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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I married a lie

269 replies

Achange · 03/01/2012 18:41

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 03/01/2012 23:41

Plenty of people do not look at porn. And some of those who make a big deal out of how much they hate it are actually very unpleasant, abusive, sexually dysfunctional individuals. I wonder how some of you who insist that it's OK to control a partner's choice of viewing even if the partner is in every other way loving, honorable, kind etc, would feel about this level of control over other issues: if one partner is an atheist, does that mean s/he feels entitled to forbid a partner to hold a religious belief or say a silent prayer from time to time?

Shakey1500 · 03/01/2012 23:41

You've not been unreasonable to question him. But he's answered. He's sorry. As a previous poster said, he's not scouring the internet every night for porn. Give him the benefit of the doubt that it was indeed, educational. Why not? He's not given you any other reason to doubt him for anything else. Trust him that he told a lie to spare your feelings. Go to counselling. To stress again, and as others have said, you may run a risk of him feeling he can't win this. Ever. And an otherwise healthy, happy marriage may not survive.

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2012 23:42

That poor bloke.

Original poster
Achange · 03/01/2012 23:45

I only ever asked not to look at porn behind my back due to me linking it with my ex. I was never that bothered before about exs doing it but my mind links it to cheating and worse

I think I have put dh into the role of perfect husband, the parallel to my ex;and realise this is unfair as he is human. I'm seeing it now.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 03/01/2012 23:45

A change, it sounds like you had a pretty horrible experience with your ex and you haven't quite often over it. Don't let it ruin what sounds like a perfectly good relationship with a nice guy.

Gertiegoolash · 03/01/2012 23:45

why would you need shooting because someone suggested you may have pnd and told you to get some cbt?

MmeLindor. · 03/01/2012 23:56

Oh, ignore the amateur diagnosis.

From what I have read ( not much, admittedly) ED is not often linked with finding the partner unattractive.

Does he know that you have made that connection?

I talked to DH about porn one time and he said that looking at porn has nothing to do with his feelings towards me, that porn is a physical release and sex with me is a an emotional connection. Porn is clinical and not really satisfying, which is why he rarely looks at it.

And he knows that I dislike it from a feminist POV.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 04/01/2012 00:04

I don't agree that you have PND, well at least not from what you say here.

You have been scarred, understandably so, by an abusive relationship. No-one blames you for your fears/worries. We ALL have them, they just come in different guises. As outsiders who are relatively neutral, we can deduce that other than this blip, you have what seems to be a sturdy relationship. Your past experiences combined with this blip are troubling you and your levels of trust.

You deserve a happy future. Your DH was ashamed/afraid and I am sure that's why he lied. I would strive hard for this to work. You cannot let your ex win by ruining every relationship you have. Let your DH know that lying damages you and that this must not happen again. Then move on, if you can.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2012 00:07

Porn use involves actively seeking out the sight of another person's body or sexual activity between other people in order to be aroused, as opposed to just being turned on or attracted by someone you might see casually in the course of your daily life. Expecting your partner, to whom you have promised fidelity and who has promised fidelity to you and who knows he has willingly promised fidelity, not to look at porn is not the same as asking someone not to pray or hold a religious belief since no other people's bodies are involved and no sexual activity is involved either, and it's not the same as trying to be unreasonably controlling of someone else's 'choice of viewing' as if it was a tv show.

Gertiegoolash, I think the OP is understandably banging her head on the desk here because of the attempts by many posters to suggest she has some problem that needs treatment, whereas she is in fact a woman who is shaken by finding out that her husband has lied to her.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2012 00:09
BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 04/01/2012 00:10

God, I am so thick. Only just worked out what ED means. Blush

Do you think it is possible, and this might not be nice to think about, that if he was having these issues, he might have been "testing the water" with porn to see if he really HAD lost his mojo? I only ask because I remember now that when I found porn in the history on our PC, it coincided with the time that DH was having ED issues. I didn't ever suggest that to him as I didn't want to embarrass him or make him feel ashamed.

Could this be possible?

Original poster
Achange · 04/01/2012 00:17

Baubles your a lot nicer than me.
I asked him before he went to bed if felt porn was the only way he felt he could get it up. He said he didnt know why and just went back to the whole wanting to find ways to pleasure me when soft.

Didnt even occur to me how embarrassing this was. Feel horrible now.

That was a lovely post about deseving happiness

OP posts:
BecauseImperfect · 04/01/2012 00:19

Who said you had pnd? I said at 3month pp with this as a trigger. It could be possible. I still think its something that should be kept at the back of your head.

