I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

She's right though. There is only so long she can punish him for this, dragging it up.

She either makes a choice to forgive and move on without banging on for two years. Or she leaves him as she won't ever be happy, nor will he.

I don't think what she is putting him through is fair and I do think she will end up on her own.

It was teeny lie that grew to how it did because of op banging on. She knew the truth deep down, she admitted that. Then married him? Why do that, is she knew shed continue beating him with that stick. Not nice at all.

So above what age is it not ok to look at porn then? I can't believe you're admitting to having used it yourself and now berating your DH for looking at it once, particularly if he was having problems with ED.

Yes, I know it's the lying that bothers you more, but really have you never told a lie?

WIndsorTides: I am not obsessed with men's viewing of porn, I am a supporter of people's right to view sexually explicit material if they want to - and also of the right of a person not to be punished endlessly for a mistake, whether that's telling a lie to spare someone else's feelings or even having an affair. If something's such a deal breaker for you (generic 'you') then ok, maybe you might choose to walk away. But you either walk away or forgive, you don't get to occupy the moral high ground by constant picking and whining and obsessing and persecution of the other person.

I am, unusually, in sympathy with sgb. Not understanding your loved one's "impurities" is ok - but there is an other world where you can accept them, and see that you too have 'impurities'. Loving someone ISN'T about them being just like you. If it was, then we would learn nothing from each other. Which is what relationships should be about?

I don't know how many times the OP or others have to point this out, but she only had her suspicions confirmed 2 weeks ago. Some of you seem to be under the mistaken belief that the OP agreed to get past this a long time ago, but has wilfully chosen not to. She has therefore not been 'banging on about it' for 2 years, having made an active decision to forgive and forget following an admission. That 'decision' was taken away from her. Had the OP's H admitted the truth 2 years ago or at any point since - and his wife had agreed to get past it and move on but wouldn't, then I'd be minded to agree that her actions were punitive - but that isn't the case.

As it is, these revelations are new and the OP must decide what she can live with. Her decision process started 2 weeks ago, not 2 years ago.

Berating her for overlooking her instincts and disregarding her intrusive dreams in order to stay in the relationship is unfair. What response do you think an OP would get if she started a thread discussing an otherwise happy relationship, but was thinking of ending it because of a hunch and a few bad dreams?

I don't disagree that relationships will only succeed if there is an acceptance of human frailty and joint acknowledgement that both parties will disappoint eachother from time to time - and it's never a good idea to idealise a partner and believe that he is infallible. We all have our personal deal-breakers in relationships though, often based on past hurts and experiences. I am not in the least bit surprised that given the OP's history of abuse, repeated lying and porn use were hers. Her husband was of course free at any time to say he couldn't promise that, but he didn't and the OP made decisions in good faith.

Now that the truth has come to light, the OP and her husband have got some new decisions to make, but the clock started only 2 weeks ago in that process.

Yes thank you Windsor it was 2weeks ago the truth came out not two years about how he visited redtube three times, not once.

Or do some deem 2 weeks is indeed a suitable time frame in which to process the truth and my feelings in a healthy way? Or do people agree feeling anger and losing sleep is not healthy and perhaps gaining perspective and advice whilst being allowed to vent honestly is indeed conductive to emotional well being on a board such as this? Isn't this the very purpose of the board?

Anyway dh and I talked for about 6 hours last night about everything. Our pasts before each other, our past after we met and who we are today and why.

He knows the fault is with him for violating my trust and feels he has taken the cowards way with his lies and recognises the immaturity of his action. all his words by the way. He says he feels he has matured beyond who he was then and becoming a married father to a beautiful little girl has changed him even more. He realises how wrong he was but asked me to judge him for who he is now, not then.

Dh feels no resentment to me having dreams beyond my control and questioning him on the truth.Especially seeing as they were justified.

He understands I need time and will wait until the end of time for me if that's what it takes. He his ordered books to help and arranged couselling.

He also talked very honestly about his sexual past and some of what he said was very sad and shocking but helped me understand him better and why he did what he did.

As pan says, He did say he feels I see him as almost superhuman and he thinks this is something we must work on as it's unobtainable.

I have made a decision that to throw this away would be stupid. I actually feel the silver lining in all this is my love for him is even stronger as I have seen how much he has grown and how he is willing to walk to the ends of the earth to make this right again.

I won't turn my back on love like that.

Thank you to all that helped and allowed me to safely be honest with my feelings and not judge me. You have helped more than you know x

Windsor I have re read your post now baby is sleeping and it takes my breath away just how much you can articulate my exact feelings and thoughts. It's a bit muddly in my head so it's great to see it in writing so succinctly.

Thank you x

Congrats. and well done you. It's often really easy to make a bad situation worse.

Thank you pan and thank you for your posts. Really made me realise how unrealistic i was about how perfect he should be which was contributing to the pain.

I realise I need a much more balanced and healthy view so than you I think this will help towards a brighter future x

Oh. Achange. I cried reading your post.

I am so glad that you and he were able to open up and be really honest.

Good luck to you both, I wish you much happiness together.

Thank you mme! Your posts have helped so much both in terms of helping our marriage and helping me grow as a person. Thank you for not judging me and listening xxx

Ahhh that's great Achange

Well done, OP. You've taken a brave step and.

Good luck and remember you DO deserve a happy future.

Thank you so much both of you.You have both been great, a true credit to mn.
Bup thanks so much for driving it home to me how hard ED Is for a man. It didn't occur to me to really think how damaging it was to him.

Made me cry last night when dh admitted he used to cry wondering how he would ever have children of his own if it carried on. My heart went out to him but thanks to you we both could get things out in the open xxxx

Good to see your updates Achange.

It's often easier on the outside to articulate complex feelings, but thanks anyway. I hope you'll be happy in your future, because it sounds as though you deserve to be. Good luck.

I'm very, very glad that you have been able to have such a positive conversation with your DH, Achange, and I hope that it helps you (both) to move on.

Wishing you and your H all the best for a happy future Achange.

*should have been AND a positive one in making your marriage work long-term.

I'm glad I could be of help. Sometimes it does take someone else who's been through a similar experience to put a different slant on it and MN is great for that. :)

If it happens again, he should go to a doctor and get to the bottom of it. Sometimes it's a symptom of other problems.

Best of luck to you both and well done for your frankness and openness with each other.