I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

See I think mmms post is basically it. This guy is not your ex, he had a dabble two years ago. Not since.

He gets it. He lied at the time to spare your feelings. You stayed with him, chose to believe him and moved on. You got married and had his baby. That should have been that.

But you couldn't let it go. This has to be linked to your past. So because you kept going on about it and questioning him. The importance of keeping the lie grew...this would have been the fall out either way.

Yes what he did was horrible and hurtful for you. But I do think it was probably a one off white lie to actually spare your feelings.

I don't think he is this nasty women hating, daily porn using, abusive twunt that you had before.

I also wouldn't see your marriage as a lie. You knew deep down, what the truth was really. Hence the questioning for two years, but you still married him. Could that be because you know deep down he is a good guy, made a mistake not to be repeated and he loves you?

Who says I'm new? I couldn't care less who you are worth it. Sorry to burst your bubble. I actually have never heard of you. I'd have used a different name. If I knew I'd be stalked in each thread.

I cant really help what I dream though! I doubt it would have been mentioned again if not for the dreams.

Up until now he has been everything I could have wished for.

I just feel....odd about him...like he is a bit of a stranger?

Why is he a stranger? Because he lied. Or because he looked at porn?

I think that the lie got so big that he could not hold it in any longer and he had to tell you, despite knowing that it would be a big deal for you.

Anohter example of how he is a good guy, btw. That he has a conscience and was unable to ignore it.

Actually, it's in his favour that he admitted it. He is not a narsistic egoistic twat like your ex.

I think you need to go and sit down and talk to him. Really I think a lot of feelings are linked to your past. I also think 3 months did you say? Hormones or pnd could be a factor here.

You know these things can make it all so foggy and hard. Like a resolution will never be obtainable.

I don't think you should be making rash choices. Or trying to push him away, trying as a self defence thing to make him your ex.

I think you need to talk talk talk.

Thunderbolts I agree with your posts here.

The next step in the argument that virtually all men look at porn is that therefore women who feel betrayed when their H or P does this need to get over themselves .

I also think counselling is a good idea. OP, you have every right to ask for the whole truth. In the end though, only you can decide if the breach of trust has been enough to make a difference, and if so what difference.

I personally do not understand what part of 'I really hate porn and it is really important to me that the man I marry will not use it' could equal 'Go ahead and look at porn; I won't consider it a betrayal of trust'. How much did this man need to have spelled out for him? I think the ED thing is a crock.

I was also asked to forgive something but had doubts, and my doubts turned out to be justified. I still have the feeling I never got to the bottom of it, but I made a decision based on the fact that I couldn't live without knowing for certain and the realisation that exH would never tell me the whole truth. I couldn't live with the lack of trust.

OP, you need to ask yourself if you want to know the truth, how will you react if it turns out to be uglier than you wanted it to be, or if you can ever be satisfied that you have heard the whole story. No matter what transpires, your relationship is not going to go back to exactly what it was when you were blissfully happy. You may end up with a new happy.

So. Moving forward. Will you go to the counselling with him do you think? It's still pretty soon since you found out, maybe give it a couple of months to settle.

It would be such a shame to let this affect, anymore, an otherwise happy marriage. You have (understandably) set a lot of store at the porn aspect. But it is obvious the fact that he lied that affects you more.

I hope you can work it out together.

We have talked for hours but keep going in circles

I felt fine yesterday i even forgot about it. but then couldnt sleep last night driving myself wondering what other secrets he had.

I hate that. I hate the suspicion that overtakes.

I doubt pnd as I was feeling the most happy and content in my whole life before this with the arrival of our beautiful daughter.

Maths
To be fair, few of us have said that. Most have agreed that the OPs husband shouldn't have looked at porn, particularly as it was something that was important to her.

I don't think most men look at porn regularly but I do think that many men look occasionally.

Only the couple in the relationship can decide what is right for them, how much is too much. Since the OP feels so strongly, it was wrong of her H to look and doubly wrong to lie.

Not sure I would ever advise anyone to break up a marriage over a mistake made 2 years ago and lied about since.

