I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

I'm not ranting, nor have I been aggressive or shitty to other posters, like you have been. Anyone can read through my posts and my last post to you is as close to snarky as I have got. I have explained my questions and explained my stance on this thread, instead of making stuff up, putting words into mouths and generally fuckwittery.

You are taking the over-reaction thing out of context too (quelle surprise) A lot of us have said that agonising over this for two years is over-reacting, not her initial reaction per se.

I am going to make this my last response to you as posters like you have got an answer for everything, twist words to suit their own agenda and generally enjoy being rude and bitchy. Enjoy yourself.

You've been aggressive to me, Bupcakes. Read your own posts.

as I was saying..perhaps Achance and dh have put their desire for their relationship on an uneasy foundation. Was it clear it was a 'deal-breaker' from the start? And if it was, should it have been?

Also agonising over the fact that her husband lied to her for two years about something that was incredibly important and kept on lying to her isn't overreacting. He was able to keep up the lie in the face of her knowing that he wasn't telling her the truth.

That would piss me off, it would piss most people off.

I say all of this because Achange talks a lot about an image of a wholesome family - almost of a picture postcard, which would be in deep and sharp contrast to her previous experience. But an image nonetheless.

thunder
I don't know how many ways I can say this.

Her upset over the porn and lie is not an overreaction.

Her harking back at the mistake for 2 years IS an overreaction.

It was a "feeling" that she had that he had lied. A feeling could be wrong.

Consider this: You make a mistake. A big mistake. A mistake that could end your relationship with a person whom you love very much. To cover up that mistake - one you do not intend repeating - you tell a lie. You regret both the mistake and the lie but you don't want to hurt your partner so you keep quiet.

For 2 years, your partner regularly has dreams about your mistake and asks you about it.

2 years.

After 2 years, I would admitted to having done away with Lord Lucan in order to shut my partner up.

That is the unreasonable part. That this mistake has bothered the OP for 2 years. That she has dug and dug until he admitted it.

Mme Lindor her feeling was right. That's the part that seems to be missing here, he lied about something very important to her and kept up the lie for two years. She feels upset and betrayed, understandably.

I don't know why you feel the need to try to explain this to me. We have different opinions. The OP will take what she needs from this thread.

Her feeling was right. It might not have been.

You're speaking hypothetically. In my opinion it's better to deal with reality.

Her instincts were right. Instincts often are.

The study that couldn't find a control group of men who'd never seen porn. It's well documented I believe.

Thunder I won't converse with you either, you've been horrible, snide. You've actually been pushing your agenda all along. Not reading and often making things up.

Op by thunders definition every man is a porn user, find one that has never, ever used it. Yes I think that's pretty sad. But as thunders says. Let's deal with reality here.

I think you carry on as you are. You will lose him and you won't have a great time with relationships in the future. If you continue this handwringing for another two years. Some would delight in that. You'll lose him, so go for it.

You said you knew deep down but carried on and married him etc anyway.

Fwiw like I said earlier, I also think it could be a false confession. After two years I'd have confessed to just shut you up going on at me tbh. But now he's got another thing to explain and confess to. Another two years until the next thing.

He may however as one poster said. Come to the realisation he is NEVER going to be right. EVER. Then gives up. That's your biggest risk now and I don't think you want that. You knew then married him. It's starting to sound more and more like you want a hold over him. All this chopping and changing.

One day he's going to realise that whatever he says, whatever he does, whatever happens, it's in ever going to be good enough and this just going to haunt him all the time he is with you and he'll go. If this isn't what you want. Think long and hard about the posters trying to feed your anger and trash your marriage by proxy. You'll be the one on her own.

"Thunder I won't converse with you either, you've been horrible, snide."

Which is why you're addressing me in a post???????? Bizarre.

I'm sure you do believe that there isn't a group of men who haven't seen porn. That doens't make it true though.

"Op by thunders definition every man is a porn user"

OP Please understand that this statement is untruthful and only comes out of this person's head, and relates to nothing I've said. Not every man is a porn user. There are plenty of men who don't use pornography.

Right. Not going to get into this debate about whether every man uses porn or not. At this moment, the only concern to the OP is that her man did.

And while I would not ahve put it like that, Because raises some good points, Achance.

You risk losing a good man if you want him to be pure and perfect. No man is. Whether it is looking at porn, or any other issue that might crop up. You have put him on a pedestal, as the opposite of all that your ex was, and you can only be hurt and disappointed to find that he has faults after all.

