be very like this.

It will take time, kitty, but I hope you find your way through this.

You are right HereIGo. I didn't have much input from my parents when I was a child, so he sort of fills that role. And his 'controlling' behaviour has been for the best at times, when he's guided me towards a good solution. And we do actually have similar views and agree on such a lot that his desire to have everything how he wants it doesn't always seem obvious..

I have spoken to one friend - she has always been slightly suspicious of him but decided she's happy if I am. Told her the story of the 'incident' (still can't use the word) and she was disturbed, but not in an OH MY GOD way. I suppose she was taking her lead from me and I wasn't seeming very upset.

I'm not sure why I have such a high tolerance for bad behaviour. Thinking about it, he has crossed boundaries before. He once came in me when I'd asked him not to (there was a risk of pregnancy) but was so apologetic and said it was an accident - I didn't know much about how it works like that for men so accepted it.

Thank you everyone for your continued advice btw