It may not be pnd. But 3 months is a typical onset time. If the constant thoughts persist and they interfere with your sleep. Then there could be more to your thought processes ATM.

Two years is a very, very long time to punish a partner for a minor lapse. And looking at a bit of porn on Redtube (with no suggestion at all that the H was looking for anything extreme) is a minor lapse.
Even for a major lapse, you don't get to punish the partner and obsess about the lapse indefinitely; you either reach forgiveness or you end the relationship.

Maths that's just it- no one is buying the educational story. I feel the whole truth isnt there. I'm so shocked it's him i am writing about.I held him very good esteem before this, inspire of the niggling doubts

Why does this make you think that he has other secrets?

Tbh, the fact that he broke and confessed this (what many men would not even feel bore admitting to) makes me think that he is not good at concealing things from you. Ok, he kept the secret for 2 years, but offered the truth eventually

Did you prompt him last week or did it come out of the blue? Did he say why he finally admitted it?

What is this about punishing?

Solid I found out days ago. I'm still processing it and finding mn a great help... Mostly anyway

Why does the conversation go round in circles? Are you perhaps (again, understandably) pushing for him to admit something else, that he possibly can't as there isn't anything else to tell?

Is there ANYTHING else that makes you think he is still lying about something? Do you think he has been unfaithful? Texts? Receipts? Anything?

I'm sorry to say this but, there is only so many times someone can apologise for something. A line has to be drawn somewhere.

Achange, I think talking about it in circles without someone to steer you will lead nowhere. You need a counsellor to hopefully prevent this futility.

I suppose if someone can lie so easily while looking you in the eye... It doesn't reflect well.

I had yet another nightmare and said to him I wanted peace from this.... Thats when he broke down in tears and admitted it as he said seeing it eat away like that was making him realise he had to admit it.

Nope nothing he has done as such. I guess I feel I don't know the story as looking at porn for education is insulting my intelligence if anything.

You found out days ago that he lied about why there was porn on the computer but still don't believe him.

And you never really believed him as you have questioned him several times a year since.

Can you not see that this constant questioning may be why he is reluctant to admit to the full truth (if there is more to it)

And does the motive really make a difference?

What other options does he have?

• educational - which you don't believe

• just felt like looking - which he thinks may hurt you more

He is stuck now. If he admits that he was lying last week then it is more proof that you cannot trust him. If he sticks to his eduction story, then you will chip at him for years (with your subconscious dreams, which is really just because you won't let yourself let go)

In the nicest possible way OP get a grip. If you really are this upset and not just enjoying the drama you need help. This is way out of proportion. Ask for a CBt referral for obsessive thoughts.

I think op, that's what sgb meant by punish. This has been an emotional, questioning cloud over him too because you couldn't let it go and have been holding it over him for two years.

I think even if it was the truth, you still wouldn't have believed him. There is the outside possibility it could be a duff confession. But now of course you don't believe that. I think whatever he would have said. Due to your past, you never would have believed. It would have ate you up, disturbed you, made you question anyway.

Which is why I think he told a tiny lie to save your feelings.

As a last thing, I do think you need help to work through your past. But I also think you need to be careful of chucking a good marriage, guy and father down the pan.

Although some men never use porn, they are in the minority sadly. Do you really think you could do better? He's sorry, it was a one off. He's not doing it every night behind your back. There is only so much grief, suspicion and blame for one mistake a person is going to take.

I suppose it makes a massive difference. If he really was feeling awful about ed issues and was looking for videos of how to properly pleasure a woman in alternative ways it's not that bad to me

If he was thinking his ed was down to the fact he didnt find me attractive and had to resort to other women there lies the sting.

If this is really the only bad thing that has happened in your relationship (and I get that in your eyes it is a pretty big bad) then really the best thing you can do is go to counselling together.
From what you and he have posted, you have something pretty special going on but as is the case with life (nothing is perfect) you've found the flaw.
How you go from here is up to you, but imo you should be working together with a counsellor to move forward from this. And perhaps you should look at some individual counselling because your last relationship is obviously still impacting you to some degree and you would probably find it helpful to find out why.
Good luck.

So now I need cbt and have pnd too.

Why not shoot me now