I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

You don't know that he is a "porn user". He looked at redtube, a couple of times, two years ago. That's all that is known for sure. Lots of projecting going on here.

He was a porn user and, from what the OP has posted, he carried on after she'd said it wasn't something she could accept in a relationship.

Also being a barefaced liar doesn't require being a master of deceit. If that was the OP's husband on the other thread though, he comes across as creepy and manipulative.

Looking at one site, a couple of times at a time when Dh was suffering from erectile dysfunction does not make him a porn user. As has already been stated most men have looked at porn at some point in their lives but only a minority use it with sufficient regularity that they could be labelled porn users.

I hate porn for the feminist reasons you outline, but those don't actually seem to be the op's issue with it at all.

Do you think you are being helpful here, really?

Thunder
to be fair, a lot of people do not know about the way in which porn is made and distributed. DH was horrified when I talked to him about it, and it made him see the issue from a different perspective.

And the OP does not seem to have an objection to porn on this basis, but from her experience with her ex.

I'm sure it helps the OP to hear a number of different viewpoints.

Given that I'm not calling her cruel or emotionally abusive chubfuddler, then I think my posts are a positive contribution.

You seem to be a bit in denial about porn use. Millions of men and boys are regular users of pornography. It must be difficult for you to know your husband used it.

Did I say my husband uses porn? Attempting to hurt posters who disagree with you is somewhat shitty, don't you think?

It must bd devastating for you to realise you are in fact a bit of a bitch, and not the wonderful feminist sister you probably believe yourself to be.

that was uncalled for, thunder.

"You seem to be a bit in denial about porn use. Millions of men and boys are regular users of pornography. It must be difficult for you to know your husband used it."

Did Chub say that her husband used porn? Because I didn't see her infer anything of the sort.

You've put words into people's mouth a few times on this thread, including mine (the women-friendly porn post) I don't think that your contributions are all that positive, to be frank. All you are doing is feeding the OP's paranoia. Looking at a porn site once does not make a man a porn user, rather someone who tried porn. I tried cocaine once. That doesn't make me a coke user, rather someone who tried coke once. I think that you are using this thread to vent your own feelings about porn, rather than trying to offer any practical advice to the OP.

Ohhh thunder. I said last night. You are just embarrassing yourself. By making stuff up. It's all in black and white. For your own nasty agenda.

So if that study about not being able to find a bloke who has never used porn is true.

By your theory all men are porn users. So op is never going to find her perfect man. Bad luck op. I mean seriously, as if.

Low blow, Thunder.

Threads like these are often derailed by those with an agenda, and I find it a shame because there are many ways of looking at this issue, and not all of them will actually help the OP. Which is what this thread is about.

If you want to debate porn use then go ahead and start a thread in feminism, but don't use it to distress other posters, particularly the OP.

You are enjoying the drama!

You've met any suggestions of how to change the way you feel with hystrionics- shoot me now.

Move along ladies, op doesn't want to solve anything, we're becoming part of the problem.
Poor guy.

I think thunder has got the wrong end of the stick and then used it to beat me.

It was the op's husband who looked at porn during a spell of ed, not mine.

Her obvious delight in what she thought was a distressing episode in my past is still bitchy though.

No delight. But if you're telling me to stop posting on the thread because it makes you uncomfortable to hear criticism about men who use porn then there's no reason not to highlight that motivation.

As for agendas, the "porn is fine crowd, there's no problem with the men who use it" seem to be out in force here.

I think the words you see on your screen must be cometely different from what everyone else is reading tbh. There is no porn crowd and no one is saying the op is wrong to have a problem with porn use.

Actually people are telling her that her reaction is the overreaction, rather than criticising what her husband has done. She's been called cruel, emotionally abusive and in need of counselling.

Maybe you need to read the thread again.

"So if that study about not being able to find a bloke who has never used porn is true."

Which study?

"By your theory all men are porn users. So op is never going to find her perfect man. Bad luck op. I mean seriously, as if."

Weren't we just talking aobut putting words into people's mouths? The idea that all men use porn is BS and certainly has nothing to do with my so-called theory, whatever that might be. It's just an excuse made by the don't criticise porn or porn users brigade to let men who do use it off the hook.

