I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

And no-one would blame you for that, my lovely.

But you do need to address this phobia. Without wanting to go into why porn might be construed as icky (but as others have said, many nice people use porn, many bad people don't) a minor habit (I say minor because I am working on the assumption that your DH doesn't look at Redtube LOADS because you would have seen it on the history?) is threatening an othewise good relationship. I wouldn;t go as far as to say "It's YOUR problem" because it's not; it's a problem given to you through the actions of someone else (your ex)

FWIW, I am ambivalent about porn. I wouldn't kick up a stink if DH used it and he knows this. However, he has used it and not told me. I mentioned that I knew because he'd left it in the history on the PC. He didn't think it was any of my business/he didn't want me to be upset and I agree, to an extent. Obviously, I am very different to you but am just trying to illustrate why he might not tell you. It doesn't automatically mean that he is hiding other things.

Thank you baubles. You sound far more together than me. I do appreciate people putting this into perspective for me.

I do find his claim that he only looked at something specific to pleasure me (oral) when he had ed problems a bit dubious. If it really was just "educational" why a porn site? I feel he is making a fool of me with this explanation

You are going to end up a very lonely woman if you refuse to accept that the MAJORITY of men look at porn.

Oh, I'm not far more together than you. Just about this. I have my hang-ups, I do.

He panicked, that's why he told the BS about educating himself. When we get caught out, we can do one of two things; tell the truth or lie our way out of it. He chose the latter, probably because he knew the hurt it would cause. In a roundabout way, he lied for good reasons. That sounds so wrong, but I don't think he lied maliciously. Or rather I am guessing that he didn't.

Here comes Fabby with all of the tact of a sledgehammer in the face...

He's not deliberately trying to make a fool of you. It's just his cackhanded way of pouring oil onto troubled waters.

The poor sod is probably feeling all kinds of twat when all he's been is an idiot for not deleting his computer history.

I accept the majority probably do fabby, but I thought I had found the minority.

Baubles so you think the "educational" thing is a lie too? This is what I think is getting to me the most- that he comes clean in one way but continues too lie in another.

Sometimes it takes a sledgehammer to knock some sense into some people! Go, Fabby, go

Agree that he likely made up the story in a panic because he knew that any other explanation would hurt you.

As to your ex - the porn did not lead on to the other stuff as plenty of people look at porn without going on to dogging and trying to sleep with a family member. He was a person with a dodgy set of morals who will never be happy in a monogamous relationship, I would imagine.

Your DH is happy with you, he is good to you. There is no likeness to your ex.

Flabby hasn't knocked sense into me.
I am well aware a large proportion of men look at porn and I am not judging anyone for that

I have been lead to believe dh was in the minority who do also exsust, which is the cause of the hurt

I would not be able to say wth any conviction whether the educational thing is a lie or not, OP. I don't know your husband. The only reason I would disbelieve this is that porn in notoriously unrealistic and wouldn't really educate anyone in how to please a woman, since porn is all about what looks good to the men watching rather than the woman that is being performed upon.

Your DH might not realise this, though. He might really think that Ron Jeremy is to relationships what Delia Smith is to cooking. Only you can make that call. But like I said, if he DID lie about why he used the site, it was to save your feelings. I would imagine.

Picking apart his explanation won't help though. Whether he did or didn't do it with a "noble" intention, as long as it was a one off deal and not regular porn watching, I think it is right to forgive and move on.

But you and he need to talk this through, perhaps with Relate?

Is he a bit inexperienced when it comes to women and sex?

Thank you mme.

Now I see if in black and white it does look ridiculous to think porn leads to worse.

I don't approve of or advocate violence and, ftr, my last response was very much tongue-in-cheek.

No doubt the vast majority of men have looked at porn, but I don't believe that the majority of men use it on a regular basis.

From what you've said, your dh lapsed on one occasion 2 years ago. Don't judge him on this; judge him on your relationship for the past 4 years.

Ah, in black and white, everything looks simpler.

It is not unreasonable for you to make the connection, it must have been incredibly hurtful.

But you are lucky, you got shot of him and found a really good man.

Your ex will be a sad old pervert, living alone cause no one will put up with him, and you will live a long and happy life with your new guy.

That is the best revenge.

Some of you have been able to articulate how I felt for years but couldn't express or understand. I'm not quite sure how you did it from so little posts but thank you. I am already feeling calmer x

This is the thing though mme... You say he is a good man and he is... But then my mind keeps going back too "but good men don't lie" so he cannot be good.

Can he be good but also a liar?

Achange- I think you are being a little bit too literal. He lied to spare your feelings. On balance that is a good thing, plus you say he is desperate to attend counselling. What more can he do?

Have you ever lied? Even to someone you loved a lot?

Of course a good man lies sometimes, that is even more likely than every man looking at porn sometimes.

Sometimes we lie to save ourselves, when we have done something we should not have. Sometimes we lie to save others' feelings, when we have done something that would hurt them.

Has my husband ever lied to me? I expect so.

Would he lie about something that was crucial to my trust? I don't know, but if he did and regretted it, I would not push him out.

If he did it continually, then yes, it would be a deal breaker. A one off? I don't think so.

But Shakey why can't he now come clean about the real reason he looked. It's so ridiculous now it's out in the open.

I would rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty lie any day. I just despise lying.

Maybe because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you? He KNOWS how you feel. Maybe he's ashamed and can't bring himself to admit it?

I suppose I feel we can't move until eveything is out in the open. Seems so sad to come so far in terms of him being honest to fall at the last hurdle.

Do I just let go? How when I know there is still a lie between us?

Maybe he is fed up of not being allowed to have any kind of inner life and knew that if he told you, you'd make his life a misery.

But why not say my request was ridiculous to him and if he wanted to look at porn he jolly well would. Hardly fair on either of us.

Has he his own thread on here?

If so, I'd bin him for that crime of humanity alone.