Trying to put myself in the OP's shoes, I think what I'd be wrestling with now is that her husband has seen her turmoil and confusion over the past 2 years, which might have led to her feeling she was losing a grip on her mental health - and he let that continue instead of owning up to the original lies. So I don't think it's as straightforward as some are suggesting.

I can understand the initial lie, the motives for which might have been understandable; embarrassment about the ED itself and the potential can of worms that seeking porn as an antidote to that dysfunction, might have unearthed. I think Bupcakes is right about the relentless pressure on men to be sexual performers, just as there is on men to use porn and for women to be 'cool' about it.

I understand less though how he could have seen his partner's confusion and self-doubt - and didn't choose to put her out of her misery. I wonder what the significance was in the timing of his belated admission? A positive spin might be that he finally felt secure enough to be honest about his own insecurities, whereas a cynic might suggest that he waited until the OP was vulnerable and inextricably tied to him through the birth of their first child together, before he risked all.

Wow a lot of posts and food for thought.
To settle the debate about the study I believe it meant they couldn't find a man who hadn't used it ever under a certsin age but not neccessarily kept using it.
I'm not surprised because its very encourged in our generation as the done thing. By rights I am also in that category ,as yes I looked when younger and exploring my own sexuality. I don't know, but how else would I know how I felt unless I explored it? I don't think anyone should feel bad for having explored it once or twice when young and impressionable.

What does vex me is the fact people honestly think I was wrong for having a hunch and wanting to stop being lied too. Honestly, honestly if you had a feeling someone you needed to trust whether it be your partner, mother, child, best friend or childs teacher was lying about something important to you you could rest easy?

I don't know, Achange, how I would react in that situation.

I did one time find something that troubled me about DH, but decided that for the sake of my sanity, I had to bury it. I am 99.999% certain it was nothing but I have to let it go. It may come out again in a few years, but right now we are going through a lot of upheaval (not in relationship but in life) and bringing something else into the mix would make it more difficult to deal with our current situation.

But, I don't have the backstory that you did, so that would surely make a difference.

You're right OP. The study concluded with the hardly revolutionary conclusion that the researchers couldn't find a man who hadn't viewed porn at some time in his life, but there was no evidence to link earlier exposure to current consumption.

In answer to your last question, no I don't think you were wrong and I couldn't rest easy either if I suspected my partner was lying to me about something that was important to me. But it doesn't matter what us posters think or feel.

Your feelings are valid, because they are your own. The same goes for your husband's feelings.

I almost feel like some think I just wanted there too be an issue. But as pan said how would this relate to the wholesome family image? I wish their was no issues from my past or right now.

Thinking to what pan said I'm not sure it was unreasonable ask this of him.Just like before we committed to each other I made it clear I wAnted the possibility of another child. If he had then got into a realtionship and even married me and then said it was something he knew all along he couldnt commit too and wanted no children I would be even more devastated due to the lies.

I think one thing that will help move this forward is understanding more about ED as it seems I have grossly underestimated the impact.

Bunting do you still have those thinks about ed at all?

Do you mean do I still think that your DH used the site for ED issues?

It's a possibility. It tallys with the time that my own DH looked at porn on our PC/the time he was having ED issues. It wouldn't take a massive leap of faith to believe that. It makes more sense than using it for educational purposes and I would believe that he would be embarrassed/ashamed to admit the truth.

Sorry I meant links not thinks!

INteresting that some of you are so horrified that researchers couldn't find someone who had never seen porn. You'd have a job finding someone who had never heard or seen racist opinion, for example: hearing or seeing something doesn't mean you like or agree with it.

This is all a bit Shit or Get Off the Pot isn't it?

You can't change what has happened- you can only choose how you react to it. Really- what you should be asking yourself is a) Can I get over this and b) Do I want to get over it?

Which is where some counselling for you as an individual and for you both might help.
If you think 'Hey he's not Mr Perfect on a pedestal but I love this man and we have a good life together and we can work on this'- that's fine.
If however for the next 20 years you are going to see him as Mr Sick Sexual Predator who Lied to You then you are both going to be very very unhappy and miserable.

Again, when people say that it will be impossible to find a single person who has never seen porn (though this may not be the same as saying all men use porn), we are on the slippery slope to "Therefore women should get over themselves".

I think if you are going to punish a man for the rest of his life for having once looked at porn then you should be told to get the fuck over yourself.

Yet again your obsession with men's right to view porn has got in the way of your understanding of this thread, resulting in one of your customary nasty posts to the OP.

This thread is mainly about lying, not porn.

It isn't about lying, imo. IT's about couples having an understanding of each other. Which is lacking here. People casually lie about all sorts of things, if it works in the short term.