Your main issue is your emotional baggage from your last relationship. I think and I do believe some posters would relish this. That you are going to push him away. Unless you go to counselling and sort it out. There has to be a point where you move on and forgive, together. Or one of you gives up and calls time.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2012 00:23

Ultimately that is true, BecauseImperfect.

Once a decision is made one way or the other, then you have to consciously take it one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other until you feel as if you are walking again.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 04/01/2012 00:23

I'm not a lot nicer, I just don't have the hang-ups that you have. I have different ones Grin

Knowing what I know now about what ED issues are, I MIGHT be more inclined to believe the educational thing. Not the way that many people would go about it (I'd hope DH would dig out The Joy of Sex from the library Wink) but some people are daft.

FWIW, when men have ED issues, there is NOTHING that will help them get a boner. Not even Eva Mendes wearing nipple tassles. So don't be worrying that he was having a hand shandy to Busty Birtha from Brussels whilst you were catching zzzzs upstairs. Even if he was testing out his tackle, I doubt he got much joy. Grin

Original poster
Achange · 04/01/2012 00:24

Yes I realise I need to learn how to forgive
Maybe I'm just rubbish at that. But surely these things take time.

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 04/01/2012 00:25

He should have had the balls to admit it from word go

I agree with you there but why didn't he have the balls? Could it be that he feared you'd never let go of his short and curlies if he admitted that he accessed porn on the net simply because he wanted to get his rocks off?

If he was thinking his ed was down to the fact he didnt find me attractive and had to resort to other women there lies the sting

Now we get to the crux of the matter. It isn't so much that he looked at internet porn as your insecurity about your body.

And in this, unfortunately, you are beginning to sound remarkably like the OP who thought that her dh masturbating to porn was not dissimilar to him 'cheating' with other women.

In the grand scheme of things this is so not a big deal. He fell from grace on one occasion 2 years ago. Since then you've married, had a child, and his brief glimpse of the 'forbidden' is history, honey.

He hasn't committed a crime. Can't you find it in your heart to put away your forensic magnifying glass and get on with the business of forgiving and forgetting?

BTW if your dh is the guy who's made a complete prat of himself on another thread, I'm relieved to know that your legs go up to your squidgy bum but the rest is far tmi and you have my sympathy.

Original poster
Achange · 04/01/2012 00:28

Food for thought there baubles.

I did ask him did he get an erection and he looked distraught and said no and it made him feel worse. I just feel rubbish he may of thought it was me that wasn't doing it for him and may have needed to test this theory out. Doesn't make me feel great.

OP posts:
Original poster
Achange · 04/01/2012 00:33

Izzy I am not the op who thought it waS cheating but please could kindly link as I would like to see?

I am very insecure about my body that is true and plays a large part

How I envy those with no hang-ups

OP posts:
BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 04/01/2012 00:38

"I did ask him did he get an erection and he looked distraught and said no and it made him feel worse. I just feel rubbish he may of thought it was me that wasn't doing it for him and may have needed to test this theory out. Doesn't make me feel great."

OK, you are reading too much into everything and also relating everything back to YOU :) I understand why, but you are eating yourself up in doing so. His line of thinking wouldn't have been "Shit, I can't get it up for my wife. It must just be HER. I'll look at some porn and test me nob out." It probably would have been more like "SHIT! My dick has stopped working. Oh fuck, oh fuck MY DICK HAS STOPPED WORKING. I can't even do it with my beautiful wife who I fancy LOADS, oh God let me try something else, see if it is truly broken!"

It really fucks with a man's mind, you know, having these issues. DH broke down in tears more than once when he had it and felt like he was not a real man Hmm and very useless. IF this is the reason your DH looked at porn, it would have been out of desperation not a lust-fuelled wankathon.

Original poster
Achange · 04/01/2012 00:49

Oh baubles I feel awful. I have made it worse
Thank you so much for reassurring me though and getting me to think of him and not just myself for once

OP posts:
lisaro · 04/01/2012 00:50

Thank you Izzy I said that at half past 10! I'm glad to know it's not just me thinking that.

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 04/01/2012 00:52

That one is, thankfully, long gone - but here's the thread from what many are assuming to be your dh:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1375379-Things-I-love-about-you

Enjoy, Baubles!

Original poster
Achange · 04/01/2012 00:53

Thinking what Lisa? I get the feeling I'm being accused of being another op. not me but perhaps you could link to it so I can see why I'm similar to the "bint ". Cheers

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 04/01/2012 00:58

Yes, you certainly did lisaro - and I agree with you that there's a certain Pudding-esque tone to some of the OP's responses.