Why are you unable to read between the lines, Thunder?

No-one has excused the OP's husband. Most of us agree that he was wrong to do what he did but most of us agree that divorce is pretty strong for one mistake.

However, would you care to expand on why you suggested that Chub must be devastated, or whatever word it was you used, that her husband uses porn when she has never hinted at any such thing?

You have offered no advice. You've just used this thread to rant about porn.

I'm sorry you haven't read the thread Bupcakes. This was my first post on this thread to the OP:

"Can't believe the kicking you're getting on here OP.

You stated a boundary that you had in a relationship, and he proceeded to ignore that boundary and made the decision to lie about it too.

You've got every right to be upset. And it means that you didn't have a perfect relationship nor is he a good man. How are you supposed to trust someone who thinks it's OK to lie to you just because they want something? Porn isn't sacrosanct, men can live without it.

It's also creepy as hell that he's using Mumsnet to garner support for himself when it's your source of support."

I've also defended her against the people who've been saying terrible things to her like she's cruel and emotionally abusive.

If you're so concerned about helping the OP why aren't you helping her instead of attacking my posts?

Bupcakes has been helpful. The op said so.

And the op has not had a kicking by any stretch of the imagination.

Being called cruel and emotionally abusive and told you're overreacting because you're upset that your husband lied to about something very important is getting a kicking.

"I'm sorry you haven't read the thread Bupcakes."

Oh wind your neck in, with your passive-aggressive bollocks. I think it's clear from my responses to the OP that I have read (and actually absorbed) the thread. I have offered some practical advice at least. Is the feminism board quiet today or something?

I haven't called the OP cruel or anything of the sort so if you could stop using that as ammunition to discredit me, I would be ever so grateful.

You still haven't answered why you made the snidey remark about Chub's husband being a porn user and for that matter, you haven't addressed my reply to you about using porn once not equalling a porn user. Instead, you are banging on like a stuck record about OP being called cruel at the start of the thread. You are choosing to ignore that the majority of us have supported the OP. You are just pissed off because no-one is interested in joining your anti-porn crusade. If you want people to join in on such a topic, then I would start a thread in the relevant section rather than trying to twist this thread to suit what you want to rant about.

Also, do you think that reactions may have been different if OP had started a thread about her husband's secret porn stash what she just found under the floorboards/massive porn library on his laptop, rather than starting a thread about his ONE TIME porn use? I think there would be more people chanting "Leave the bastard" of that had been the case. As it is, her husband made one mistake for which he sounds contrite. The reason that this thread ISN'T about whether porn is bad or not is because we have no idea whether the OP's DH realises what goes on in the making of pornography. I certainly didn't until I joined MN. We have been asked whether her marriage is a lie based on a mistake NOT what we think of pornography.

Porn, or not porn. OP's dh, or not. The thread has unhappily conflated his promises to OP, and the issue of people (mainly men) using pornography.
Also wonder how sure Achange was when dh made his 'Porn no more' declaration. Is there a possibility that both Achange and dh wanted their relationship so much they went on a 'punt' on the porn thing?

Thunder
I called you on the use of the word "kicking" when you used it.

The OP had not had a kicking. Most people responded that it was wrong of her DH to use porn, when he knew of her aversion and the reason for that aversion. He knew of her ex's behaviour.

What many of us have said is that while we accept he made a mistake, it is unreasonable to worry about a ONE TIME porn use for two years, and points to a perhaps unresolved issue from her past. For this, and to help save her marriage, she has been advised to have counselling.

The "emotional abuse" comments were aluding to the thread where the OP had an affair and her DH was still bashing her for this years later and were hotly discussed as to their relevance.

Passive aggressive bollocks as opposed to aggressive aggressive BS from you Bupcakes, eh?

What am I supposed to say to crap like "you've offered the OP no advice", when my first post was clearly supportive and affirmed her feelings.

It seems like you're the one who is pissed off, not me, given that you're ranting about what I've posted. I'm here to let the OP know that her reaction to finding out that her husband lied about pornography is not an overreaction.